Is there a point, where the pain becomes too much?

Is this when you reach for that first bottle of jack hoping he’ll be a good friend and you won’t remember anything.
Hoping he’ll numb you to the sensation of having your soul stripped off, lash by lash by each emotional whipping you receive.

Is this the point where you stop taking it like a cowering dog and do your own thing, numbing yourself inside and out to avoid the bitter disappointment, all with the help of good ol’Jack?

Does Jack help you forget the first time you kissed? The 14th of January

Does Jack help you forget the intensity that flared between you? The 3rd of March

Does Jack remind you of all the good times, the laughs, the stolen kisses on starry nights or does Jack bring back memories of being taken for granted and all the tears, sleepless nights and feelings of inadequacy.

Does Jack remind you that you’re not enough?

You’re not skinny enough

You’re not pretty enough

You’re not religious enough

You’re too loud and abrasive

You’re too friendly with guys

You don’t deserve it

You never did

All you deserved was the torment you received when you were younger, a continuous cycle of hell.

You deserved it then.

You asked for it then.

You deserve this now too

Does Jack finally, slowly, take everything away, until all you see is darkness or does jack slowly numb your senses to the point where you only come awake upon impact? Perhaps not even then, because perhaps Jack did his job right this time and you’ve gotten your wish.

Your life and others destroyed, because you had to numb yourself from the constant screams of agony at each lashing.

How do you save yourself from drowning in a bottle? Even though you know the answer won’t be there, do you still try to find it there?

How do you numb yourself?

How do you find yourself again?

How do you live a lie again?


Your Curse



An acrid taste fills my mouth at the merest thought of you.

An inane urge to be sick occupies the movie reel in my mind.

The reel broadcasting memories, laughter, hurt and most of all bitterness

You would like that, wouldn’t you?

Watching me become sickened at the mere thought of you.

Watching me fight my inner impulses.

Watching the hatred set my eyes ablaze but also a dull flicker in the darkness of my eyes revealing  my fear at the knowledge you hold.

The knowledge to hurt me in so many ways.

You’ve forgotten dearest, I hold the same knowledge,

The same knowledge that could tear apart your supposedly perfect world.

The same knowledge that could shatter your precious life as you know it.

The same knowledge but somehow the knowledge I hold, has more power than yours.

Is it not ironic?

The same knowledge we share could hurt you much more than it could ever begin to hurt me?

Yes, I may be plagued with bitter memories, at the merest thought of you, but I will not spend my life dwelling on such an abysmal waste of life such as yourself.

Enjoy your life as short as it may be all the best to you and your family.

Open your mouth and I’ll open mine.

Keep your secrets and I’ll keep mine.

You had your chance.

The deed is done.

Your only choice is to run.

I’ll see you one day in the bowels of the earth,

I cannot wait, for that’ll be your curse.


I’m rather resourceful when I need to be, and I know it. But you never knew me well enough to know it as well.

You lied.

You took me for a fool.

You fed me pretty little words and I? being the delusional fool, took to them as a bird to the wind.

And I can’t believe I’m still wasting tears on a jerk such as yourself.

I can’t believe I wasted emotion on a cretin such as yourself.

You’re definitely “scum of the earth” but you just hid it better than most.

You say you serve a higher cause but you only serve your own selfish needs.

Worst of all? You’re my own dirty little secret and you made me yours.

The wheel turns and some things are better left unsaid.

But I hope I’ll get the chance to watch your pathetic ass squirm when YOUR world comes crashing down.

I hope you’ll send me a post card from hell 🙂


A white rose

What if you were my one?
What if you were my all?
What if that day we never fought?
What if we had never said those unforgiving words?
What if. . .

Would you be here next to me?
Would I find you curled up next to me as the suns first rays shone lightly through our window. . .

If only. . .
If only he was not drunk. . .
If only I had not forced you to say those words. .
If only I had trusted you! . . .

Now here I stand before you.
With a white rose. . .
stained crimson,
among the dozen black roses.
Held tight in blood covered hands of mine.
I fall. . .
Down to the ground,
Next to you…


“Harsh words may lead to our self destruction. . .

Hasty actions; Will lead to our demise. . .

Parted in life; Now forever joined in death. .”
A white rose shall forever remain in memory of the lost lovers

I want too much..

All I want…
Is to be held and told I love you.
All I want…
Is to have someone who will comfort me when I wake up screaming in fear.
Someone who will hold me close and tell me,
“It’s ok… I am here”
All I want…
A man who will never leave me.
All I want…
Is to be safe in his arms…
All I want…
Is for him to love me.
All I want…
Is to never be without him…
To never be alone…
But I guess I want too much…
For in the end…
There is no one to hold me…
There is no comfort when tears slide down my cheeks after feeling demanding hands in my dreams…
There is one left to protect me
There is no one left to love me.
In the end…

I want too much…