Lost

Thunderous echos within
Fading; A staccato rhythm to it’s beat.

A little girl; lost within the ashen chambers,
of a palace once rose red and filled with hope.

Lost

Forgiven but never forgotten,
her past transgressions torment her

Lost within the woman she is yet to become,
she curls up in a corner;
clutching a ratty blanket of memories to her form.

A mediocre form of protection.

Anything to keep warm,
Anything to keep safe,
from the bitter coldness that now torments her every waking moment,
from the demons that now plague her soul.

The bitter coldness, that causes the adolescent that she is still is;
to teeter..
on the edge of madness,
to spread her arms open in jubilation..
to welcome the darkness within

So cold.
So very cold.

Lost within the child she has now become,
the woman clings to her sanity
and her childlike innocence..

Her belief in the promise of tomorrow;
A beacon that lights her way, pulling her away from the edge.

Still,
She stumbles and falls; succumbing to the little broken girl inside of her.
Tears falling; bright red against the stark whiteness of her surroundings.

A rose red; the same colour that her now ashen palace of dreams, once was.

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Second Semester Blues

Second semester blues

Well, second semester has started and I DID promise to keep you updated but well, it’s been hard.
So it’s the second week back and the workload is INSANE !!

*Mandarin assignment due on *Thursday (with a follow up type thing due Monday – i.e. next assignment)
*Spanish assignment due Friday ( 150 gorgeous words about going to the doctor x_x)
*French assignment due Friday ( 200 not so gorgeous words regarding a place etc you’d like to visit – basically a travel brochure type thing)

And as for Italian, I’m not entirely sure exactly what they’ve got going on just yet

I seriously need some help or extra tuition better yet, I need to be in direct contact with native speakers of each language. My best friend has also recreated my timetable about 3 or 4 times (and as much as I love her to bits ),she is as anal about study timetables as I am about my study books; if it’s not perfect do it again and again and again …

AND!! On this rainy morbidly depressing Tuesday I’ve realized how awkward I’ve made things for myself.
Especially in terms of one specific guy. The thing about an FWB situation (Friend with benefits) is that NO feelings should be involved. At first I was totally chilled with that, bad break up and if you throw in falling for a douchebag, it all kinda put me off of relationships… BUT! I think I was retarded (or human – whichever) enough to find some way of getting my feelings involved.

Bad thing about that? I tend to be one of those naturally possessive types (We all have those natural instincts to fight/protect that which we deem to be ours – and NO stalking your ex and making sure he/she can’t find someone else is not protecting nor is totally uncalled for jealous hissy fits) and I tend to also get a touch jealous (not enough to go bat shit crazy on the guy; especially if he isn’t the one who initiated the flirtation – and I like to think I can trust the guy I date) especially if I’m not actually IN a relationship with fore mentioned FWB. This is kinda when all these little insecurities I have pop up and I start acting like a total dork.

*I pretend I don’t see him
*I pretend I can’t hear him
*I get “Parry” over little things like a stilted hi-bye conversation
*I over-analyse when there’s nothing to analyse

AND

* I run and hide like a retard attempting to put as much distance between him and myself as possible on a campus such as ours (It’s big but it doesn’t feel big enough especially at times like this)

ALSO!

I should NEVER EVER EVERR IM message people on applications such as Whats App when I’m sleepy. I tend to be brutally honest about any and everything (and I mean EVERYTHING – and trust me it gets awkward)
Worst of all? My wonderful cell phone ( A Blackberry ) has a great dislike for Whats App messages and deletes them .. so I have no record of said conversation (except for a few messages right at the end of said convo that I’ll read when I wake up). Best part? I’ll get the same messages at some random time at a later stage when I reboot my phone.

So far I think I have

*Admitted to liking a friend (he doesn’t believe me though, thankfully)
*Made come-ons to said friend
*There has probably some form of those R rated convo’s but in terms of describing what I have/haven’t done or what I would or would not do
*I might have admitted to some things I would never normally admit. (but let’s not go there)

Anyhow! Besides all of that nonsense in my life…

Something has felt “off” , it’s like an inescapable sense of loneliness that seems to shadow my every move, especially when I’m “alone” ( It’s hard to actually BE alone on campus, there is usually ALWAYS someone around :/ even in the bathrooms) and yes perhaps I’m being a tad emo but hey! I’m cold and wet (well I was cold and wet when I first wrote this blog earlier – I had walked up to upper campus in the rain like a fool) and I think the FWB thing might have triggered it or even seeing other couples on campus.

Yes, I have my best friend who I love to bits and yes I have my wabsy who I love unconditionally and I know who loves me too (He said he’d stop loving me the day his heart stopped beating ) but I know it’ll never be more than that. I’d die for Nuky but I don’t want to have kids with her , same with wabsy. I love them in a way that cannot be defined but deep down I want a partner to love (and yes, I remember the resolution I made, but im looking not touching – although sometimes I wish I could touch… BADLY)

Why is the quest for love such a hard one? Is it because everyone uses those three little words as if it were condoms(Not that many use condoms – look at the size of our population on this teeny “but not so tiny” tiny planet of ours). Is it because they think they’ll have a “free pass” for sex? (Some only say the words to get laid – my advice? “If you want to get laid, crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait” <– best line I’d heard).
I know nothing good in life comes easy but god, give a girl a break would you??
It’s not easy to do this type of thing alone
But then again, who really knows? Life is unexpected like that.

Anyway, I’d better stop rambling and start paying attention in class..
It’s easy to get lost while learning mandarin.. WAAAAAY too many characters ( And yes, I only posted this now but I wrote it on paper during class because whipping out my little laptop to type furiously during class would not have gone down well – at least by writing it, it looked like I was taking notes).

Zaijian
Hasta Luego
Ciao
Au revoir!

More at a later stage, I need to stop procrastinating and actually do my assignments.

How do you ..

How do you fill that void inside yourself?
That inescapable sense of loss and despair?
That abysmal space inside your self, gaping like an open wound..

Festering..

How do you ease that ever present sense of loneliness?
Do you cover it with a fake smile?
Do you laugh and jest with others all the time?
Do you allow your supposed “love” life to become a revolving door of partners?
What can one do..
How can one stop it..

What a wonderful waste of oneself…

Writing eases the Ache

The weird thing I re-discovered a moment ago. I always knew to be true…
But I never experienced it again until a few minutes ago…
They say writing down what you feel helps.
That it clears your mind…
Calms you…
Soothes you…

It is actually true.

The meltdown of a few minutes ago feels miles away…
What you write is not important.
As long as it is what you feel.
As long as it is what needs to be said.
Even though someone might not read it; Even if they do.
They cannot change the way you feel.

Like I had said before

“The written word cannot be tarnished,
Except by the man who wrote it and by
The man who comprehends its meaning but;
Meaning is lost over time…
And time is lost over meaning… ”

Weird huh?

Hardly anyone in this world shows they care, but I do.
I show it with every fibre of my being.
I love unconditionally.
I pour heart and soul into it.
I carry their burdens as my own.
I comfort them

But

No one does it for me.

I am completely confused.
Helping or loving people is not meant to change me.
I am meant to stay the same.
It is not meant to make me aggressive or depressed, but lately it has begun to do so.
I am aggravated easily now and filled with more despair than usual.

The solution I was given.

“Stop making other peoples shit your own. They aren’t sheep”

Great solution but the thing is, sheep do not try and commit suicide.
Humans decide when they must die.
Sheep do not use you for comfort and discard you as easily as a broken toy
Most humans however have no compunction in terms of “Use em and lose em”
So does not helping a person mean I am deciding to let them die? Am I cruel enough to do that?
So does giving all of myself to one that cannot treat me right mean I am stupid? Am I?

No…

And I never will be. However weak it may seem, helping people is as much a part of my life as poetry.
Falling for the wrong guy is part of growing up into the woman I am destined to become, no matter how many frogs there are.

I just need to learn to let go…
Letting go is the key to taming the inner rage…
Letting go is the key to finding myself before I find a partner.
Letting it wash away…

Thank you “S”…
Thank you very very much…

I am so sick of feeling lonely.

I am so sick of feeling lonely.

I am sick of pulling the wrong people closer and the right ones away.

I am sick of indulging in romance novel so I can pretend that one day I will meet my price charming,

I have met too many frogs so far in this short little life of mine to have any other opinion and I honestly doubt I would be lucky enough to find my prince charming considering my current restrictions ( refer to “No Material Possession” )

I hate this bleak feeling I have when I go sleep each morning after a night spent with my studies or reading a romance novel.

I hate this lethargic feeling when I wake up each afternoon;

As if my life has become a seemingly dull and endlessly repetitive cycle that I cannot seem to escape from.

I mean in the beginning of the year I had met and fallen for a guy that basically used me and then discarded me until he felt like he needed a toy again, I do not deserve that. No woman with any self respect does but I sometimes long for those moments where I felt wanted beyond measure.

Happy

Carefree

As if I did not have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders alone anymore and I had someone to help me when I had fallen, someone who would not take my burden just someone who would be there without question if I needed him to help me up and maybe even share it as in turn would share his.

Sometimes I think I just need someone to love and someone who would love me

Unconditionally

But in our society unconditional love is a rarity, heck I mainly feel unconditional love for my dogs (and my two aunts and best friends but that is beside the point).

Sometimes (like with the guy mentioned earlier on in piece) we need to realize what we deserve and we need that more than what we what; because when are patient enough to wait for what we deserve we ultimately get what we what as well.

Life? She is funny is she not?

Favouring only the select few  but that is a story for another day

Laughter of a breaking mind…

Laughter of a breaking mind…
Screeching…
Tormented…
Plagued in dreams of visions past.
A forever never meant to last.
Childlike encounters sketched into being.
Adult encounters etched into shards of a soul.
Lost. Alone.
The being reflected is not me.
The mirror deceives.
The eye perceives.
Locked deep within,
The forsaken child.
Holding the tattered heart,
Cradling the tiny flame of hope
For a new start.
The light begins to fade within.
The eyes are bleak.
A soul is silenced.
Struggling to repress the inner violence