Jack

Is there a point, where the pain becomes too much?

Is this when you reach for that first bottle of jack hoping he’ll be a good friend and you won’t remember anything.
Hoping he’ll numb you to the sensation of having your soul stripped off, lash by lash by each emotional whipping you receive.

Is this the point where you stop taking it like a cowering dog and do your own thing, numbing yourself inside and out to avoid the bitter disappointment, all with the help of good ol’Jack?

Does Jack help you forget the first time you kissed? The 14th of January

Does Jack help you forget the intensity that flared between you? The 3rd of March

Does Jack remind you of all the good times, the laughs, the stolen kisses on starry nights or does Jack bring back memories of being taken for granted and all the tears, sleepless nights and feelings of inadequacy.

Does Jack remind you that you’re not enough?

You’re not skinny enough

You’re not pretty enough

You’re not religious enough

You’re too loud and abrasive

You’re too friendly with guys

You don’t deserve it

You never did

All you deserved was the torment you received when you were younger, a continuous cycle of hell.

You deserved it then.

You asked for it then.

You deserve this now too

Does Jack finally, slowly, take everything away, until all you see is darkness or does jack slowly numb your senses to the point where you only come awake upon impact? Perhaps not even then, because perhaps Jack did his job right this time and you’ve gotten your wish.

Your life and others destroyed, because you had to numb yourself from the constant screams of agony at each lashing.

How do you save yourself from drowning in a bottle? Even though you know the answer won’t be there, do you still try to find it there?

How do you numb yourself?

How do you find yourself again?

How do you live a lie again?

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Lost

Thunderous echos within
Fading; A staccato rhythm to it’s beat.

A little girl; lost within the ashen chambers,
of a palace once rose red and filled with hope.

Lost

Forgiven but never forgotten,
her past transgressions torment her

Lost within the woman she is yet to become,
she curls up in a corner;
clutching a ratty blanket of memories to her form.

A mediocre form of protection.

Anything to keep warm,
Anything to keep safe,
from the bitter coldness that now torments her every waking moment,
from the demons that now plague her soul.

The bitter coldness, that causes the adolescent that she is still is;
to teeter..
on the edge of madness,
to spread her arms open in jubilation..
to welcome the darkness within

So cold.
So very cold.

Lost within the child she has now become,
the woman clings to her sanity
and her childlike innocence..

Her belief in the promise of tomorrow;
A beacon that lights her way, pulling her away from the edge.

Still,
She stumbles and falls; succumbing to the little broken girl inside of her.
Tears falling; bright red against the stark whiteness of her surroundings.

A rose red; the same colour that her now ashen palace of dreams, once was.

Chasing the illusion

What is happiness?

The Web definition of Happiness:
state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

And I’m not talking about that first taste of chocolate or that ice cream cone that made your day, nor am I talking about a hug or a smile from a friend or the completion of a task.

I’m talking about the happiness that can stem from another person into you. The happiness that is supposedly found in relationships. The happiness people long for and dream of once it’s gone; because they never realized its worth, until it isn’t there anymore.

I’m lonely, I’ll admit to it but I will never compromise my “search” for happiness for “instant gratification”.  My best friend had lectured me so severely one day, I had moaned about “needing” a man in my life to make me happy, I was told I didn’t need a man in my life to be happy and even if I had one, I needed to learn to be happy by myself first.

She was right, and I am. I’m happy on my own. Sure I’ll look at guys and dream but that’s just it – a DREAM.  I don’t feel the need or desire to chase this illusion of happiness that some seem to have found. I don’t find myself having those school girl crush moments anymore. It’s like I’ve become old before my time but I’m grateful because it’s given me wisdom which is more useful to me now, than in hindsight.

There are so many women who chase this illusion and to be honest, there’s nothing wrong with hoping and praying for a better and brighter tomorrow with someone by your side, I’ve done it often enough – and I sometimes STILL so it. It’s just when as a woman you start to believe you are fated to be unhappy, you start believing in all those silly online pictures and quotes from pre-pubescent teenagers who haven’t even lived for 2 decades or people long gone.

This would never be written by any boy; It was sent to me by a friend

Is it really worth it? Being in a relationship just for that rush of happiness you feel, a rush akin to that of an adrenaline junkie taking that first step into empty air, falling, a scream voiced from the very depths of your being torn away from you by the wind as you come closer and closer, at an alarming rate to the unforgiving harshness of still waters, just to be yanked back up again by the bungee cord. Is it really worth it?

Especially if you’re taking advice from someone telling you not to give all of you? Is that really an attempt at an everlasting happiness with another or only a way to ensure that something is bound to go wrong? Even if things go wrong eventually, you should be able to say, I TRIED, I PROMISE I didn’t attempt to sabotage it on purpose.

Wise words but are they conducive to finding happiness with another?

Is that when it becomes more about falling in happiness rather than actually being happy? The first few days or even weeks of any relationship are always the happiest. It’s the “honeymoon” phase and eventually, reality will set in. Sometimes it CAN and WILL last but other times, especially when it seems like all you’re after is the initial happy high, doubt (and paranoia)  sinks in and you refuse to get your heart involved, causing a bit of a traffic jam between your mind, heart and soul.

Is that when it becomes more about chasing the illusion of happiness rather than actual happiness? When you start to reminisce about a past in which you were happy, that’s when issues tend to arise because your present misery could never compete with your past, especially if all you recall are the happier moments and not what lead you to your current predicament. The only thing that could ever trump your past and present combined would be your future, which remains unwritten and can only be determined by you.

I’d rather wait for happiness or even work for it, for real eternal happiness, in the  oversized waiting room we call life than spend my time chasing a mere illusion until the doctor calls to tell me my time is at an end.

What is more important I wonder?

To BE happy Or To LIVE happily for a period of time?

More ramblings from a not so fresh fresher

Hey! Bonjour! Hola! And whatever other greetings there may be.

So yes! I know I haven’t posted in awhile but university has become hectic and for a student studying four languages, even more so.

For some reason my lecturers and tutors feel like their specific  subjects are the most important and pile on work like there no tomorrow, regardless of our other subjects, assignments and homework.

Shit just got real yo (Yeah , no that doesn’t really work for me)

On the dating/guy aspect of uni, there’s a whole separate blog post about that coming soon.

I just need to somehow find the time and balance everything properly. It’s a major thing that I haven’t stopped blogging completely, I’m so proud of myself but please bear in mind my posts will be more sporadic/sparse. It all depends on when my muse decides to make an appearance and whether or not my tired being can bother listening.

When you wake up at 4.45am to get on campus at 6am – just for parking – shows major dedication (but that can’t be remedied until next year – 2nd years can get a parking disc; SUPER AMPED)

So anywhoo I need to be off :/ I still have 1 overdue mandarin assignment plus another due on Thursday

An Italian test on Friday that I still need to study for , plus a shitload of exercises.

A partially completed French assignment due Friday (about a fashion faux-pas – like I know anything about fashion; I’ve only started dressing like a girl recently) plus a shitload of exercises

A Spanish assignment (I think – they changed our course outline but haven’t told us exactly what’s going on)

Okay so that above piece was all yesterday but I just never had the time to publish it, since Dom and I decided to “go get free stuff” At the career fair (and yes, it was free – I was given a shitload of pens, highlighters, and even a Durex feather light condom box with free detol hand sanitizer (which I found a tad weird but okay) or maybe it was the free hand sanitizer that came with free condoms hmmm…)

The thing about “Career fairs” is that they cater for every degree stream (well they are meant to ) except for your Humanities degrees. I admit, last week when going to the IT Career fair and Accounting Career fair, we knew it wasn’t for our degree stream but we went for pens and as bad as that may seem I do need to ‘fess up at this point and say , “YES! I lied about my degree – a few times it changed, depending on the stall- to get free stationary/mugs/highlighters/flashlights/pencils etc etc ” BUT even though the moral of this story is that lying is bad, you can get free shit and you can get busted (As I discovered this week – but that’ll come in a different post).

Yesterday I went to the GENERAL career fair, being naïve (and ignoring Dom who said they don’t HAVE career fairs for humanities students) I thought YAY! FINALLY, A career fair where I won’t have to lie. (I even skipped the engineering career fair the Monday) only to discover that yet again all the big companies only wanted engineers and commerce students. Joy to the freaking world.

Although at one company’s stall I happened to wander by, I was honest about my degree and I admit that company interested me (It’s a financial company – I know I was in shock when I realized how much it intrigued me – and it was also the first company to show interest in a BA student such as myself). I was told that the company would need translators since most of its business was done with international clients and the company made more than a Billion US$ a year. All I had to do was show some interest in the financial market as is, without having to study anything in terms of a course for my degree.

For me personally, every company with international clientele will need someone who can translate and interpret but the career fairs only seemed to emphasize the fact that my chosen path of study wasn’t good enough in comparison to those with science or mathematically based degrees. Bloomberg however gave me that fine thread of hope that I needed to re-motivate myself – If I want to be the best, I’ll have to work for the best.

No company is made up of solely engineers, actuarial scientists, designers etc etc. People with BA degree’s ARE needed in almost every company, whether its publicity work or HR or even as the company psychologist, We ARE needed and we do matter.

As for getting busted,

I was busted by my dad’s friend son.

Thing is, I know this guys dad well enough, I know his younger brother (kinda) but HE (the one who “busted me” ) was always off at uni or whatever being a brainiac actuarial-scientist –to-be  and he was always the “idol” held up to me, a girl with an Indian dad and one who isn’t following the norm and doing anything in medical, financial or law related fields (despite what people say, that stereotype is not a lie).

And now after one “conversation” with him (me lying about my degree and year of study – in my defense I didn’t know who he was at first). My best friend thinks’ he’s GORGEOUS . Admittedly he never busted me to anyone else but when I told my parents who I had finally met and what happened (the busting and according to dom he was flirting with me – LIES,  He just recognized my face and wanted to know how he knew me ) my dad automatically phoned his dad, and told him all about the free pen thing (although my dad has been stealing my bounty). His dad just laughed and said it was a typical Indian thing to get free stuff :/

Hopefully (or maybe not) I won’t see him again but I know I will see/ speak to his dad again (his dad usually phones once every month or so to speak to my dad and I’m the one who answers the phone) and that’s going to be fun.

lots of love

my royal not so fresh fresherness

TAG! – I’m it !!

YAY!!!!!! I’m IT!! I was semi-reccently tagged in a blog tagging game by Jae Lei Nyght and it seemed fun so I answered 🙂 It’s a great way to get to know one another without feeling obligated to answer so here goes …

First and Foremost

The Blog Tag Rules

1. Post the rules
2. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post
3. Create eleven new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged (or use the existing ones)
4. Tag (eleven) people with a link to your post
5. Let them know they’ve been tagged

Jae Lei Nyght’s Questions and My Answers
1. What are five things you love most about yourself?

  •  I can get along with almost anyone
  •  I tend to have a “sixth sense” of sorts about certain people
  •  I’m feisty
  •  I can be a hard worker (when I want to)

And last but not least (as vain as it is)

  •  I LOVE my hair (Seriously, people are not allowed to touch my hair easily)

2. What is your fondest memory

Sitting and watching “Walker Texas Ranger” with my gran late at night while my aunts would complain it was waaay past my bedtime. ( I was like 5 or 6 – and it was a tradition of sorts my grandmother and I shared)

3. When you think of home, what do you see, taste, feel?

I think of how I would spend my weekends and holidays staying at my grandmother’s house with my two aunts. I see the love we shared for one another, laughing, crying ( I cired a lot – especially when my aunt would put me on the “high” – not that high actually – counter to force me to study the months of the year and the times table) , I taste the awful taste of vegetables ( I’m not the biggest veggie fan but I was bribed with chocolate to eat my veg .. so even if it took me an hour – which it sometimes did- I ate my veg) and I FEEL the love we share… My ma (or Grandmother) passed away in 2006 and it somehow brought us closer together. I love my aunts more than anything and I know I could never repay them for what they’ve done for me

4. Pretend you’re a stranger reading your blog. What is one word you would use to describe it?

Ridiculous

5. “To be or not to be, that is the question?” by William Shakespeare What does this quote mean to you?

To me, it means I need to live MY life to the fullest. . I need to “BE” NO ONE else but ME. I will not spend it trying to emulate others because of “trends”. I need to “BE” all I can or rather not exist. Life is a precious gift that was not meant to be wasted and being anything less than MYSELF would be a tragedy. I am ME and that’s the best person I could ever be.

6. If you could go back in time, where would you go? And why?

I would like to go to the 1995 Rugby World Cup match in South Africa, I’m not a big Rugby fan (I don’t understand the rules etc of the game) but that was an amazing moment in South African history. That was the moment when a nation truly became united regardless of colour.

7. If you could undo one thing from your past, what would it be?

I wouldn’t undo anything (except maybe letting my mother see that love bite by accident – VERY awkward explanation). Everything that has happened to me has made me who I am. It’s made me stronger and wiser ( MUCH wiser) and I doubt i’d survive without the knowledge I’d gained from it all.

8. What’s your favorite color and why?

I like black but technically black isn’t a colour, so all colours I suppose. I like the colour black simply because it goes with EVERYTHING (In terms of clothing) but otherwise anything moderately vibrant and upbeat but then again it is all dependent on my mood.

9. They say you can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep. What is one attribute about your best friend or spouse that is most similar to you?

There is no one attribute. My best friend could be my twin, if it wasn’t for the fact she is older and well, white. It’s actually scary how alike we are. We also balance each other out, when she’s feeling insane, I’m the sane one. When I feel depro, she is the bundle if happiness I need and vice versa. We can act like meerkats while guy spotting and just mention one thing (ie. Blue shirt, my left etc) and we’ll know exactly who the other is talking about.

10. If you could have one power in the world what would it be and why?

I would want to be able to shape shift into ANYTHING because there would be nothing more badass than shifting into a fire breathing dragon, with poisonous claws and a wickedly spiked tail, to scare the shit outta the asshole who is bugging you or your friend. Also it would be SUPER epic to shift into any animal (except insects, I have this tendency to freak out when i’m around insects or well when they are around me .. if I could climb walls I would, ANYTHING to get away).

And last but not least

11. Imagine one loving message you could give to the world, right now. What would it be?

Life is unpredictable and it will throw things at you (literally and figuratively), things that you’d wish you never had the misfortune to encounter but it will make you stronger and wiser, but without love and friendship, strength and wisdom will mean nothing. It will amount to nothing.
Be strong, be wise but most of all be the person that can say without a doubt, “I have love in my life” , be it the love of friends or a loved one.

I would just like to thank Jae Lei Night for tagging me in this game. It is an honour in a way, and it’s also one of those “YAY! I’m part of something ‘More’” moments.

My 11 questions.

1. If you could be anyone who would you be and why?
2. What would you do if you had 1 million (of whatever currency it is you have in your country)?
3. List 5 things about you that very few people know.
4. What is one of your fondest memories?
5. What made you decide to blog?
6. What are (were) your dreams and goals for your future?
7. If you could be any animal, what would you be any why?
8. What qualities do you look for in friends?
9. What do you think is your main “fault”? (ie. I’m too trusting)
10. If you travel into the future, what would you do?
11. Why do you blog about the topics you blog about?

My 11 People

1. Literally Laurie 
2. Project Bass
3. Just Dan93
4. Tebogo Ndlovu
5. Christine
6. Organised Chaos
7. Coco J Ginger
8. I am Gerry
9. Arlen Shahverdyan
10. Parasharstales
11. Memoirs of a Dragon

Please remember that you are not obligated in any way to answer and actually continue said blog tagging. No one is going to haunt you for not continuing, you will not have 7 years bad luck nor will you wake up to see the chick from “The Ring” staring at you. NOTHING bad is going to happen to you if you don’t continue (I’m seriously still waiting to die from all the other things I never passed on – I wonder what will get to me first … The chick from “The Ring” or all the bad luck I’ve accumulated )

Have fun and enjoy it 🙂
If you have any more questions for me, please don’t hesitate to ask

Reflections for the insignificantly significant

Some say, when reflecting upon the wonders of life they realise their insignificance in this universe.

For me?

I just need to look upon the masses at university to realise that simple fact.

I just need to gaze over cape town and the seemingly never ending dimming sparkle of lights over a city that slowly, begins to wake amidst the few that have been up since before the sun had touched the skyline with its magnificent presence ..

I just need to stare off into the distance looking past this never ending city, to the mountains; that create a sense of foreboding in winter, when the skies are murky and grey and that create a sense of vibrant vitality and strength when the sky is ablaze in the summer…

I just need to do these simple things…
To realize the extent of my insignificance,
not even in a world so large
but in a city too big to really care.
I just need to do these simple things…
To realize the extent of my insignificance
Not only in a city too big to really care
but in the rat race we are all caught up in called life.

However I’ve realised, while musing over my insignificance…
Ironically enough; we are all significantly insignificant
This in itself in a weird turn-about sort of way makes us significant.

To our friends
To our family
To our peers
To anyone our little interconnected lives may have touched in some way
Because let’s face it, we are all connected with one another.

So maybe I’m not as insignificant as I believe and maybe someday some friends will remember me.
But for now, I’m happier in the background.

It’s easier to hurt alone and share it with the world,
When I’m mostly anonymous amidst the millions of others
Than hurt and share it with “Friends”,
Where I can easily be preyed upon, in the worst possible way.

The Fresher

Well .. This piece I originally wrote on wednesday the first of February 2012 .. And it was posted on my old blog .. But I decided that now that I’ve started a new semester at university I might as well share it..

In hindsight ( and yes, it was only a few months ago) I realize that nothing would’ve changed my mind. Nothing would’ve made me stop and think I couldn’t do it. Nothing can make me think that.

There are only two posts I had done based solely on my life as a “fresher” and that was when I still had time to write .. So there will be a HUGE gap between then and now but anyway .. Maybe I can fill it eventually .. There has been a post about my best friend Nuky ( The greatest friend) and we had met at university but this focus’ more on my specific struggles with my subjects

But this post basically contains more about me and the way my crazily random and stubborn mind works

“Before it all starts

In life there are many things that are uncertain and many things that are decided either by you, or powers that be ( I’d like to call such powers University Curriculum Advisers AKA the demi gods of the underworld; also known as the Faculty Admin )

It is one thing to do what you love and know you will excel at but its completely different to shooting yourself in the foot during that process and cutting off your nose to spite your face, just to prove people wrong.

I was told I wouldn’t be able to cope learning not 1 and not 2 but 4 languages from scratch in the 4 years I would be attending university ( I willingly agreed to do a forth year to do it all). 

The languages being:

-Italian

-Spanish

-French

-Mandarin

I was told it’s a foolish dream and lead to believe that doing it was akin to searching for a government without a corrupt official in one department or the other.

I admit it, i’m just a tad crazy with my goal. I was told its impossible but I hate backing down from a challenge. I was told what I wanted to do  did not go against any of the University’s rules  but I was strongly advised against it. 

What would i do afterwards?

What career would i get?

I stubbornly refused all of the first advisers “help”.. 

The second adviser ( having been forewarned by the first) sat and listened as I rambled out my dilemma and the concerns and doubts I was given by the “lovely” first adviser

Let me mention one thing.. 

you can believe all you want but when the people around you begin to doubt you, 

that is when you too begin to doubt.

and doubt I did,

The second adviser sat there and told me i would do well,

if I didn’t like what I was doing I could change before the end of the term and do something else in second term

Happy with that I left the university but now,a day before I’m due to register as a student.

 I find myself struck with the same doubts others had.. speaking to a third year friend of mine,

I voiced all doubts and uncertainties, now dealing with one as stubborn as myself is not easy. at all.

It is akin to forcing a mule to move. 

Once the mind is made up, there is no changing it yet somehow unlike the others, he didn’t tell me what to do, he rather told me how to make the best of it.

he mentioned i’d need a background in some form of politics or something to make me employable overseas and I found my little loophole ( just as a back up plan). 

For now however..

I’ll stick with the plan I had made and see it through for the year,

who knows.. I MIGHT fail or I MIGHT pass better than the first curriculum adviser ever expected.

This year is mine and mine alone.

Only I can decide what’s best for me in the long run 

and the same applies to you.

I’ll blog about the various trials ans tribulations involved throughout this year
The uncertainties, the friends, the frenemies and even the lectures and who knows what else university life may throw at me.

All the best
The Fresher ”

Well .. I’m not such a “Fresh” fresher anymore XD …

But then again, C’est la vie 🙂