Lost

Thunderous echos within
Fading; A staccato rhythm to it’s beat.

A little girl; lost within the ashen chambers,
of a palace once rose red and filled with hope.

Lost

Forgiven but never forgotten,
her past transgressions torment her

Lost within the woman she is yet to become,
she curls up in a corner;
clutching a ratty blanket of memories to her form.

A mediocre form of protection.

Anything to keep warm,
Anything to keep safe,
from the bitter coldness that now torments her every waking moment,
from the demons that now plague her soul.

The bitter coldness, that causes the adolescent that she is still is;
to teeter..
on the edge of madness,
to spread her arms open in jubilation..
to welcome the darkness within

So cold.
So very cold.

Lost within the child she has now become,
the woman clings to her sanity
and her childlike innocence..

Her belief in the promise of tomorrow;
A beacon that lights her way, pulling her away from the edge.

Still,
She stumbles and falls; succumbing to the little broken girl inside of her.
Tears falling; bright red against the stark whiteness of her surroundings.

A rose red; the same colour that her now ashen palace of dreams, once was.

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Life

It’s all about the choices we make, the chances we take .. And the people we don’t break

People fight so hard to gain freedom, freedom to make their own choices , to follow paths not set out for them but they do not know the consequences of choice. They do not realize that our paths have already been predetermined and perhaps not by some higher deity but by our actions,our words our very sense of being

What is the sense of self , one can ask?
Only you will know, another can reply.

As people, we know, no-one better than we know ourselves.
Best friends , partners, lovers, siblings, family members …
They are all an extension of ourselves

They know us but they can never truly KNOW us as we know ourselves.
We doubt ourselves , we question , we rationalize to such extents that we are left feeling raw and vulnerable. We are left with question upon question, seeking solace in someone other than ourselves, hoping they can identify the person within us. The real being inside.

What if?, one always asks when an opportunity arises
You will never know unless you take the chance, another can say

As people know, there are once in a lifetime opportunities that life tends to hand us on a silver platter. I suppose it’s an “I’m sorry” of sorts from life.
However some refuse to take the chance
Be it on life itself, love and other things.

Our pessimistic viewpoint tells us that it won’t work out, subduing the little optimistic voice inside us that whispers “What If?”, so quietly it might not have been heard, except for the faint quickening of your heartbeat that for a millisecond, the imagined the possibilities

The possibilities are as limitless as the universe, it’s all about the choices we make.

We cannot traverse through this crazy ride we call life without breaking people along the way. Failed relationships , complications, trysts, feuds with family or now ex friends. However there are the few that remain who we don’t break. Who are either similar in mannerisms to us, or who suck it up to be around us. There are the best friends, the family who never exactly had a choice, the crushes and those that just accept you for who you are.

What makes a person break, one can ask one self?
The same things that could break you, another could answer.

We are all wired so differently it’s amazing we are compatible with one another. The mind set of some lead me to believe that there may not be hope left for generations to come, that too many will be cynically hardened by life and will refuse to take that once in a lifetime chance , based on one experience when they have a lifetime to create better memories if it had to fail.

As people who have been broken, and have in turn broken others. We know what to expect so we either shut any form of emotion out of our lives or we keep trying ever so desperately to find the right person, both causing a destruction of self that we can never really recover from.

Why do we do this? Is it a form of protection? Why not take the chance and see what happens?

As people who have been broken, and have in turn broken others. We need to be aware of not only the destruction of self but the duality of self. The duality of self is one that cannot be denied or repressed. Life requires balance. A ying to its counterpart of yang, good to bad , right to wrong.

You end up repressing half of your being based on an unpleasant experience. You should be rational enough to know that by repressing yourself, you would be killing yourself. Not only killing yourself but closing yourself off to new experiences and memories which would be detrimental to your spirit.

Live life. Breathe. Make mistakes. Learn. Take a chance. Be happy.

___________

I’m well aware of my own duality and it’s not something I bother fighting because fighting what I am serves no purpose. All it does is slow me down. I’ve learnt to take care with my choices , take chances on people and things, how to break and how to handle being broken, without repressing the saint and sinner within.

Looking Back

Despite my romantic ups and downs of the year 2012, I realized and recalled today that my ex had sent me something in a variety of languages while drunk one night. Having only remembered it now I translated it ( google etc because I’m not THAT good at translation just yet – especially it with Greek etc )

Σας έχω αγαπήσει κάθε μέρα
(I’ve loved everyday)

אני אוהב אותך עד סוף

(I love you until the end )

sin conturbantes cor meum
(If you break my heart )

私はあなたを許すことは決してありません
(I will never forgive you)

I’m not sure how to feel about it to be honest , in hindsight it was sweet while we were dating but now it feels like I’ll always have this over me, I thought I had made peace with the past and maybe I should just forget this but I’m not sure if I can. Do I really need his forgiveness? Or is my own self worth , worth more?

I also feel like I shouldn’t be asking for forgiveness for something I had no control over, he was given a choice and he made it, and I’m okay with that but sometimes it feels like I have unfinished business. I’m not one to walk away when a problem should be resolved but I feel in a situation as volatile as this, I should .

I’m a confrontational person and I don’t like to hide when I feel I can sort it out but I have also moved on with my life and I can only hope he has as well.

2012 was an educational experience for me in terms of varying “relationships” and it made me realize it IS okay if a guy walks away, it hurts but you learn. I realized that nothing has to last forever and sometimes the shorter the better. I realized I’m not as plain as I always thought I was and it’s given me more of a confidence boost as I now believe in my femininity regardless of my tomboyish ways.

I realized exactly how complex I am and I’m not sure most guys would ever be able to comprehend AND appreciate that fact.

I’m as “unique” as every other individual on this earth, perfect in being perfectly flawed and perfectly crazy ( at times – who am I kidding, all the time).

It’s all about balance and maybe one day I’ll achieve that PERFECT balance, for both the saint and sinner inside of me.

Jack and Jill

As I sit here, snug and comfy as a bug, on this more than semi-depressing wet winter’s day in Cape Town, I think about two friends of mine.

This one girl, “Jill” and this guy called “Jack”

Albeit admittedly Jill had some sort of a small (or not so small) crush on Jack at the beginning of the year (YAY! First university crush). In a way, I thought he may have liked her too, but maybe I was reading all the wrong signals. He sat next to her (well, actually she had moved to sit next to him after he bugged her about it), they sat close together on near empty benches, her leg against his, he kept finding excuses to touch her (Nothing inappropriate) and she was cool with it, she was happy.

Next thing you know his cooler than a freaking cucumber and she’s invisible.

FINE

She’s moving on with her life but she was still left wondering WTF??

I’ve seen her crush so hard on him but he constantly falls for girls who don’t treat him right.

Anyway I’d begun to notice one thing about my male friend  … He’s always managed to crash and burn his heart. So I asked myself, why is it that some of the nicest guys I know, crash and burn their hearts over bitches that don’t deserve them?

What’s the point of it? Yeah guys complain about the friend zone but unsurprisingly enough, girls are stuck there too.

Realizing I’d never know the answer to this I asked Jack :

(I axed out most of the useless parts of this conversation on BBM, as well as just making the names easier to read – everything else still remains in context)

*********************************

Winterwolf: Is it just me or do you crash and burn your heart on a reg bases with (no offence) bitches who can’t treat you right?
Jack: Hahahaha. I don’t even know. My answer to that would be ‘No’. But who am I kidding?
Winterwolf: Why do you do it?
Jack: Do what? /:)
Winterwolf: Never mind
Jack: Nooo. Say!
Winterwolf: Crash and burn for bitches?
Jack: I wouldn’t really know how to explain it. I guess it’s just that I, of course, fall for them when I don’t know their whole persona.
Winterwolf:  And by then its too late and you can’t escape?
Jack: That’s the problem. By then, you’re stuck, wondering what you’ve done wrong, and trying to rectify your mistakes that you yourself know won’t work.
̊Winterwolf:  So what is it about these girls you fall for?  You know the chubacabra in disguise
Jack: Hahaha. I don’t know. I’m a guy – we fall for girls for different reasons. I don’t know.. Don’t like speaking about this type of stuff..
̊Winterwolf: Well, what do you like in a girl? (Besides her being a chupacabra in disguise)
Jack: Well, her personality. If I can be myself in front of her the first time I meet her, it’s generally something that would attract me slightly to her…
Winterwolf:  What else? Do looks, religion etc play a part?
Jack: Looks, yes. But religion is a definite factor – I prefer dating Hindu girls. Why ask you? If I may ask. Is it for your blog?

*********************************

And that was the end of that BBM conversation, he went to bed and I sat up to write this.

Hopefully Jill reads this and will understand. Yes religion does play a huge part in this but well, at least she knows and isn’t left in the dark by mixed signals.

The thing that bugs me is that it seems like this type of thing (not the religious bit but falling for the wrong people) has become a vicious cycle.

(Refer to that ever so beautiful picture below that my friend found somewhere online –Please don’t ask me where because I have no idea/ she might have made it herself, I’m not sure and she isn’t telling)

It’s quite sad that it is true.
Don’t you just hate the friendzone sometimes?

It becomes a viciously never ending cycle that seems to just emphasize the “fact” that nice guys finish last and the queen bitch (we normal girls would secretly  “Love” to be but loathe with a passion stronger than a guys love for his xbox/pc) will always get the guy that we secretly not so secretly want.

Ah well, I suppose that is the way things work in this world of ours.

In reality:

  • Prince Charming (aka the nice guy) won’t fall for Cinderella but rather one of her bitchy step sisters.
  • Aurora wont be kissed awake by a Prince but rather a douchebag who will inevitably regard her as a notch on his bedpost
  •  Snow white wont have her life saving kiss of true love and will probably be put in rehab for a drug overdose
  • “Red riding hood” might actually fall inlove with the wolf and then fall for a sparkly vampire and then cheat on said sparkly vampire because it’s hard to commit when he sparkles so prettily.
  • Shrek and Fiona start out okay together but then she becomes “human” again(aka comes to her “senses”)  and will totally fall for the douchebag prince.

Then again C’est la vie,this may be the way the world actually works but sometimes there are the rare exceptions, exceptions that, despite my cynicism, make me believe that anyone can find real love out there.

It makes me hope that I could find it too.

Who knows for sure? Because I certainly don’t.

The Mid-Year Resolution

I’m so sick of the douchebags.
I’m so sick of guys that are full of themselves, filled with the misguided notion and concept that they are men, when they are in-fact boys at best.

I’m sick of being treated like nothing.
I’m sick of being bothered by boys acting like assholes, especially if I harboured (Note: Past Tense) not so secret feelings for one of them but you know what?

I’m over it.
No more assholes.
No more being treated like dirt.
No more egos.
No more douchebags
And most importantly
NO MORE BOYS!

If I date again, I don’t want to date a boy.. I’d like someone I’d define as a man and yes that definition differs based on my personal opinion and taste but you know what, when I find the right man, I’ll let you know exactly what that definition is.
I’m not looking for “Mr Right” I’m looking for “Mr Right Now (who might stick around for awhile)”
I won’t say no to a spot of fun ( Dependent on who is asking )
Because I know what I’m worth and currently, this is not it

But for now..
I have my mid-year resolution..

NO MORE BOYS!

Who knows, I may even break this resolution for a boy that may fool me into thinking he’s a man.
Only time will tell..

C’est la vie 🙂

The “eX” files: Part 3 : The “WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING” Relationship

The “eX” Files

Yes, most of us know what it is like to have an ex and there are different parts to it I guess.
(Bearing in mind I’m no expert and this is just my own quirky opinion on it)

Part 3: The “WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING??”relationships

Part 1:

Hindsight can be a bitch and makes me wonder why we haven’t created a time machine just yet, just to fix those “never should have happened” relationships, ensuring they never happened.
Everyone has experienced those relationships, the ones where we look back and ask ourselves that one fundamental question after a bad relationship,

“WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING??”

These are the various relationships that we were too stubborn to listen to our friends and family about. These are the relationships we went through with paper bags (with eye holes cut in them), over our heads, so we only saw our partner (retards tunnel vision). These are the “WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING??”Relationships.

***

There are the emotional baggage relationships:

Whereby one person is either plagued by parental issues (I admit, I have some issues here) or worse consumed by a depression so intense, lassie wouldn’t be able to find her way home in it (and bear in mind, lassie found her way home after being taken to some place hundreds of miles distant in Scotland – this dog could do anything). Usually in relationships like this you either sink (and become even more depressed) or swim ( which could mean you either make something of it – and yes, I know a few happy couples – or it could mean you cut yourself lose and move on with your life).
The problem that arises in these types of relationships is when one person finds his or her feelings have changed and tries to end it.

This is when you get the:
“I can’t live without you” stage:
Here the person in question attempts to blackmail you into staying by (stupidly enough) threatening to end his or her life, thereby making you at fault if he or she dies.
This is the worst scenario anyone can face; no one wants the death of another on his or her conscience (except maybe serial killers and mass murderers who sometimes take sadistic pleasure in what they do).
Many people then find themselves trapped in situations just like this one (I was there) eventually you just have to reach out to your respective soon to be ex’s friends and family (and psychologist) and have them help him or her with the loss of, well ,you. I’m not saying be a total bitch/dickwad about it. I’m just saying give them time to accept it, take things slow, give them time to wean themselves off of you the way mothers wean babies off of breast feeding ( and I’m not talking about those mothers who do it till their child is like 5 or 6 or whatever). One thing is certain though, you can’t be held liable for his/her actions nor can you blame yourself for his/her actions.
And YES! I know there are cases where the ex is to blame but daddy and even mommy should buy a shotgun and keep those types away from your precious little girls and boys. (HOWEVER! Do not take the law into your own hands, DO NOT KILL the S.OB, I repeat, DO NOT KILL the S.OB)

***

There are the “love me” not relationships:

This is the relationship most women (and admittedly some men) are petrified of. This is the relationship whereby one person cannot seem to formulate those three little words women LOVE to hear.

“I love you”

Yup, those three little words can make or break a relationship. To some, it smacks of commitment and some men (A little birdie told me) upon hearing a woman they aren’t related to say these three little words, run as if Cerberus (The three headed dog that guards the underworld) is chasing them because they feel that the minute they say those three little words, wedding bells go off in a woman’s head. YES! For some women wedding bells do go off (NOW these bitches either be crazy OR actually genuinely in love with him). To others it’s three words that could mean the difference between spending your life searching for the right person with the wrong people because you couldn’t say those words or finding that special someone and being brave enough to take a chance.

This is when you sometimes get the:
“Running Man” stage: Named the running man stage (as unfortunately men are more likely to run from this) this is the part where the male usually does a runner (sometimes women do it too – think of Julia Roberts in “runaway bride”). All I can say is rather now than at the altar (or wherever it is that you want to get married). Sometimes the person just needs time and sometimes he/she just needs that wake up call to make them acknowledge their feelings (and NO I do not mean you should kidnap them or stalk them – give them time).

***

There are the “Tom and Gerry” relationships:

As we all know (those of us who had a childhood and did not watch Jersey Shore or Bieber), Tom and Jerry were two of the most awesome characters EVER! They fought non-stop but still loved one another (Hence the name “Tom and Gerry” relationships – Gerry just seemed more feminine to use). These relationships can be extremely volatile as you never know what to expect from Tom or Gerry. Apparently though the sex can blow your mind (That’s a theory one should test out). The problem however arises when one person in the couple isn’t strong enough to be either character.

This is when you sometimes get the:
“Battered and bruised” stage: In a “Tom and Gerry” relationships violence and dominance set the stage for what can either lead to a fantastic relationship (You know what I mean *nudge nudge, wink wink* ) or can lead to something far more dangerous, especially if one partner becomes abusive ,this however is not something to joke about. GET OUT IMMEDIATILY!! It’s the safest thing to do, regardless of whether or not it’s physical, mental or emotional abuse, GET OUT!! You do not want to be another statistic on a chart or screw your children up further. There are help-lines all over, for this very issue.
Friends and family are a vital safety net you can rely on should things go wrong with your partner, DO NOT remain silent about it. And as I stated before daddy and even mommy should buy a shotgun and keep those types away from your precious little girls and boys (HOWEVER! Do not take the law into your own hands, DO NOT KILL the S.OB, I repeat, DO NOT KILL the S.OB – Report him/her to the police and file a restraining order)

***

The “Money –go round” relationship”:

Sad fact, this is the relationship type that usually ends up giving women a bad name. This is the relationship whereby men with money allow themselves to be duped by bombshell babes, manipulative whores or easy access to her “not so secret place”. This is the relationship that thrives when money is involved and tends to wane when the money is less and “nooky” time becomes a thing of the past and the poor sod is relegated to the couch at night because she has a “headache” (what she really means is her legs open for a price – bear in mind, this isn’t all relationships only the “Money –go round” relationship” is applicable here) or she’s sulking.

This is when you sometimes get the:
“Fair weather girlfriend” stage: As long as money comes in and you can spoil her she doesn’t care, when the money stops she becomes like a “fair weather friend” and vanishes when you need her most. This is the type of person that will date and dump you for bigger, brighter and definitely greener pastures. You on the other hand should be celebrating the minute she does (if you’re not bankrupt by then of course).

***

The Friend –Hater relationships:

This in my opinion is one of the worst kinds of relationship to be in. You’re stuck between choosing the people that have always been there for you or your latest partner ( the one you hope will be the one and either put a ring on you or like you enough to let you put a ring on it – A wedding ring on his/her finger for you dirty minded folk out there , yes I mean you nuky – ). This can honestly be tougher than trying to maintain your willpower when you see your favourite chocolate after dieting for two months (I personally can’t last a week). Eventually a rift will form between you and your “now so close to being ex friends” friend and that’s when you have to make your choice

This is when you sometimes get the:
“Shout or Pout” stage: Depending on your partners gender he or she may end up doing both of these things and you have no option left but to make your choice because remember he or she would have done any and almost everything to get you to drop your friends or vice versa BUT BEWARE!!! You DO get those cases where your so called friends are absolute assholes (male and female alike), so make sure you know EXACTLY what’s going on. In the instances where your friends aren’t absolute assholes pick your friends. They were there for you from the start don’t let a great friendship go to waste because he’s hot or she’s got a nice ass. However In the instances where your friends are absolute assholes (who are probably jealous) pick your partner and make new friends (How you may ask? Join a gym, book club or whatever and meet new people). Just always be aware of the fact that the choices you make will impact your life in one way or another.

***

Basically these “WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING??” relationships have taught us exactly what we needed to learn at any given moment. It’s one of those life lessons we could never mature without.

(There are honestly so many different types of “WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING??” relationships that I doubt I could note all of them down, however I will keep updating this piece.)