Jack

Is there a point, where the pain becomes too much?

Is this when you reach for that first bottle of jack hoping he’ll be a good friend and you won’t remember anything.
Hoping he’ll numb you to the sensation of having your soul stripped off, lash by lash by each emotional whipping you receive.

Is this the point where you stop taking it like a cowering dog and do your own thing, numbing yourself inside and out to avoid the bitter disappointment, all with the help of good ol’Jack?

Does Jack help you forget the first time you kissed? The 14th of January

Does Jack help you forget the intensity that flared between you? The 3rd of March

Does Jack remind you of all the good times, the laughs, the stolen kisses on starry nights or does Jack bring back memories of being taken for granted and all the tears, sleepless nights and feelings of inadequacy.

Does Jack remind you that you’re not enough?

You’re not skinny enough

You’re not pretty enough

You’re not religious enough

You’re too loud and abrasive

You’re too friendly with guys

You don’t deserve it

You never did

All you deserved was the torment you received when you were younger, a continuous cycle of hell.

You deserved it then.

You asked for it then.

You deserve this now too

Does Jack finally, slowly, take everything away, until all you see is darkness or does jack slowly numb your senses to the point where you only come awake upon impact? Perhaps not even then, because perhaps Jack did his job right this time and you’ve gotten your wish.

Your life and others destroyed, because you had to numb yourself from the constant screams of agony at each lashing.

How do you save yourself from drowning in a bottle? Even though you know the answer won’t be there, do you still try to find it there?

How do you numb yourself?

How do you find yourself again?

How do you live a lie again?

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Lost

Thunderous echos within
Fading; A staccato rhythm to it’s beat.

A little girl; lost within the ashen chambers,
of a palace once rose red and filled with hope.

Lost

Forgiven but never forgotten,
her past transgressions torment her

Lost within the woman she is yet to become,
she curls up in a corner;
clutching a ratty blanket of memories to her form.

A mediocre form of protection.

Anything to keep warm,
Anything to keep safe,
from the bitter coldness that now torments her every waking moment,
from the demons that now plague her soul.

The bitter coldness, that causes the adolescent that she is still is;
to teeter..
on the edge of madness,
to spread her arms open in jubilation..
to welcome the darkness within

So cold.
So very cold.

Lost within the child she has now become,
the woman clings to her sanity
and her childlike innocence..

Her belief in the promise of tomorrow;
A beacon that lights her way, pulling her away from the edge.

Still,
She stumbles and falls; succumbing to the little broken girl inside of her.
Tears falling; bright red against the stark whiteness of her surroundings.

A rose red; the same colour that her now ashen palace of dreams, once was.

Your Curse

Broken

Bitter

An acrid taste fills my mouth at the merest thought of you.

An inane urge to be sick occupies the movie reel in my mind.

The reel broadcasting memories, laughter, hurt and most of all bitterness

You would like that, wouldn’t you?

Watching me become sickened at the mere thought of you.

Watching me fight my inner impulses.

Watching the hatred set my eyes ablaze but also a dull flicker in the darkness of my eyes revealing  my fear at the knowledge you hold.

The knowledge to hurt me in so many ways.

You’ve forgotten dearest, I hold the same knowledge,

The same knowledge that could tear apart your supposedly perfect world.

The same knowledge that could shatter your precious life as you know it.

The same knowledge but somehow the knowledge I hold, has more power than yours.

Is it not ironic?

The same knowledge we share could hurt you much more than it could ever begin to hurt me?

Yes, I may be plagued with bitter memories, at the merest thought of you, but I will not spend my life dwelling on such an abysmal waste of life such as yourself.

Enjoy your life as short as it may be all the best to you and your family.

Open your mouth and I’ll open mine.

Keep your secrets and I’ll keep mine.

You had your chance.

The deed is done.

Your only choice is to run.

I’ll see you one day in the bowels of the earth,

I cannot wait, for that’ll be your curse.

Bitter

I’m rather resourceful when I need to be, and I know it. But you never knew me well enough to know it as well.

You lied.

You took me for a fool.

You fed me pretty little words and I? being the delusional fool, took to them as a bird to the wind.

And I can’t believe I’m still wasting tears on a jerk such as yourself.

I can’t believe I wasted emotion on a cretin such as yourself.

You’re definitely “scum of the earth” but you just hid it better than most.

You say you serve a higher cause but you only serve your own selfish needs.

Worst of all? You’re my own dirty little secret and you made me yours.

The wheel turns and some things are better left unsaid.

But I hope I’ll get the chance to watch your pathetic ass squirm when YOUR world comes crashing down.

I hope you’ll send me a post card from hell 🙂

ArriverderLa

Tell Me

Tell me
How do I go on?
Go on, knowing he’ll never be around me again.
And I can never again touch him in that way where everything seemed to melt away.

Tell me
How do I love again?
For he has the possession of my heart.

Tell me
How do I go on, when he finds another?
Let the pain engulf me and the loneliness of a life in solitude surround me.

Let me become numb,
Let me dance with steel,
Play with fire,
Gamble with pills,
Free fall off of skyscrapers
And be blissfully numb to it all.

I thought we would last forever,
He was my life and he said I was his,
Yet here I am,
But where is he?

It was over before it began.
A forever never meant to last.

The path of self destruction

I walk on the the path of self destruction…
I dance the dance of death.
When metal kisses flesh; The river runs red.
Flowing free and unstoppable…

I walk on the path of self destruction…
When the Devils mouthwash I consume;
Till it leaves me lying helpless, amdist the bottles of toxic perfume…

I walk on the path of self destruction…
Flying high and free on the chemicals that create shapes in the dark,
More addictive than nicotine; Leaving me at times in a place quite serene…

I walk on the path of self destruction…
Indulging in sins of the flesh.
The all consuming urge leaves me helpless to resist the pleasures of the soul wrenching act;
That has been alive since The Dawn of Time, when Adam held Eve that first night…

I walk on the path of self destruction…
Continuing the self mutilation of my soul..
I’ll walk on the path of self destruction…
Till I lie my head to rest, Upon the Devils chest…