Lost

Thunderous echos within
Fading; A staccato rhythm to it’s beat.

A little girl; lost within the ashen chambers,
of a palace once rose red and filled with hope.

Lost

Forgiven but never forgotten,
her past transgressions torment her

Lost within the woman she is yet to become,
she curls up in a corner;
clutching a ratty blanket of memories to her form.

A mediocre form of protection.

Anything to keep warm,
Anything to keep safe,
from the bitter coldness that now torments her every waking moment,
from the demons that now plague her soul.

The bitter coldness, that causes the adolescent that she is still is;
to teeter..
on the edge of madness,
to spread her arms open in jubilation..
to welcome the darkness within

So cold.
So very cold.

Lost within the child she has now become,
the woman clings to her sanity
and her childlike innocence..

Her belief in the promise of tomorrow;
A beacon that lights her way, pulling her away from the edge.

Still,
She stumbles and falls; succumbing to the little broken girl inside of her.
Tears falling; bright red against the stark whiteness of her surroundings.

A rose red; the same colour that her now ashen palace of dreams, once was.

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Life

It’s all about the choices we make, the chances we take .. And the people we don’t break

People fight so hard to gain freedom, freedom to make their own choices , to follow paths not set out for them but they do not know the consequences of choice. They do not realize that our paths have already been predetermined and perhaps not by some higher deity but by our actions,our words our very sense of being

What is the sense of self , one can ask?
Only you will know, another can reply.

As people, we know, no-one better than we know ourselves.
Best friends , partners, lovers, siblings, family members …
They are all an extension of ourselves

They know us but they can never truly KNOW us as we know ourselves.
We doubt ourselves , we question , we rationalize to such extents that we are left feeling raw and vulnerable. We are left with question upon question, seeking solace in someone other than ourselves, hoping they can identify the person within us. The real being inside.

What if?, one always asks when an opportunity arises
You will never know unless you take the chance, another can say

As people know, there are once in a lifetime opportunities that life tends to hand us on a silver platter. I suppose it’s an “I’m sorry” of sorts from life.
However some refuse to take the chance
Be it on life itself, love and other things.

Our pessimistic viewpoint tells us that it won’t work out, subduing the little optimistic voice inside us that whispers “What If?”, so quietly it might not have been heard, except for the faint quickening of your heartbeat that for a millisecond, the imagined the possibilities

The possibilities are as limitless as the universe, it’s all about the choices we make.

We cannot traverse through this crazy ride we call life without breaking people along the way. Failed relationships , complications, trysts, feuds with family or now ex friends. However there are the few that remain who we don’t break. Who are either similar in mannerisms to us, or who suck it up to be around us. There are the best friends, the family who never exactly had a choice, the crushes and those that just accept you for who you are.

What makes a person break, one can ask one self?
The same things that could break you, another could answer.

We are all wired so differently it’s amazing we are compatible with one another. The mind set of some lead me to believe that there may not be hope left for generations to come, that too many will be cynically hardened by life and will refuse to take that once in a lifetime chance , based on one experience when they have a lifetime to create better memories if it had to fail.

As people who have been broken, and have in turn broken others. We know what to expect so we either shut any form of emotion out of our lives or we keep trying ever so desperately to find the right person, both causing a destruction of self that we can never really recover from.

Why do we do this? Is it a form of protection? Why not take the chance and see what happens?

As people who have been broken, and have in turn broken others. We need to be aware of not only the destruction of self but the duality of self. The duality of self is one that cannot be denied or repressed. Life requires balance. A ying to its counterpart of yang, good to bad , right to wrong.

You end up repressing half of your being based on an unpleasant experience. You should be rational enough to know that by repressing yourself, you would be killing yourself. Not only killing yourself but closing yourself off to new experiences and memories which would be detrimental to your spirit.

Live life. Breathe. Make mistakes. Learn. Take a chance. Be happy.

___________

I’m well aware of my own duality and it’s not something I bother fighting because fighting what I am serves no purpose. All it does is slow me down. I’ve learnt to take care with my choices , take chances on people and things, how to break and how to handle being broken, without repressing the saint and sinner within.

Looking Back

Despite my romantic ups and downs of the year 2012, I realized and recalled today that my ex had sent me something in a variety of languages while drunk one night. Having only remembered it now I translated it ( google etc because I’m not THAT good at translation just yet – especially it with Greek etc )

Σας έχω αγαπήσει κάθε μέρα
(I’ve loved everyday)

אני אוהב אותך עד סוף

(I love you until the end )

sin conturbantes cor meum
(If you break my heart )

私はあなたを許すことは決してありません
(I will never forgive you)

I’m not sure how to feel about it to be honest , in hindsight it was sweet while we were dating but now it feels like I’ll always have this over me, I thought I had made peace with the past and maybe I should just forget this but I’m not sure if I can. Do I really need his forgiveness? Or is my own self worth , worth more?

I also feel like I shouldn’t be asking for forgiveness for something I had no control over, he was given a choice and he made it, and I’m okay with that but sometimes it feels like I have unfinished business. I’m not one to walk away when a problem should be resolved but I feel in a situation as volatile as this, I should .

I’m a confrontational person and I don’t like to hide when I feel I can sort it out but I have also moved on with my life and I can only hope he has as well.

2012 was an educational experience for me in terms of varying “relationships” and it made me realize it IS okay if a guy walks away, it hurts but you learn. I realized that nothing has to last forever and sometimes the shorter the better. I realized I’m not as plain as I always thought I was and it’s given me more of a confidence boost as I now believe in my femininity regardless of my tomboyish ways.

I realized exactly how complex I am and I’m not sure most guys would ever be able to comprehend AND appreciate that fact.

I’m as “unique” as every other individual on this earth, perfect in being perfectly flawed and perfectly crazy ( at times – who am I kidding, all the time).

It’s all about balance and maybe one day I’ll achieve that PERFECT balance, for both the saint and sinner inside of me.

Romantically deluded

I realize now why some guys hate romance novels especially the paranormal kind.
It’s idealistic and unrealistic.

Admittedly, I read them, my lonely soul thrives upon them but I’ve realized that it just makes me sadder. I know I won’t stop reading them but what woman wouldn’t want a man who would do anything to protect her ( even if he sparkled ) , what woman wouldn’t want a man to defy heaven and hell to keep her.

Regardless of what he may be; a vampire, werewolf even death himself. A woman will love him because he’d go to extraordinary lengths just for her but she will also idolize him because he is something classified in a league of his own, where no mortal man could compare.

These things raise the standards and expectations of women and girls around the world, trying to find that perfect one, that soulmate that is supposedly meant for us. The one we supposedly find regardless of how many lives we live because our souls are so deeply intertwined with one another.

Romance novels in general make a woman wish and long for something that is found by very few people, real love. The kind of love and devotion that will last throughout many lifetimes, the kind of love that will drive a man to the brink of desperation to keep her safe and protected.

Romance novels make ME wish for those things, things I doubt I could ever have.

I’m different, I know that. I accept that. I’m weird and quirky but deep down I’m also lost, alone and afraid. I try to pretend that romance doesn’t “do” it for me but I’m a closet romantic, and reading these novels just sometimes emphasizes my loneliness and I’m sure many women feel the same.

Romance novels are my worst enemy and my salvation from a world so cold and lonely.
A world too caught up in its own endeavors to notice a girl cast aside.

Romance novels give me hope ,hope that maybe someday I’ll find my prince charming.
Romance novels also take away that very hope, as I realize I’ll never find that guy ..again

That which is lost will never be easily found, one can only delude oneself into thinking that it can be, and then settling for what one is given.

A girl may be told she’s beautiful a thousand times but rarely will she believe it, a girl that is told she’s ugly , will believe that for the rest of her life, until prince charming proves her wrong.

Religiously Screwed

Am I even date-able? ,
I sometimes wonder to myself. Like seriously my home life is messed up .. Super over protective Muslim indian dad who only wants a muslim/indian boy for his “moekies” (yes, that’s what he calls me) and a coloured mother ( German /Filipino mix) who prefers white/christian males :/ Seriously? When did MY choices become that of my parents. My mother is still a Christian so she never converted to Islam and my father is still a Muslim who didn’t force her to convert. So I’m royally screwed in terms of religion.

I was raised by my mothers family, mostly shunned by my fathers family ( hence my mums family raising me) so I do lean towards one side more than the other but regardless of that I can’t choose either religion despite what people say. According to some, you are what your mother is and according to others you are what your father is.

So WTF am I?? I can’t choose either without offending the other parent. So I decided that I’d adopt whatever religion my future husband or whatever has and I admit, I’ve experimented with some religions.. Some more pagan than others but still. I’ve taken an agnostic view of this thing but there was a conversation I had with a friend that bugged me.

Today, we were in one of the buildings on campus, chilling on the stairs and talking (He had previously joked that next time he saw me he’d ask me out – He forgot XD) so I asked why he bothered coming to campus since he hardly goes to lectures and he replied he came to Uni to get a degree.. Lectures weren’t a necessity, being me, I asked so not even for the girls? And he replied in kind that he tried that as a first year and it didn’t work out so great, so now he’d rather go to “temple” ( He’s hindu) to meet girls, as they aren’t as distracted or busy at temple.
I admit, I laughed.

Later on we had a talk about him having forgotten to ask me out and in turn I replied that he shouldn’t ask me out and then I said something which kinda stuck with me, ” Go meet a nice, normal, religious girl at temple. It’s the safest thing to do”

Have I become so bad that I’ve gotten to the point of being that girl overly religious parents warn their sons about? Not by doing any dirty deed mind you but by simply not having one set faith?

What is the definition of “normal”? And why did I even set myself down like that in the first place?
Is it seriously all because of religious differences or differences within myself? Like a great divide which separates my brain from rational thought almost like a defence mechanism to protect me from being shunned further because of religion.

I’ve always wondered how awkward it must be to have to explain to parents exactly how you are, especially in terms of religion and religious ignorance is not bliss.

Even more so when the guy (who could be fanfreakingtasticly amazing for all I know) has an overly religious family.

I grew up in a situation like that and quite frankly, it sucked. There is no eloquent way to describe it. It just sucked. Always on the outside never quite sure if I belonged or not. This religious divide can seriously fuck a kid up and it did fuck me up and I guess because of it religion in general will always be a touchy, raw nerve kind of subject with me.

Where does one draw a line (if ever) in terms of religion and dating? Do you only date within a specific religious group? (Some people do – but what if you miss “The One” because of it? Settling sucks) Do you try and force them to accept your beliefs? What should one do?

Sad thing is .. No one really knows the answers to these questions because everyone’s life is different and I can only hope that one day I’ll be able to answer these questions.