Jack

Is there a point, where the pain becomes too much?

Is this when you reach for that first bottle of jack hoping he’ll be a good friend and you won’t remember anything.
Hoping he’ll numb you to the sensation of having your soul stripped off, lash by lash by each emotional whipping you receive.

Is this the point where you stop taking it like a cowering dog and do your own thing, numbing yourself inside and out to avoid the bitter disappointment, all with the help of good ol’Jack?

Does Jack help you forget the first time you kissed? The 14th of January

Does Jack help you forget the intensity that flared between you? The 3rd of March

Does Jack remind you of all the good times, the laughs, the stolen kisses on starry nights or does Jack bring back memories of being taken for granted and all the tears, sleepless nights and feelings of inadequacy.

Does Jack remind you that you’re not enough?

You’re not skinny enough

You’re not pretty enough

You’re not religious enough

You’re too loud and abrasive

You’re too friendly with guys

You don’t deserve it

You never did

All you deserved was the torment you received when you were younger, a continuous cycle of hell.

You deserved it then.

You asked for it then.

You deserve this now too

Does Jack finally, slowly, take everything away, until all you see is darkness or does jack slowly numb your senses to the point where you only come awake upon impact? Perhaps not even then, because perhaps Jack did his job right this time and you’ve gotten your wish.

Your life and others destroyed, because you had to numb yourself from the constant screams of agony at each lashing.

How do you save yourself from drowning in a bottle? Even though you know the answer won’t be there, do you still try to find it there?

How do you numb yourself?

How do you find yourself again?

How do you live a lie again?

Advertisements

Hope

Okay so it’s been awhile and Merry Christmas for yesterday, I hope you had a fabulous one 🙂
Amidst all the presents and pigging out on food,
My main thought was that I was unknowingly given a gift more precious than almost anything else by a group of high school students –
On the other side of the world.

I don’t know them, and they don’t know me and well I teared up a little but shit like this gives me hope that one day everyone will be accepted, regardless of race, religion or sexual preference

These High school kids acted with more maturity than many university students I’ve met over the past two years.

I don’t care if you love another man or another woman, that’s your business. I don’t care what colour you are, your heart beats just as mine does.
I don’t care who you worship, your relationship with your god is no concern of mine.

Nobody lives forever, why live to try and make someone else miserable because of their race, religion or sexual preference.

Please give the article a read here

Seasonal Greetings All 🙂

Islam Awareness Week 2013

20131007-065644.jpg

Last week week, the 30th September – 4th October, was Islam awareness week on campus whereby students not of the Islamic faith could learn more about the Islamic faith from Muslim students on campus and various speakers throughout the week. Allowing students to experience various facets of the islamic faith including listening to passages of the Qur’an (The holy book), letting students write on a board their perceptions of Islam, answering other students questions with regards to faith , experiencing islamic art and cultural aspects such as a mass prayer which was open to anyone and using mehndi (henna) as a artistic reference to the artistic side of the religion.

20131007-070640.jpg

20131007-070656.jpg

20131007-065818.jpg

20131007-065911.jpg

It was a wonderful idea by the MSA (Muslim students association) of UCT and being a little more than conflicted I wasn’t particularly certain of my own feelings towards the event.

I admit, i was highly skeptical and somewhat wary of the entire event at first. Similar to the reaction of a wild animal experiencing kindness for the first time. I didn’t trust it, I didn’t want to learn more but i found myself drawn to a topic which seemed strange and somewhat elusive to me. It fascinated me, this topic which was integral to my fathers life, taboo to my mothers and mocked and defamed by many media outlets because of preconceived ideals and common misconceptions fed to the masses by media and reporters who spend their lives rushing to meet deadlines with what is often considered to be sensationalistic hard hitting news. So instead of taking the time to do a little proper research and present the public with facts. The public is fed bite sized portions of propaganda which makes that pill much easier to swallow and believe.

I decided to take a step back from my preconceived ideals with regards to the religion to try and understand it from the viewpoint of a non-believer attempting to understand it ; without letting any of my own history and current interaction taint my perception.

Certain aspects of this awareness week I liked:
– The clothing collection for the underprivileged.
– The talks by various outsiders on the five pillars of Islam, the role of women in islam and the misconceptions of islam.
– The tours of the prayer room and the Jumu’ah prayer which was open to everyone.

Unfortunately, I was only able to attend the talk on the misconceptions of Islam and the Jumu’ah prayer but I believe that it was set out wonderfully allowing people of other customs and religions to experience facets of Islam in ways that show what the religion is truly about. I recall the man who had given us the talk with regards to the misconceptions of Islam telling us that the Arabic root of the word Islam is derived from “slm” which encompasses not only humility and unity but peace as well. Others may not agree with me but I find that, that is my interpretation and I find that it does indeed seem that way. The speaker also mentioned the difference between religious and cultural beliefs, regardless of what people believe the two are not always interlinked therefore the cultural customs practiced in Saudi are not practiced in Somalia for example, even though people of both countries practice the Islamic faith. The cultural belief is different. The Jumu’ah prayer was enlightening as well, speaking about the duties of the child to his or her parents.

20131007-070501.jpg

The main aspect I disliked about the event are the signs that some of the Muslim students held signs saying “Meet a Muslim” Or “meet another muslim” To me it seemed offensive and belittling to the believers, as if they were a strange anomaly with whom the rest of society is finally coming into contact with.

20131007-070206.jpg

The other was somewhat funnier .. But only somewhat

20131007-070256.jpg

However I believe that overall Islamic awareness week has actually created an awareness not only about the religion and the various misconceptions which surround it but about the people who practice it and the manner in which they came together to make this event a success. There were no pushy “you must convert” types it was just a beautiful experience.I found myself blessed with a desire to learn more, not because i am meant to (due to my fathers religious beliefs ) but because *I* wanted to. It had nothing to do with either of my parents but rather about what I wanted to learn.

One person remarked that my soul is searching for something more; an inner calm and peace which it has not yet found and I replied that I agreed but my soul strives to learn and I see nothing wrong with learning until I settle and discover what I truly want from life.

Ignorance is bliss is how the saying goes but I believe that to go through life ignorant, is similar to going through life blind and unprepared for the many facets of life that fate may toss my way. Doing that is a sure way to live my life unfulfilled.

20131007-070753.jpg

My life, my religious choices.

For some reason people place so much faith in their .. well respective faiths.
I don’t have an issue with this, I think it’s perfectly acceptable. I find it to be a “cool bro, you do you” kind of thing yet the only thing that seriously gets to me is during religious occasions (Christmas) or customs that are observed (Ramadan) and it seems like people suddenly find religion all of a sudden and that gives them the right to preach about your supposed misdeeds regardless of the fact just last month that specific judging asshole was drinking himself into oblivion.

Hypocritical much?

I’ve mentioned it before and it seems like I’ll need to mention it again..

I am .. To put it mildly

Religiously screwed.

I have an overprotective muslim indian father who only wants me to date a muslim/indian boy and a coloured mother ( German /Filipino mix) who prefers white/christian males.

And honestly? I think I’m okay with being “religiously screwed” for now. I’m learning more about myself in the process and the respective religions.

However I loathe that when it comes to religious occasions (Christmas) or customs that are meant to be observed (Ramadan) the biggest sinners become the ones who decide you MUST follow tradition.

I mean I go to church sometimes and it isn’t always full … Until Christmas Day when people decide they need to get their “blessings” and decide to turn it into a fashion show in the process.

Uhm.. No the good Lord does not care that you’re wearing the the latest fashion, cover your ass up you’re in church. Also? Do you REALLY believe despite all your previous transgressions that Jesus wants you to like and share a status/photo about him … Or “you will go to hell”.

And then I saw, what could only be described as the epitome of human stupidity (with reference to religious context).
Regardless of the religious clashes between the two groups ( and let’s be honest, there are plenty of clashes between Christians and Muslims) .. There was a Facebook photo up with the caption “Like if you believe in Jesus or Comment if you believe in Islam” .. And no my dears, that’s not the worst.. The rest of the caption went as follows “Let’s see who gets the most likes/comments”

How stupid can you be to decide to which one is better based on comments or likes, and people had actually liked an commented, when chances are you barely know anything but the basics of the opposite religion. I mean people dedicate their ENTIRE LIVES to researching their own religion how do you suppose you of all your what? 21 years? Know enough about BOTH religions to adequately judge or make commentary.

So to end that social media tangent I felt the need to vent…
Keep your religion away from social media. No one but you cares or join a like minded group but don’t tell others they will go to hell for not believing, don’t say one religion is better than the other when you barely understand your own religion well enough.

Back to the hypocrites ..

Currently it is the month of Ramadan and since my name is Arabic sounding enough and I apparently look the part, I’m often asked if I fast.
Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t. Granted I’ve made more effort this year than in any other (but that’s for altruistic reasons if I must be honest – I’ve decided that since my father makes an effort with regards to my mothers religions beliefs/celebrations, I should make more effort for his)

What gets to me is the judgement I see in some people’s eyes if I or others don’t fast yet these same people (who are judging myself and others) are usually to be found drinking in town or Claremont on Thursday nights etc.

Personally, if I’m NOT going to be remotely religious EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR. Why on earth should I do it for just one month , just to make myself feel better for MY transgressions (of my own making) so I may place myself on my pretty little religiously moral pedestal and judge those who do not conform or observe the religious customs during this holy month.

My understanding of the Islamic culture is limited, and I won’t deny it, but surely I’m not incorrect to say that technically Muslims are not allowed to consume alcohol?
So I don’t see why someone who usually consumes vast amounts of alcohol deems fit to call me out on whether or not I fast and if not, when will I begin to do so.

Point In case:

20130723-224106.jpg

Whether I fast or not, it has absolutely nothing to do with anyone but me and well in this case, Allah. When I die none of you will be up there with me. I will probably die alone and I’ll meet my maker (whomever he/she may be) ALONE. The fact that you seem to have this misguided subconscious belief that when you kick the bucket you’ll at least be able to say “Well .. I told Mish she must fast and so-and-so that his behaviour is wrong etc”. It honestly wont stop your god from judging YOU. Since your god is the only one who should be passing judgement**. Mankind has somehow given themselves a god complex, and in doing so man believes that he/she has the right to judge others regardless of his/her own less than exemplar behaviour.

I’m happy that you have a religion and you’re welcome to share it with me as I’m not opposed to leaning more, but don’t try and judge me because I don’t comply with your standards because chances are mine are still much higher.

To each his own and the like but when you meet your maker, Kudos to you for the GOOD DEEDS you have done for others NOT the judgements you have passed on others.

Live and let live should be a simple concept but most don’t understand it, I try and avoid religious debates/conversations/arguments etc because I’m living with a duality that isn’t the easiest thing to manage based on the preconceived notions others have of me that is solely due to my appearance and how I dress.

I AM ME AND YOU ARE YOU and I’m happy for both of us.
You’re not an indecent person and neither am I but if I decide to observe religious occasions or customs it is a personal thing between me and my god and should have nothing to do with anybody else. To reiterate that point ME AND MY GOD; not you,me and god. It’s a one on one thing between the two of us; not you me, him and the rest of the world. The fact that I’ve tried or am trying should be enough to appease and satisfy him, It has no impact on your life, so try and keep it that way.

**Yes the irony of this post and that statement does not escape my notice but the truth must out and I must vent before I end up strangling someone

Religiously Screwed

Am I even date-able? ,
I sometimes wonder to myself. Like seriously my home life is messed up .. Super over protective Muslim indian dad who only wants a muslim/indian boy for his “moekies” (yes, that’s what he calls me) and a coloured mother ( German /Filipino mix) who prefers white/christian males :/ Seriously? When did MY choices become that of my parents. My mother is still a Christian so she never converted to Islam and my father is still a Muslim who didn’t force her to convert. So I’m royally screwed in terms of religion.

I was raised by my mothers family, mostly shunned by my fathers family ( hence my mums family raising me) so I do lean towards one side more than the other but regardless of that I can’t choose either religion despite what people say. According to some, you are what your mother is and according to others you are what your father is.

So WTF am I?? I can’t choose either without offending the other parent. So I decided that I’d adopt whatever religion my future husband or whatever has and I admit, I’ve experimented with some religions.. Some more pagan than others but still. I’ve taken an agnostic view of this thing but there was a conversation I had with a friend that bugged me.

Today, we were in one of the buildings on campus, chilling on the stairs and talking (He had previously joked that next time he saw me he’d ask me out – He forgot XD) so I asked why he bothered coming to campus since he hardly goes to lectures and he replied he came to Uni to get a degree.. Lectures weren’t a necessity, being me, I asked so not even for the girls? And he replied in kind that he tried that as a first year and it didn’t work out so great, so now he’d rather go to “temple” ( He’s hindu) to meet girls, as they aren’t as distracted or busy at temple.
I admit, I laughed.

Later on we had a talk about him having forgotten to ask me out and in turn I replied that he shouldn’t ask me out and then I said something which kinda stuck with me, ” Go meet a nice, normal, religious girl at temple. It’s the safest thing to do”

Have I become so bad that I’ve gotten to the point of being that girl overly religious parents warn their sons about? Not by doing any dirty deed mind you but by simply not having one set faith?

What is the definition of “normal”? And why did I even set myself down like that in the first place?
Is it seriously all because of religious differences or differences within myself? Like a great divide which separates my brain from rational thought almost like a defence mechanism to protect me from being shunned further because of religion.

I’ve always wondered how awkward it must be to have to explain to parents exactly how you are, especially in terms of religion and religious ignorance is not bliss.

Even more so when the guy (who could be fanfreakingtasticly amazing for all I know) has an overly religious family.

I grew up in a situation like that and quite frankly, it sucked. There is no eloquent way to describe it. It just sucked. Always on the outside never quite sure if I belonged or not. This religious divide can seriously fuck a kid up and it did fuck me up and I guess because of it religion in general will always be a touchy, raw nerve kind of subject with me.

Where does one draw a line (if ever) in terms of religion and dating? Do you only date within a specific religious group? (Some people do – but what if you miss “The One” because of it? Settling sucks) Do you try and force them to accept your beliefs? What should one do?

Sad thing is .. No one really knows the answers to these questions because everyone’s life is different and I can only hope that one day I’ll be able to answer these questions.

Jack and Jill

As I sit here, snug and comfy as a bug, on this more than semi-depressing wet winter’s day in Cape Town, I think about two friends of mine.

This one girl, “Jill” and this guy called “Jack”

Albeit admittedly Jill had some sort of a small (or not so small) crush on Jack at the beginning of the year (YAY! First university crush). In a way, I thought he may have liked her too, but maybe I was reading all the wrong signals. He sat next to her (well, actually she had moved to sit next to him after he bugged her about it), they sat close together on near empty benches, her leg against his, he kept finding excuses to touch her (Nothing inappropriate) and she was cool with it, she was happy.

Next thing you know his cooler than a freaking cucumber and she’s invisible.

FINE

She’s moving on with her life but she was still left wondering WTF??

I’ve seen her crush so hard on him but he constantly falls for girls who don’t treat him right.

Anyway I’d begun to notice one thing about my male friend  … He’s always managed to crash and burn his heart. So I asked myself, why is it that some of the nicest guys I know, crash and burn their hearts over bitches that don’t deserve them?

What’s the point of it? Yeah guys complain about the friend zone but unsurprisingly enough, girls are stuck there too.

Realizing I’d never know the answer to this I asked Jack :

(I axed out most of the useless parts of this conversation on BBM, as well as just making the names easier to read – everything else still remains in context)

*********************************

Winterwolf: Is it just me or do you crash and burn your heart on a reg bases with (no offence) bitches who can’t treat you right?
Jack: Hahahaha. I don’t even know. My answer to that would be ‘No’. But who am I kidding?
Winterwolf: Why do you do it?
Jack: Do what? /:)
Winterwolf: Never mind
Jack: Nooo. Say!
Winterwolf: Crash and burn for bitches?
Jack: I wouldn’t really know how to explain it. I guess it’s just that I, of course, fall for them when I don’t know their whole persona.
Winterwolf:  And by then its too late and you can’t escape?
Jack: That’s the problem. By then, you’re stuck, wondering what you’ve done wrong, and trying to rectify your mistakes that you yourself know won’t work.
̊Winterwolf:  So what is it about these girls you fall for?  You know the chubacabra in disguise
Jack: Hahaha. I don’t know. I’m a guy – we fall for girls for different reasons. I don’t know.. Don’t like speaking about this type of stuff..
̊Winterwolf: Well, what do you like in a girl? (Besides her being a chupacabra in disguise)
Jack: Well, her personality. If I can be myself in front of her the first time I meet her, it’s generally something that would attract me slightly to her…
Winterwolf:  What else? Do looks, religion etc play a part?
Jack: Looks, yes. But religion is a definite factor – I prefer dating Hindu girls. Why ask you? If I may ask. Is it for your blog?

*********************************

And that was the end of that BBM conversation, he went to bed and I sat up to write this.

Hopefully Jill reads this and will understand. Yes religion does play a huge part in this but well, at least she knows and isn’t left in the dark by mixed signals.

The thing that bugs me is that it seems like this type of thing (not the religious bit but falling for the wrong people) has become a vicious cycle.

(Refer to that ever so beautiful picture below that my friend found somewhere online –Please don’t ask me where because I have no idea/ she might have made it herself, I’m not sure and she isn’t telling)

It’s quite sad that it is true.
Don’t you just hate the friendzone sometimes?

It becomes a viciously never ending cycle that seems to just emphasize the “fact” that nice guys finish last and the queen bitch (we normal girls would secretly  “Love” to be but loathe with a passion stronger than a guys love for his xbox/pc) will always get the guy that we secretly not so secretly want.

Ah well, I suppose that is the way things work in this world of ours.

In reality:

  • Prince Charming (aka the nice guy) won’t fall for Cinderella but rather one of her bitchy step sisters.
  • Aurora wont be kissed awake by a Prince but rather a douchebag who will inevitably regard her as a notch on his bedpost
  •  Snow white wont have her life saving kiss of true love and will probably be put in rehab for a drug overdose
  • “Red riding hood” might actually fall inlove with the wolf and then fall for a sparkly vampire and then cheat on said sparkly vampire because it’s hard to commit when he sparkles so prettily.
  • Shrek and Fiona start out okay together but then she becomes “human” again(aka comes to her “senses”)  and will totally fall for the douchebag prince.

Then again C’est la vie,this may be the way the world actually works but sometimes there are the rare exceptions, exceptions that, despite my cynicism, make me believe that anyone can find real love out there.

It makes me hope that I could find it too.

Who knows for sure? Because I certainly don’t.