Is there a point, where the pain becomes too much?

Is this when you reach for that first bottle of jack hoping he’ll be a good friend and you won’t remember anything.
Hoping he’ll numb you to the sensation of having your soul stripped off, lash by lash by each emotional whipping you receive.

Is this the point where you stop taking it like a cowering dog and do your own thing, numbing yourself inside and out to avoid the bitter disappointment, all with the help of good ol’Jack?

Does Jack help you forget the first time you kissed? The 14th of January

Does Jack help you forget the intensity that flared between you? The 3rd of March

Does Jack remind you of all the good times, the laughs, the stolen kisses on starry nights or does Jack bring back memories of being taken for granted and all the tears, sleepless nights and feelings of inadequacy.

Does Jack remind you that you’re not enough?

You’re not skinny enough

You’re not pretty enough

You’re not religious enough

You’re too loud and abrasive

You’re too friendly with guys

You don’t deserve it

You never did

All you deserved was the torment you received when you were younger, a continuous cycle of hell.

You deserved it then.

You asked for it then.

You deserve this now too

Does Jack finally, slowly, take everything away, until all you see is darkness or does jack slowly numb your senses to the point where you only come awake upon impact? Perhaps not even then, because perhaps Jack did his job right this time and you’ve gotten your wish.

Your life and others destroyed, because you had to numb yourself from the constant screams of agony at each lashing.

How do you save yourself from drowning in a bottle? Even though you know the answer won’t be there, do you still try to find it there?

How do you numb yourself?

How do you find yourself again?

How do you live a lie again?


Just a lil rage in the month of love

I’m sorry! I know it’s been awhile and I’ve been meaning to post ASAP ! But a lot has happened the past month or so ( my birthday, the Swedish house mafia concert, starting uni again etc )

but for now..
I feel I need to rant just a little first.. ( before I kill an unsuspecting – well, im sure he expects it now- idiot )


And here’s why ..
Ps: this is the same idiot from the boys will be boys post.

2/15/2013 20:07: Nightshadehunter: Nice pic btw
2/15/2013 21:05: The Idiot: Thanks, can’t talk now. Sorry :).
2/17/2013 20:43: The Idiot: I wanna kiss you.
2/17/2013 20:50: Nightshadehunter: How drunk are you?
2/17/2013 20:51: Nightshadehunter: We barely speak the past week or so
2/17/2013 20:51: Nightshadehunter: And now this?
2/17/2013 20:54: The Idiot: That hurts, and I’m not drunk.
2/17/2013 20:54: Nightshadehunter: Uhm so why do you want to kiss me now all of a sudden?
2/17/2013 20:56: The Idiot: So I’m not allowed to want to kiss you?
2/17/2013 21:09: Nightshadehunter: No.. Cause when I admitted to you ( after your 21st if I might not add – which was a few weeks ago ) that I my only regret was NOT kissing you, you told me it was for the best
2/17/2013 21:10: Nightshadehunter: Because you liked someone else and shit with me would be too complicated
2/17/2013 21:10: Nightshadehunter: Based on a fact you never thought to enlighten me on ( your fears ) whatever. FINE
2/17/2013 21:10: Nightshadehunter: Then
2/17/2013 21:11: Nightshadehunter: When I attempted normal friendly banter afterwards you shut me out?
2/17/2013 21:11: The Idiot: Done?
2/17/2013 21:12: Nightshadehunter: Mildly irked
2/17/2013 21:12: Nightshadehunter: But done
2/17/2013 21:13: The Idiot: Lol okay firstly I’m sorry if you feel I’ve been ignoring you but when you message me it is at awkward times.
2/17/2013 21:13: The Idiot: Secondly I lied about liking another girl I did still like you but I had to tell you something to turn you off.
2/17/2013 21:15: The Idiot: Finally when I said “I wanna kiss you” it was based on a dare from a friend.
2/17/2013 21:15: The Idiot: Which was insensitive so I apologize.
2/17/2013 21:15: The Idiot: I am sorry.
2/17/2013 21:16: Nightshadehunter: You said that based on a dare
2/17/2013 21:16: The Idiot: Pretty much.
2/17/2013 21:17: Nightshadehunter: So after basically fucking begging me to date you for a few months last year. I relent and admit to liking you and you felt the need to “turn me off” ?
2/17/2013 21:18: Nightshadehunter: 🙂 okay then ”

Just note exactly how many days later the ass responds, and the first thing he says is ” I wanna kiss you”

Really now? What does this fool take me for?
Do I not have feelings?
Should my emotions not be respected after he TOLD me there was someone else and I had enough faith in him to believe him and I left shit be?

All I’d love to do right now is chuck a brick or something at his head.

Ooh I just got his reasoning for not wanting to date me.
While on our date I mentioned that my dad had a gun, and that freaked the poor soul out apparently.
However, a different guy came to my house on a Sunday ( which happens to be a day where the family tends to congregate at my home ) to take me to the cinema, he met not only my dad and most of my family but was told by my father that my father would kill him if he touched me. He still asked me out again after that.

The idiot , only met my mother and she was moderately well behaved ( considering she is an irrepressible joker and doesn’t know when to draw the line – my dad was in china )

Honestly I can only hope, that the BOYS who act this way, will one day have daughters, and I can only hope that no ass does to their daughters, what they were willing to do to other girls when they were young.

I also KNOW there are girls out there who do the exact same to guys ( and yes, I’d love to chuck a brick or something at them too ), and I can only hope their sons aren’t toyed about with in the same manner simply because no one deserves to be toyed with.

Although it’s a different story once you involve kin now isn’t it ?
Once you involve a loved one ?
Someone you care about …
Like a younger sister or brother…
Like a cousin…
Like a best friend…

Think about it
Remember it
And then remember to think before you toy with someone else’s feelings

Boys will be boys

So the other day I attended the 21st celebrations of a university friend, and honestly it was an amazing night. I saw a different side to a guy that I at first Was determined not to like ( simply because he was persistently pesky -but in a fun way- also there was the issue with the asswipe from the previous posts)

Eventually I went on a date to Kirstenbosch Gardens with this guy, determined to give him a chance ( new year, new beginnings and all that) and I found myself liking him a little more.

The 21st was a bit of a nightmare at first, the decorations were perfectly classy and slightly quirky ( which is just how he is – it was a black and white themed evening , in true Sir style) and the venue was a dream but not being the friendliest person at times and knowing only the birthday boy himself ( and the classmate who introduced us) I felt like I’d gone off the deep end.

Throughout the night I made some new friends, as well as befriending his equally as persistent cousin who seemed determined to get us ( birthday boy and myself) together. Fed up , slightly exasperated and quite embarrassed ( I AM a little shy you see) I asked why me? Wasn’t there another girl who he wasn’t related to? And she replied that’s got nothing to do with it,you’re the prettiest one here.

I think at that moment I might’ve died on the spot ( had dying at a compliment not been even more embarrassing) , I mean I know I brush up well but I didn’t know I did it THAT well, I found myself considering what she and his other friend were saying ( the other friend mentioned how the birthday boy only invited a select few people to his celebrations etc etc)

As mentioned before at the 21st I saw a different side to him; a humorous , witty, slightly sarcastic side I found myself liking.

The following day ( today) when I mentioned to him my only regret was not kissing him… After a drawn out process where I demanded answers and he answered he replied,

“We’re good as just friends so let’s not complicate it. Plus I have feelings for someone else.”

Excuse me? So why ask me out?

Because it was only a mild crush a week ago and he had thought nothing of it.

The bitch in me, doesn’t care .
She’s simply annoyed that he wasted her time,
But the girl, she’s unsure of how to feel.

I mean you finally start to feel something for someone, genuine feelings and you get shot down when you express a desire to try.

I guess when a guy gets what he wants; be it a date, a kiss or even sex.
He doesn’t feel the need to care anymore. It really is more about the thrill of the chase than anything else. I say this because in that same week ago he developed this mild crush on an unknown girl, he was still explaining to me why we’d make an okay if not good couple.

All I can say?
There are about 360 days left to this year,
Things might not have worked out with this guy but maybe it’ll work out with the next guy brave enough to try.

Boys will be boys, but a real man won’t waste a woman’s time.

Tupperware party for your “pantry”

Disclaimer : The content of this post may offend younger/ sensitive readers. It is sexual in nature and I will not be held liable if you continue to read the content of this post.


So today in class a friend brought along a catalogue for the more kinkier things in this life. A nicer way of saying it would be to say we had a “Tupperware Party”, so on the off chance I ever mention going to a Tupperware party always ask if it’s a tupperware Tupperware party or a “TUPPERWARE Tupperware ” party ( yes, there’s a difference )

I licked lube today and I liked it ( yes read that again cause i did) and I’m not ashamed to admit it ( admittedly I won’t be telling my parents that), during the period before my Italian lecture. XD

It was this heating lube that heated up the more you rubbed it ( friction is good apparently) and when you blew on it, dios mio! Way to start a party in your pants( in normal circumstances ). Even the taste is fantastic , seriously who doesn’t love strawberries and cream???

Okay, before you get your knickers/boxers in a bunch, I licked it off of my own hand so no “wet weather” occurred nor was it an orgy in class but seriously, I have an imagination just like everyone else does so I could imagine what it could do ( digging myself into a deeper hole here but hey, honesty counts)

My genius friend who brought it and a few other choice items to class to show us some of the products she is selling ( No vibes – seriously people,sharing is NOT caring in terms of vibes)

So besides the lube ( and trust me it gets really weird when people tell you to lick your hand and you KNOW you have lube on it and you think they’re taking you for an ass but you do it anyway and are mildly/pleasantly surprised by the taste before going to the bathroom to WASH your hands, nothing more than that), we tested out some other products including the most amazing little roll on bottle of pheromones ever!!!

It apparently helps you seem more attractive to members if the opposite sex( and those who bat for the same team) and surprise surprise it works.
It was tested on people( women) in retail/waitressing and they are more likely to make sales/be tipped more while wearing it, in comparison to those without it on.

I have this fruity/ floral scent ( that i personally think is amazing) while another friend smelt slightly exotic, like the perfect blend of the most expensive eastern spices. There were originally 4 girls in the class and 1 guy and we all tried it, but the guys smell was kind of muted but when we tried it on another male classmate his scent was AMAZING, the first guy couldn’t believe that all 4 girls reacted in such a way to the 2nd classmates scent ( and was a bit miffed – lol ) but he smelt amazing, it’s indescribable.

This stuff works better than axe( in my opinion) , then again at R260 per 10.2 ml bottle, it better work a lot better.

Something that bothers me though, is peoples reactions to sex stuff in general, dear god people it’s sex, it’s not going to kill you ( but what a way to go). Reactions range from amusement to disgust and I just don’t get it. Why be disgusted? Honestly the stork never brought you to your parents nor were you a “monkey on the mountain” or whatever else your parents may have told you.

The fact that sex toys and lubes etc exist should be a good thing and not something looked down upon, at the end of the day woman get as much pleasure from them as men do and there are probably more woman using toys than men. Although some men believe woman who use toys have higher expectations ( because c’mon a battery lasts kinda long in comparison ) but they’re man enough to accept it .

Just have fun ( and none of that “YOLO” crap ), be safe and be aware of what your actions are.

1 night in Cape Town

I think I fell in like,
After 1 night in Cape Town
I think I fell deeper
After 1 night and a coffee in Cape Town.

A darkened room
Music blaring
People dancing
Strangers staring

Just 1 night in Cape Town
That’s all we ever had
Just a 1 nighter in Cape Town
That’s all I’ll ever be

Pushed towards you
By friends I’ll never forget
For just 1 night
I’ll never regret

Just 1 night in Cape Town
Dancing together
Just 1 night in Cape Town
Singing to one another

Twisting and turning
It felt so right
Smiling up at you
The entire night

Just 1 night in Cape Town
You told me to never be lonely
Just 1 night in Cape Town
A million kisses to help me on my way

Flirtatious smiles
A girl embolden by liquid courage
Her looks not too innocent
Her touches meant to encourage

It took,
Just 1 night in Cape Town
For you to make me lose my mind
Just 1 night in Cape Town
To prove you’re one of a kind

Quirky lines
Visible on glowing screens
Lots of laughter
Behind the scenes

It took,
Just 1 night in Cape Town
To make me feel like I’ve never felt before
Just 1 night in Cape Town

Meaningless banter
Filled with meaning
A lightness within
I’m not used to feeling

Just 1 night in Cape Town
It’s all we’ll ever get
Just 1 night in Cape Town
A night I’ll never forget

Pissed off and Disappointed

I admit, I wrote this piece in quite a rage on Saturday night and I didn’t want to publish it as  post simply because it might or might not hurt the person in questions feelings but then again, my feelings deserve to be heard and acknowledge too and I won’t and can’t let this fester inside me anymore.

I’m not that mad anymore, merely disappointed and I know I would’ve understood a helluva lot more if I just got a simple message saying “Look, I can’t come sorry”

That’s all.

I’d like to hope things can be patched up, I mean I’m not the easiest friend to have but then again if it’s not….  To quote a very wise bear from one of his twitter tweetings,


@TedInRealLife :I’ve learned not to chase after anyone anymore. You want to walk out of my life? Go ahead, I’ll hold the door.


Wise words from a wise bear, don’t you think?



I’m  honestly just so pissed off right now I’m torn between crying and screaming.

There are things we do for friends or people we care about, but there are also things we do to and or for others. Common curtsey dictates that when I make plans for you to stay over almost TWO weeks in advance (and getting my dad to like one of my friends is a pain in the ass, so if he likes you then well DAMN) and you decide to go do whatever it is your doing without even a message, shows exactly what you think of me and yes, I may be freaking out about something “trivial” but when you know someone that always replies and you’re stuck watching time pass waiting for a reply, you obviously start to worry.

She was meant to arrive after 1, I messaged her at 12.30 no reply. I ask her brother where she is at 2 and she’s out shopping. My messages deliver in consecutive order as the hours pass by and I’m starting to freak the fuck out but no, no message not even a freaking facebook message. It’s almost 7pm and she finally messages me to let me know she’s home safe and sound after being out shopping.

Hello. If  I make plans with you don’t DARE cancel on me almost FIVE HOURS later! I could’ve spent my day doing something else instead of waiting for you! My mother wanted to go to a yearly church bazaar but no, my friend was coming so we had to wait. My mother never willingly baked for my other friends nor would she go out of her way to prep things for supper and take out meats etc for a awesome breakfast the next day.

Don’t dare give me any form of pathetic excuse for not even a single message. If you weren’t with someone who was either a) holding a gun to your head or b) attempting to commit suicide or even c) having a baby don’t dare not send a message. Heck I’d even understand if your other friend got dumped and needed retail therapy don’t NOT say a single word to me until the sun has already set.

I actually like to think I CARE about my friends so don’t EVER think to call yourself my friend if you didn’t even have the decency to let me know you won’t be coming over.

I think I’m honestly more disappointed than anything else and if you don’t want to spend time with me, say so because quite frankly I refuse to let you or anyone else turn me into one of those typically pathetic kids we see on American TV shows, you know which ones I’m talking about, the loser waiting for her classmates to come over for a party but no-one shows up? Yeah that’s not me nor will it ever be me.

Sad realization is that I think I was turned into that pathetic kid on TV. Subconsciously I had relegated myself to that role and the person who would normally never disappoint me, was the cool kid who never showed up.

Thanks for that feeling.

It means a lot to me, especially knowing how expendable my feelings and time is in your little world.


As you can see, I was pissed of beyond belief but I think I’m okay now that it’s off my chest.

How you react, well …

That’s your choice.





I’m going to drown myself

I’m going to drown myself in the sweet melodies of my music and pretend today never happened.

I’m going to close my colour blind eyes and open them again to see the world in technicolour.

I’m going to lose myself in the rhythm,beat, drum and bass.

I’m going to scream along to lyrics to feel anything but the disappointment I currently feel.

I’m going to pretend for one night, that I actually matter and that I’m the only one on this over populated planet of ours.

I’m going to deafen myself listening to dance,trance, metal, rap and even R&B and hip hop.

I’m going to do any and everything to drown out the feelings inside until all I feel is the music pulsing through my system, my heart rate and breathing in sync.

I’m going to deafen myself to the sounds of everyday life until all I can hear is the music within my soul.

Music also defines who I am and what I’m feeling
Better than words ever could


Music defines where I’m going.

Music defines where I’ve been.

Music defines what I’m feeling.

Music defines what I’m seeing.

Music defines me.

I don’t need a plant to get high,

Music is my drug and it’s one I’ll never stop taking.