Lost

Thunderous echos within
Fading; A staccato rhythm to it’s beat.

A little girl; lost within the ashen chambers,
of a palace once rose red and filled with hope.

Lost

Forgiven but never forgotten,
her past transgressions torment her

Lost within the woman she is yet to become,
she curls up in a corner;
clutching a ratty blanket of memories to her form.

A mediocre form of protection.

Anything to keep warm,
Anything to keep safe,
from the bitter coldness that now torments her every waking moment,
from the demons that now plague her soul.

The bitter coldness, that causes the adolescent that she is still is;
to teeter..
on the edge of madness,
to spread her arms open in jubilation..
to welcome the darkness within

So cold.
So very cold.

Lost within the child she has now become,
the woman clings to her sanity
and her childlike innocence..

Her belief in the promise of tomorrow;
A beacon that lights her way, pulling her away from the edge.

Still,
She stumbles and falls; succumbing to the little broken girl inside of her.
Tears falling; bright red against the stark whiteness of her surroundings.

A rose red; the same colour that her now ashen palace of dreams, once was.

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Heartbreak hotel

So I’ve tried and failed for more than a week to get over him but I can’t. I know I’m not in the wrong, that I had done nothing wrong but it hurt that he gave up on me without even telling me why.

I fell inlove with him. I was completely enamored and besotted with him. Smitten.

And I thought he might have felt the same , not that I told him but I thought he knew and with the ever blind faith and loyalty of a dog to its owner, I remain loyal to him.

I think what scares me most about this though,

Is the fact I wasn’t good enough for him.

It makes me question myself in ways I never have before, it created this self doubt that I’m not pretty enough, smart enough, sexual enough, athletic enough, that I’m maybe too much of some things and too little of others.

With him I had felt perfect and now I feel like I’ll never be good enough for anyone. Like to be accepted for me I must change who and what I am to be the “me” guys want.

I hardly eat anymore. I supplement my diet mostly with soda’s and water, which I suppose helps with the tears.

I just wish I knew why I was shut out and I know I’ll never be worth the answer.

Not to him at least.

“If “Happy Ever After” did exist,
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairy tales are full of shit
One more fucking love song, I’ll be sick.

Oh, you turned your back on tomorrow
‘Cause you forgot yesterday.
I gave you my love to borrow,
But you just gave it away.

You can’t expect me to be fine,
I don’t expect you to care
I know I’ve said it before,
But all of our bridges burned down

I’ve wasted my nights,
You turned out the lights
Now I’m paralyzed,
Still stuck in that time,
When we called it love,
But even the sun sets in paradise” – Payphone ; Maroon 5

Everytime I listen to this song I feel it, I see him. Places, conversations the most menial / mundane task or thing reminds me of him.

It’s like I’m being told to never forget. I don’t know what I did to deserve this , as they say “karma is a bitch” , I just hope that whatever I did, was something “worthwhile” because I just lost my heart.

I can only hope that I can move on but I do know I’ll never trust someone with my heart and spirit so easily ever again.

So I thank him for that lesson learnt.

“No more tears, my heart is dry
I don’t laugh and I don’t cry
I don’t think about you all the time
But when I do – I wonder why” – The Reckoning Song ; Asaf Avidan

What is wrong with me?

Unfortunately that could not have been avoided, I am in the process of writing my year end examinations and would not have posted until after but this … This had to be told, so I could remember and perhaps never forget.

I did something stupid on on the 18th of this month, reckless , hormonal and feeling decidedly out of it.. I chatted up this guy, I stayed up all night talking to him and the next day he fetched me…

We well fooled around a little ( but nothing too hectic ) and in the space of less than a week, I managed to fall for the one guy that is without a doubt busier than I am.

He makes me feel alive again.
He makes me question who I am and what I want to be.
He makes me feel safe.
He makes me feel like it’s okay to be me, as crazy as I am.

He understands that there’s a lot more to me than what people first assume ,
and I need that understanding because it rarely happens.

Eventually ( considering I’d known him for less than a week ) I questioned various acquaintances asking that all important question my young mind seemed to bring to the forefront of it all, demanding attention.

“What is wrong with me?

It’s amazing how the first thing I had thought was that the was something physically and mentally wrong with me, and only one person replied without a hint of a lie. He told me I was too intense ..

In hindsight, I agree. I am intense. Within my being resides this inferno that is kept banked and simmers dully but at any chance for it to blaze and burn bright .. It does, it consumes me and that is my fatal flaw.

I am falling deeper and deeper into what could be heaven or hell for someone that I pray is not only an illusion, one that I so desperately crave. The burning intensity within turning a mere man into a god. For that is how I would treat the man who dare risk being burned to love me.

I know I risk being burned by my own fire, as I am burning now,
But what is a life without risk? A life without fire and flame?
A life without a cure for that flame.

It is not a life,
But the makings of a soul marked for damnation.
A damnation not in hell but on earth.
Who would seek a lonely existence but those which cannot dance the dance of fire and passion.

To the greatest “Ma” ever

Happy Birthday to the greatest gran ever..

A photo taken on my 1st birthday .. Posted 18 years later on her birthday.. (And I know how much she hated having her picture taken)
6 years later and I still miss you every day.
I remember how I used to hate it when you would plait my hair but I knew it was for my own good.
I remember how we used to watch Charlie Chaplin movies together late at night.
I remember how you spoiled me rotten and let me drink ( well lap ) my tea out of a saucer when it was too hot for me to drink.
How you would laugh when my aunts would make me eat my veg.
How proud you were on Sundays when I was dressed like a little princess each Sunday for church.
How you would argue with Aunties when it was past my bedtime on a Sunday night, so we could watch Walker Texas Ranger together.
How I would lie behind your back each night after saying my nightly prayers.
How you would help me remember the words when I had forgotten or stumbled along the way.
I remember how you called my germs, Jams when I had the flu once.
I remember how we used to watch SABC 2 every weekday, regular as clockwork at 10am during the December holidays for the kiddies movies they played, even though we’d seen them a million times.
I remember how you used to shout at the TV when some character was being stupid.
I don’t remember it but I was told I even found your bottle of expensive Red Door perfume when I was little and smothered myself and your room in the scent.
I remember helping you when you needed it.
I remember you chuckling to yourself when Aunty Sheryl put my tiny self on the counter that looked like it was a million miles from the floor ( so I wouldn’t get off) to make me learn the months of the year.
I remember how proud you were of me and I can only hope that I follow along a path in this life, that would still make you proud of me, that would make you look down from above and smile.

I wish you were there for my matric dance, I wish you were there when I   needed guidance and prayers for my fears concerning my matric finals, I wish you had been there when I had finished my matric exams and passed. I wish you could’ve been there when I got my university acceptance letter. I wish you could be here now.

I will miss having you at my wedding one day. I will miss so many moments with you but I can only be grateful that I actually had a chance to have  and share some moments with you.

You were my guidance and counsel, you were like another mother to me. You were an integral part of my upbringing and one of the main reasons I am the way I am and I could never thank you enough for that.

I miss you ma, more than words could ever say,
and don’t worry ma.. I haven’t forgotten my promise to you.

I will look after my aunts, and I will do my utmost to make you proud of me.

A Labour of love

Well .. Today I had my first Mandarin test, All I can say is LOL (Not one of those “Funny haha it was easy LOL’s) AND my lecturer SUCKS! SERIOUSLY (writing the characters takes FOREVER!! – ESPECIALLY when we have to write sentences- and then we get told after 30 minutes that time is up) Grrrrr!!!

Anyway, so I decided, to help me recognize the characters faster (while learning the pinyin and English meaning at the same time), that I’d get flash cards… Yay!

So I get this one guy in my Mandarin class to email me the link to get the Flash cards’ PDF (It corresponds with our lecture book), Being an awesome guy, he emails me the PDF’s for both this semesters book AND last semesters one.

COOL

I print it and 71 pages later (bare in mind, that’s double sided – Printed on both sides) I’m left wondering how I was gonna cut it.

See normal people would say a use a pair of scissors or a guillotine but I’m accident prone and I cant cut in a straight line… It’s like the paper believes it’s okay to be cut in zigg-zag patterns, and who am I to argue.

BUT

Being the super hero that she is (and a super anal perfectionist – it is said with much love-), my bestie said she would cut it with the guillotine for me 🙂

Now, the layout of the pages were “simple” there were five rows of characters with 2 characters in each row (and everything was kinda squished and there was no “cut here” dotted lines)

Almost two hours later, smiles (when it was all perfectly matched up)  turning into mounting frustration (that almost lead her to make me reprint certain pages so it could be done “right”), She finished.

Look here!
I admit, after taking the picture I wondered if she was pointing at the stack of flash cards or her rack aka “The Twins”

Then (as if she had nothing better to do – ie assignments), in her annoyance for my inability to have thought ahead  and bring a proper “holder” (I brought a folder to shove about 700 pieces of paper in ), She then proceeded to wrap these flash cards in line paper, glue em together and then write her little message on the two neatly folded packages you see on the header thingy.

I had made a video of it (and I told her, her cleavge would be the reason my little blogger dream would come true – I want that statistics map to light up like a Christmas tree, the only area that DOESN’T have to be lit up is the ocean but if the Atlantians want, they’re more than welcome to do so ) but unless it goes on Youtube first, there’s no way for me to post it (I refuse to pay $59.95 to use “Video Press”, In South Africa that’s almost two weeks wages spent on a blog – Depending on where you work)

I seriously love my best friend 🙂

She hates wearing hats, but I think it suits her..
Although, if she was wearing green, she’d look like a leprechaun 😛

Jack and Jill

As I sit here, snug and comfy as a bug, on this more than semi-depressing wet winter’s day in Cape Town, I think about two friends of mine.

This one girl, “Jill” and this guy called “Jack”

Albeit admittedly Jill had some sort of a small (or not so small) crush on Jack at the beginning of the year (YAY! First university crush). In a way, I thought he may have liked her too, but maybe I was reading all the wrong signals. He sat next to her (well, actually she had moved to sit next to him after he bugged her about it), they sat close together on near empty benches, her leg against his, he kept finding excuses to touch her (Nothing inappropriate) and she was cool with it, she was happy.

Next thing you know his cooler than a freaking cucumber and she’s invisible.

FINE

She’s moving on with her life but she was still left wondering WTF??

I’ve seen her crush so hard on him but he constantly falls for girls who don’t treat him right.

Anyway I’d begun to notice one thing about my male friend  … He’s always managed to crash and burn his heart. So I asked myself, why is it that some of the nicest guys I know, crash and burn their hearts over bitches that don’t deserve them?

What’s the point of it? Yeah guys complain about the friend zone but unsurprisingly enough, girls are stuck there too.

Realizing I’d never know the answer to this I asked Jack :

(I axed out most of the useless parts of this conversation on BBM, as well as just making the names easier to read – everything else still remains in context)

*********************************

Winterwolf: Is it just me or do you crash and burn your heart on a reg bases with (no offence) bitches who can’t treat you right?
Jack: Hahahaha. I don’t even know. My answer to that would be ‘No’. But who am I kidding?
Winterwolf: Why do you do it?
Jack: Do what? /:)
Winterwolf: Never mind
Jack: Nooo. Say!
Winterwolf: Crash and burn for bitches?
Jack: I wouldn’t really know how to explain it. I guess it’s just that I, of course, fall for them when I don’t know their whole persona.
Winterwolf:  And by then its too late and you can’t escape?
Jack: That’s the problem. By then, you’re stuck, wondering what you’ve done wrong, and trying to rectify your mistakes that you yourself know won’t work.
̊Winterwolf:  So what is it about these girls you fall for?  You know the chubacabra in disguise
Jack: Hahaha. I don’t know. I’m a guy – we fall for girls for different reasons. I don’t know.. Don’t like speaking about this type of stuff..
̊Winterwolf: Well, what do you like in a girl? (Besides her being a chupacabra in disguise)
Jack: Well, her personality. If I can be myself in front of her the first time I meet her, it’s generally something that would attract me slightly to her…
Winterwolf:  What else? Do looks, religion etc play a part?
Jack: Looks, yes. But religion is a definite factor – I prefer dating Hindu girls. Why ask you? If I may ask. Is it for your blog?

*********************************

And that was the end of that BBM conversation, he went to bed and I sat up to write this.

Hopefully Jill reads this and will understand. Yes religion does play a huge part in this but well, at least she knows and isn’t left in the dark by mixed signals.

The thing that bugs me is that it seems like this type of thing (not the religious bit but falling for the wrong people) has become a vicious cycle.

(Refer to that ever so beautiful picture below that my friend found somewhere online –Please don’t ask me where because I have no idea/ she might have made it herself, I’m not sure and she isn’t telling)

It’s quite sad that it is true.
Don’t you just hate the friendzone sometimes?

It becomes a viciously never ending cycle that seems to just emphasize the “fact” that nice guys finish last and the queen bitch (we normal girls would secretly  “Love” to be but loathe with a passion stronger than a guys love for his xbox/pc) will always get the guy that we secretly not so secretly want.

Ah well, I suppose that is the way things work in this world of ours.

In reality:

  • Prince Charming (aka the nice guy) won’t fall for Cinderella but rather one of her bitchy step sisters.
  • Aurora wont be kissed awake by a Prince but rather a douchebag who will inevitably regard her as a notch on his bedpost
  •  Snow white wont have her life saving kiss of true love and will probably be put in rehab for a drug overdose
  • “Red riding hood” might actually fall inlove with the wolf and then fall for a sparkly vampire and then cheat on said sparkly vampire because it’s hard to commit when he sparkles so prettily.
  • Shrek and Fiona start out okay together but then she becomes “human” again(aka comes to her “senses”)  and will totally fall for the douchebag prince.

Then again C’est la vie,this may be the way the world actually works but sometimes there are the rare exceptions, exceptions that, despite my cynicism, make me believe that anyone can find real love out there.

It makes me hope that I could find it too.

Who knows for sure? Because I certainly don’t.

TAG! – I’m it !!

YAY!!!!!! I’m IT!! I was semi-reccently tagged in a blog tagging game by Jae Lei Nyght and it seemed fun so I answered 🙂 It’s a great way to get to know one another without feeling obligated to answer so here goes …

First and Foremost

The Blog Tag Rules

1. Post the rules
2. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post
3. Create eleven new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged (or use the existing ones)
4. Tag (eleven) people with a link to your post
5. Let them know they’ve been tagged

Jae Lei Nyght’s Questions and My Answers
1. What are five things you love most about yourself?

  •  I can get along with almost anyone
  •  I tend to have a “sixth sense” of sorts about certain people
  •  I’m feisty
  •  I can be a hard worker (when I want to)

And last but not least (as vain as it is)

  •  I LOVE my hair (Seriously, people are not allowed to touch my hair easily)

2. What is your fondest memory

Sitting and watching “Walker Texas Ranger” with my gran late at night while my aunts would complain it was waaay past my bedtime. ( I was like 5 or 6 – and it was a tradition of sorts my grandmother and I shared)

3. When you think of home, what do you see, taste, feel?

I think of how I would spend my weekends and holidays staying at my grandmother’s house with my two aunts. I see the love we shared for one another, laughing, crying ( I cired a lot – especially when my aunt would put me on the “high” – not that high actually – counter to force me to study the months of the year and the times table) , I taste the awful taste of vegetables ( I’m not the biggest veggie fan but I was bribed with chocolate to eat my veg .. so even if it took me an hour – which it sometimes did- I ate my veg) and I FEEL the love we share… My ma (or Grandmother) passed away in 2006 and it somehow brought us closer together. I love my aunts more than anything and I know I could never repay them for what they’ve done for me

4. Pretend you’re a stranger reading your blog. What is one word you would use to describe it?

Ridiculous

5. “To be or not to be, that is the question?” by William Shakespeare What does this quote mean to you?

To me, it means I need to live MY life to the fullest. . I need to “BE” NO ONE else but ME. I will not spend it trying to emulate others because of “trends”. I need to “BE” all I can or rather not exist. Life is a precious gift that was not meant to be wasted and being anything less than MYSELF would be a tragedy. I am ME and that’s the best person I could ever be.

6. If you could go back in time, where would you go? And why?

I would like to go to the 1995 Rugby World Cup match in South Africa, I’m not a big Rugby fan (I don’t understand the rules etc of the game) but that was an amazing moment in South African history. That was the moment when a nation truly became united regardless of colour.

7. If you could undo one thing from your past, what would it be?

I wouldn’t undo anything (except maybe letting my mother see that love bite by accident – VERY awkward explanation). Everything that has happened to me has made me who I am. It’s made me stronger and wiser ( MUCH wiser) and I doubt i’d survive without the knowledge I’d gained from it all.

8. What’s your favorite color and why?

I like black but technically black isn’t a colour, so all colours I suppose. I like the colour black simply because it goes with EVERYTHING (In terms of clothing) but otherwise anything moderately vibrant and upbeat but then again it is all dependent on my mood.

9. They say you can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep. What is one attribute about your best friend or spouse that is most similar to you?

There is no one attribute. My best friend could be my twin, if it wasn’t for the fact she is older and well, white. It’s actually scary how alike we are. We also balance each other out, when she’s feeling insane, I’m the sane one. When I feel depro, she is the bundle if happiness I need and vice versa. We can act like meerkats while guy spotting and just mention one thing (ie. Blue shirt, my left etc) and we’ll know exactly who the other is talking about.

10. If you could have one power in the world what would it be and why?

I would want to be able to shape shift into ANYTHING because there would be nothing more badass than shifting into a fire breathing dragon, with poisonous claws and a wickedly spiked tail, to scare the shit outta the asshole who is bugging you or your friend. Also it would be SUPER epic to shift into any animal (except insects, I have this tendency to freak out when i’m around insects or well when they are around me .. if I could climb walls I would, ANYTHING to get away).

And last but not least

11. Imagine one loving message you could give to the world, right now. What would it be?

Life is unpredictable and it will throw things at you (literally and figuratively), things that you’d wish you never had the misfortune to encounter but it will make you stronger and wiser, but without love and friendship, strength and wisdom will mean nothing. It will amount to nothing.
Be strong, be wise but most of all be the person that can say without a doubt, “I have love in my life” , be it the love of friends or a loved one.

I would just like to thank Jae Lei Night for tagging me in this game. It is an honour in a way, and it’s also one of those “YAY! I’m part of something ‘More’” moments.

My 11 questions.

1. If you could be anyone who would you be and why?
2. What would you do if you had 1 million (of whatever currency it is you have in your country)?
3. List 5 things about you that very few people know.
4. What is one of your fondest memories?
5. What made you decide to blog?
6. What are (were) your dreams and goals for your future?
7. If you could be any animal, what would you be any why?
8. What qualities do you look for in friends?
9. What do you think is your main “fault”? (ie. I’m too trusting)
10. If you travel into the future, what would you do?
11. Why do you blog about the topics you blog about?

My 11 People

1. Literally Laurie 
2. Project Bass
3. Just Dan93
4. Tebogo Ndlovu
5. Christine
6. Organised Chaos
7. Coco J Ginger
8. I am Gerry
9. Arlen Shahverdyan
10. Parasharstales
11. Memoirs of a Dragon

Please remember that you are not obligated in any way to answer and actually continue said blog tagging. No one is going to haunt you for not continuing, you will not have 7 years bad luck nor will you wake up to see the chick from “The Ring” staring at you. NOTHING bad is going to happen to you if you don’t continue (I’m seriously still waiting to die from all the other things I never passed on – I wonder what will get to me first … The chick from “The Ring” or all the bad luck I’ve accumulated )

Have fun and enjoy it 🙂
If you have any more questions for me, please don’t hesitate to ask