Lost

Thunderous echos within
Fading; A staccato rhythm to it’s beat.

A little girl; lost within the ashen chambers,
of a palace once rose red and filled with hope.

Lost

Forgiven but never forgotten,
her past transgressions torment her

Lost within the woman she is yet to become,
she curls up in a corner;
clutching a ratty blanket of memories to her form.

A mediocre form of protection.

Anything to keep warm,
Anything to keep safe,
from the bitter coldness that now torments her every waking moment,
from the demons that now plague her soul.

The bitter coldness, that causes the adolescent that she is still is;
to teeter..
on the edge of madness,
to spread her arms open in jubilation..
to welcome the darkness within

So cold.
So very cold.

Lost within the child she has now become,
the woman clings to her sanity
and her childlike innocence..

Her belief in the promise of tomorrow;
A beacon that lights her way, pulling her away from the edge.

Still,
She stumbles and falls; succumbing to the little broken girl inside of her.
Tears falling; bright red against the stark whiteness of her surroundings.

A rose red; the same colour that her now ashen palace of dreams, once was.

Advertisements

Heartbreak hotel

So I’ve tried and failed for more than a week to get over him but I can’t. I know I’m not in the wrong, that I had done nothing wrong but it hurt that he gave up on me without even telling me why.

I fell inlove with him. I was completely enamored and besotted with him. Smitten.

And I thought he might have felt the same , not that I told him but I thought he knew and with the ever blind faith and loyalty of a dog to its owner, I remain loyal to him.

I think what scares me most about this though,

Is the fact I wasn’t good enough for him.

It makes me question myself in ways I never have before, it created this self doubt that I’m not pretty enough, smart enough, sexual enough, athletic enough, that I’m maybe too much of some things and too little of others.

With him I had felt perfect and now I feel like I’ll never be good enough for anyone. Like to be accepted for me I must change who and what I am to be the “me” guys want.

I hardly eat anymore. I supplement my diet mostly with soda’s and water, which I suppose helps with the tears.

I just wish I knew why I was shut out and I know I’ll never be worth the answer.

Not to him at least.

“If “Happy Ever After” did exist,
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairy tales are full of shit
One more fucking love song, I’ll be sick.

Oh, you turned your back on tomorrow
‘Cause you forgot yesterday.
I gave you my love to borrow,
But you just gave it away.

You can’t expect me to be fine,
I don’t expect you to care
I know I’ve said it before,
But all of our bridges burned down

I’ve wasted my nights,
You turned out the lights
Now I’m paralyzed,
Still stuck in that time,
When we called it love,
But even the sun sets in paradise” – Payphone ; Maroon 5

Everytime I listen to this song I feel it, I see him. Places, conversations the most menial / mundane task or thing reminds me of him.

It’s like I’m being told to never forget. I don’t know what I did to deserve this , as they say “karma is a bitch” , I just hope that whatever I did, was something “worthwhile” because I just lost my heart.

I can only hope that I can move on but I do know I’ll never trust someone with my heart and spirit so easily ever again.

So I thank him for that lesson learnt.

“No more tears, my heart is dry
I don’t laugh and I don’t cry
I don’t think about you all the time
But when I do – I wonder why” – The Reckoning Song ; Asaf Avidan

To the greatest “Ma” ever

Happy Birthday to the greatest gran ever..

A photo taken on my 1st birthday .. Posted 18 years later on her birthday.. (And I know how much she hated having her picture taken)
6 years later and I still miss you every day.
I remember how I used to hate it when you would plait my hair but I knew it was for my own good.
I remember how we used to watch Charlie Chaplin movies together late at night.
I remember how you spoiled me rotten and let me drink ( well lap ) my tea out of a saucer when it was too hot for me to drink.
How you would laugh when my aunts would make me eat my veg.
How proud you were on Sundays when I was dressed like a little princess each Sunday for church.
How you would argue with Aunties when it was past my bedtime on a Sunday night, so we could watch Walker Texas Ranger together.
How I would lie behind your back each night after saying my nightly prayers.
How you would help me remember the words when I had forgotten or stumbled along the way.
I remember how you called my germs, Jams when I had the flu once.
I remember how we used to watch SABC 2 every weekday, regular as clockwork at 10am during the December holidays for the kiddies movies they played, even though we’d seen them a million times.
I remember how you used to shout at the TV when some character was being stupid.
I don’t remember it but I was told I even found your bottle of expensive Red Door perfume when I was little and smothered myself and your room in the scent.
I remember helping you when you needed it.
I remember you chuckling to yourself when Aunty Sheryl put my tiny self on the counter that looked like it was a million miles from the floor ( so I wouldn’t get off) to make me learn the months of the year.
I remember how proud you were of me and I can only hope that I follow along a path in this life, that would still make you proud of me, that would make you look down from above and smile.

I wish you were there for my matric dance, I wish you were there when I   needed guidance and prayers for my fears concerning my matric finals, I wish you had been there when I had finished my matric exams and passed. I wish you could’ve been there when I got my university acceptance letter. I wish you could be here now.

I will miss having you at my wedding one day. I will miss so many moments with you but I can only be grateful that I actually had a chance to have  and share some moments with you.

You were my guidance and counsel, you were like another mother to me. You were an integral part of my upbringing and one of the main reasons I am the way I am and I could never thank you enough for that.

I miss you ma, more than words could ever say,
and don’t worry ma.. I haven’t forgotten my promise to you.

I will look after my aunts, and I will do my utmost to make you proud of me.

Your Curse

Broken

Bitter

An acrid taste fills my mouth at the merest thought of you.

An inane urge to be sick occupies the movie reel in my mind.

The reel broadcasting memories, laughter, hurt and most of all bitterness

You would like that, wouldn’t you?

Watching me become sickened at the mere thought of you.

Watching me fight my inner impulses.

Watching the hatred set my eyes ablaze but also a dull flicker in the darkness of my eyes revealing  my fear at the knowledge you hold.

The knowledge to hurt me in so many ways.

You’ve forgotten dearest, I hold the same knowledge,

The same knowledge that could tear apart your supposedly perfect world.

The same knowledge that could shatter your precious life as you know it.

The same knowledge but somehow the knowledge I hold, has more power than yours.

Is it not ironic?

The same knowledge we share could hurt you much more than it could ever begin to hurt me?

Yes, I may be plagued with bitter memories, at the merest thought of you, but I will not spend my life dwelling on such an abysmal waste of life such as yourself.

Enjoy your life as short as it may be all the best to you and your family.

Open your mouth and I’ll open mine.

Keep your secrets and I’ll keep mine.

You had your chance.

The deed is done.

Your only choice is to run.

I’ll see you one day in the bowels of the earth,

I cannot wait, for that’ll be your curse.

Bitter

I’m rather resourceful when I need to be, and I know it. But you never knew me well enough to know it as well.

You lied.

You took me for a fool.

You fed me pretty little words and I? being the delusional fool, took to them as a bird to the wind.

And I can’t believe I’m still wasting tears on a jerk such as yourself.

I can’t believe I wasted emotion on a cretin such as yourself.

You’re definitely “scum of the earth” but you just hid it better than most.

You say you serve a higher cause but you only serve your own selfish needs.

Worst of all? You’re my own dirty little secret and you made me yours.

The wheel turns and some things are better left unsaid.

But I hope I’ll get the chance to watch your pathetic ass squirm when YOUR world comes crashing down.

I hope you’ll send me a post card from hell 🙂

ArriverderLa

A white rose

What if you were my one?
What if you were my all?
What if that day we never fought?
What if we had never said those unforgiving words?
What if. . .

Would you be here next to me?
Would I find you curled up next to me as the suns first rays shone lightly through our window. . .

If only. . .
If only he was not drunk. . .
If only I had not forced you to say those words. .
If only I had trusted you! . . .

Now here I stand before you.
With a white rose. . .
stained crimson,
among the dozen black roses.
Held tight in blood covered hands of mine.
I fall. . .
Down to the ground,
Next to you…

*********************************************************************************

“Harsh words may lead to our self destruction. . .

Hasty actions; Will lead to our demise. . .

Parted in life; Now forever joined in death. .”
A white rose shall forever remain in memory of the lost lovers

Tell Me

Tell me
How do I go on?
Go on, knowing he’ll never be around me again.
And I can never again touch him in that way where everything seemed to melt away.

Tell me
How do I love again?
For he has the possession of my heart.

Tell me
How do I go on, when he finds another?
Let the pain engulf me and the loneliness of a life in solitude surround me.

Let me become numb,
Let me dance with steel,
Play with fire,
Gamble with pills,
Free fall off of skyscrapers
And be blissfully numb to it all.

I thought we would last forever,
He was my life and he said I was his,
Yet here I am,
But where is he?

It was over before it began.
A forever never meant to last.