Religiously Screwed

Am I even date-able? ,
I sometimes wonder to myself. Like seriously my home life is messed up .. Super over protective Muslim indian dad who only wants a muslim/indian boy for his “moekies” (yes, that’s what he calls me) and a coloured mother ( German /Filipino mix) who prefers white/christian males :/ Seriously? When did MY choices become that of my parents. My mother is still a Christian so she never converted to Islam and my father is still a Muslim who didn’t force her to convert. So I’m royally screwed in terms of religion.

I was raised by my mothers family, mostly shunned by my fathers family ( hence my mums family raising me) so I do lean towards one side more than the other but regardless of that I can’t choose either religion despite what people say. According to some, you are what your mother is and according to others you are what your father is.

So WTF am I?? I can’t choose either without offending the other parent. So I decided that I’d adopt whatever religion my future husband or whatever has and I admit, I’ve experimented with some religions.. Some more pagan than others but still. I’ve taken an agnostic view of this thing but there was a conversation I had with a friend that bugged me.

Today, we were in one of the buildings on campus, chilling on the stairs and talking (He had previously joked that next time he saw me he’d ask me out – He forgot XD) so I asked why he bothered coming to campus since he hardly goes to lectures and he replied he came to Uni to get a degree.. Lectures weren’t a necessity, being me, I asked so not even for the girls? And he replied in kind that he tried that as a first year and it didn’t work out so great, so now he’d rather go to “temple” ( He’s hindu) to meet girls, as they aren’t as distracted or busy at temple.
I admit, I laughed.

Later on we had a talk about him having forgotten to ask me out and in turn I replied that he shouldn’t ask me out and then I said something which kinda stuck with me, ” Go meet a nice, normal, religious girl at temple. It’s the safest thing to do”

Have I become so bad that I’ve gotten to the point of being that girl overly religious parents warn their sons about? Not by doing any dirty deed mind you but by simply not having one set faith?

What is the definition of “normal”? And why did I even set myself down like that in the first place?
Is it seriously all because of religious differences or differences within myself? Like a great divide which separates my brain from rational thought almost like a defence mechanism to protect me from being shunned further because of religion.

I’ve always wondered how awkward it must be to have to explain to parents exactly how you are, especially in terms of religion and religious ignorance is not bliss.

Even more so when the guy (who could be fanfreakingtasticly amazing for all I know) has an overly religious family.

I grew up in a situation like that and quite frankly, it sucked. There is no eloquent way to describe it. It just sucked. Always on the outside never quite sure if I belonged or not. This religious divide can seriously fuck a kid up and it did fuck me up and I guess because of it religion in general will always be a touchy, raw nerve kind of subject with me.

Where does one draw a line (if ever) in terms of religion and dating? Do you only date within a specific religious group? (Some people do – but what if you miss “The One” because of it? Settling sucks) Do you try and force them to accept your beliefs? What should one do?

Sad thing is .. No one really knows the answers to these questions because everyone’s life is different and I can only hope that one day I’ll be able to answer these questions.

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Chasing the illusion

What is happiness?

The Web definition of Happiness:
state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

And I’m not talking about that first taste of chocolate or that ice cream cone that made your day, nor am I talking about a hug or a smile from a friend or the completion of a task.

I’m talking about the happiness that can stem from another person into you. The happiness that is supposedly found in relationships. The happiness people long for and dream of once it’s gone; because they never realized its worth, until it isn’t there anymore.

I’m lonely, I’ll admit to it but I will never compromise my “search” for happiness for “instant gratification”.  My best friend had lectured me so severely one day, I had moaned about “needing” a man in my life to make me happy, I was told I didn’t need a man in my life to be happy and even if I had one, I needed to learn to be happy by myself first.

She was right, and I am. I’m happy on my own. Sure I’ll look at guys and dream but that’s just it – a DREAM.  I don’t feel the need or desire to chase this illusion of happiness that some seem to have found. I don’t find myself having those school girl crush moments anymore. It’s like I’ve become old before my time but I’m grateful because it’s given me wisdom which is more useful to me now, than in hindsight.

There are so many women who chase this illusion and to be honest, there’s nothing wrong with hoping and praying for a better and brighter tomorrow with someone by your side, I’ve done it often enough – and I sometimes STILL so it. It’s just when as a woman you start to believe you are fated to be unhappy, you start believing in all those silly online pictures and quotes from pre-pubescent teenagers who haven’t even lived for 2 decades or people long gone.

This would never be written by any boy; It was sent to me by a friend

Is it really worth it? Being in a relationship just for that rush of happiness you feel, a rush akin to that of an adrenaline junkie taking that first step into empty air, falling, a scream voiced from the very depths of your being torn away from you by the wind as you come closer and closer, at an alarming rate to the unforgiving harshness of still waters, just to be yanked back up again by the bungee cord. Is it really worth it?

Especially if you’re taking advice from someone telling you not to give all of you? Is that really an attempt at an everlasting happiness with another or only a way to ensure that something is bound to go wrong? Even if things go wrong eventually, you should be able to say, I TRIED, I PROMISE I didn’t attempt to sabotage it on purpose.

Wise words but are they conducive to finding happiness with another?

Is that when it becomes more about falling in happiness rather than actually being happy? The first few days or even weeks of any relationship are always the happiest. It’s the “honeymoon” phase and eventually, reality will set in. Sometimes it CAN and WILL last but other times, especially when it seems like all you’re after is the initial happy high, doubt (and paranoia)  sinks in and you refuse to get your heart involved, causing a bit of a traffic jam between your mind, heart and soul.

Is that when it becomes more about chasing the illusion of happiness rather than actual happiness? When you start to reminisce about a past in which you were happy, that’s when issues tend to arise because your present misery could never compete with your past, especially if all you recall are the happier moments and not what lead you to your current predicament. The only thing that could ever trump your past and present combined would be your future, which remains unwritten and can only be determined by you.

I’d rather wait for happiness or even work for it, for real eternal happiness, in the  oversized waiting room we call life than spend my time chasing a mere illusion until the doctor calls to tell me my time is at an end.

What is more important I wonder?

To BE happy Or To LIVE happily for a period of time?

Jack and Jill

As I sit here, snug and comfy as a bug, on this more than semi-depressing wet winter’s day in Cape Town, I think about two friends of mine.

This one girl, “Jill” and this guy called “Jack”

Albeit admittedly Jill had some sort of a small (or not so small) crush on Jack at the beginning of the year (YAY! First university crush). In a way, I thought he may have liked her too, but maybe I was reading all the wrong signals. He sat next to her (well, actually she had moved to sit next to him after he bugged her about it), they sat close together on near empty benches, her leg against his, he kept finding excuses to touch her (Nothing inappropriate) and she was cool with it, she was happy.

Next thing you know his cooler than a freaking cucumber and she’s invisible.

FINE

She’s moving on with her life but she was still left wondering WTF??

I’ve seen her crush so hard on him but he constantly falls for girls who don’t treat him right.

Anyway I’d begun to notice one thing about my male friend  … He’s always managed to crash and burn his heart. So I asked myself, why is it that some of the nicest guys I know, crash and burn their hearts over bitches that don’t deserve them?

What’s the point of it? Yeah guys complain about the friend zone but unsurprisingly enough, girls are stuck there too.

Realizing I’d never know the answer to this I asked Jack :

(I axed out most of the useless parts of this conversation on BBM, as well as just making the names easier to read – everything else still remains in context)

*********************************

Winterwolf: Is it just me or do you crash and burn your heart on a reg bases with (no offence) bitches who can’t treat you right?
Jack: Hahahaha. I don’t even know. My answer to that would be ‘No’. But who am I kidding?
Winterwolf: Why do you do it?
Jack: Do what? /:)
Winterwolf: Never mind
Jack: Nooo. Say!
Winterwolf: Crash and burn for bitches?
Jack: I wouldn’t really know how to explain it. I guess it’s just that I, of course, fall for them when I don’t know their whole persona.
Winterwolf:  And by then its too late and you can’t escape?
Jack: That’s the problem. By then, you’re stuck, wondering what you’ve done wrong, and trying to rectify your mistakes that you yourself know won’t work.
̊Winterwolf:  So what is it about these girls you fall for?  You know the chubacabra in disguise
Jack: Hahaha. I don’t know. I’m a guy – we fall for girls for different reasons. I don’t know.. Don’t like speaking about this type of stuff..
̊Winterwolf: Well, what do you like in a girl? (Besides her being a chupacabra in disguise)
Jack: Well, her personality. If I can be myself in front of her the first time I meet her, it’s generally something that would attract me slightly to her…
Winterwolf:  What else? Do looks, religion etc play a part?
Jack: Looks, yes. But religion is a definite factor – I prefer dating Hindu girls. Why ask you? If I may ask. Is it for your blog?

*********************************

And that was the end of that BBM conversation, he went to bed and I sat up to write this.

Hopefully Jill reads this and will understand. Yes religion does play a huge part in this but well, at least she knows and isn’t left in the dark by mixed signals.

The thing that bugs me is that it seems like this type of thing (not the religious bit but falling for the wrong people) has become a vicious cycle.

(Refer to that ever so beautiful picture below that my friend found somewhere online –Please don’t ask me where because I have no idea/ she might have made it herself, I’m not sure and she isn’t telling)

It’s quite sad that it is true.
Don’t you just hate the friendzone sometimes?

It becomes a viciously never ending cycle that seems to just emphasize the “fact” that nice guys finish last and the queen bitch (we normal girls would secretly  “Love” to be but loathe with a passion stronger than a guys love for his xbox/pc) will always get the guy that we secretly not so secretly want.

Ah well, I suppose that is the way things work in this world of ours.

In reality:

  • Prince Charming (aka the nice guy) won’t fall for Cinderella but rather one of her bitchy step sisters.
  • Aurora wont be kissed awake by a Prince but rather a douchebag who will inevitably regard her as a notch on his bedpost
  •  Snow white wont have her life saving kiss of true love and will probably be put in rehab for a drug overdose
  • “Red riding hood” might actually fall inlove with the wolf and then fall for a sparkly vampire and then cheat on said sparkly vampire because it’s hard to commit when he sparkles so prettily.
  • Shrek and Fiona start out okay together but then she becomes “human” again(aka comes to her “senses”)  and will totally fall for the douchebag prince.

Then again C’est la vie,this may be the way the world actually works but sometimes there are the rare exceptions, exceptions that, despite my cynicism, make me believe that anyone can find real love out there.

It makes me hope that I could find it too.

Who knows for sure? Because I certainly don’t.

The Mid-Year Resolution

I’m so sick of the douchebags.
I’m so sick of guys that are full of themselves, filled with the misguided notion and concept that they are men, when they are in-fact boys at best.

I’m sick of being treated like nothing.
I’m sick of being bothered by boys acting like assholes, especially if I harboured (Note: Past Tense) not so secret feelings for one of them but you know what?

I’m over it.
No more assholes.
No more being treated like dirt.
No more egos.
No more douchebags
And most importantly
NO MORE BOYS!

If I date again, I don’t want to date a boy.. I’d like someone I’d define as a man and yes that definition differs based on my personal opinion and taste but you know what, when I find the right man, I’ll let you know exactly what that definition is.
I’m not looking for “Mr Right” I’m looking for “Mr Right Now (who might stick around for awhile)”
I won’t say no to a spot of fun ( Dependent on who is asking )
Because I know what I’m worth and currently, this is not it

But for now..
I have my mid-year resolution..

NO MORE BOYS!

Who knows, I may even break this resolution for a boy that may fool me into thinking he’s a man.
Only time will tell..

C’est la vie 🙂

The “eX” Files: Part 2: You leaving your ex (or vice versa) and what’s next.

The “eX” Files

Yes, most of us know what it is like to have an ex and there are different parts to it I guess.

Part 2: You leaving your ex (or vice versa) and what is next.

Most relationships start out with couples being so “lovey dovey” the first month it actually makes me sick to look back and realize I was exactly the same.
It is all hearts and butterflies and probably cupids pooping rainbows.
It is also all over social networks like flies on shit.
When push comes to shove and as the months go by eventually (if you’re truly meant to be together this shouldn’t happen – but life, unfortunately is not a mills and boons romance novel, well not for the majority of the world anyway. There are those lucky few who manage to find true love) those rose tinted glasses that fogged up your view of what is actually going on begins to crack and you start seeing the person for who they really are and well just like there are relationships that end because your “significant” other left you, there are also relationships that you end.
Why you end it is solely dependent on you. Your needs, your desires and the things your partner cannot give you.

Sometimes it is about respect.
Either your partner does not respect you or vice versa
Sometimes it is about money.
Either your partner is not giving enough (you’re shallow if you believe that) or you’re giving too much (“Drop em like it’s hot” as Snoop Dogg would say)
Sometimes it is about sex.
Either your partner does not “put out” or demands too much when you’re not ready or he/she is a tad too “freaky” in the bedroom for your liking.

There are honestly so many different reasons why you and your seemingly “perfect” other half could split, I would never be able to list it all.

But

Sometimes we end a relationship and to save face we say it was a mutual agreement, sometimes it actually was one. Other times we lie and say we ended it, also to save face because who really wants to be the person people pity because he/she got duped and dumped and other times we’re honestly (Deep down) so glad it was ended by the other person just because people will think she/he is a bitch or a bastard for dumping you (FACT OF LIFE).

The main question for anyone newly out of a relationship is “What now?” especially if you are the one that was dumped.

First and foremost

1)
You need to realize that SHIT HAPPENS it’s part of life and life goes on, if you need more help than that rely on your friends and family members. They know you better than anyone else. If you need additional help I am willing to offer advice and a cyber shoulder to cry on (I’m nice like that) and if I can’t help you I would suggest a professional psychologist.

2)
DO NOT ever say or succumb to the “we can still be friends” line , the equivalent of that, as some wise person once said is – “We can still be friends” is like saying “Hey the dog died but we can keep it” –. Saying that line is just pure stupidity (depending on A) the type of break up AND b) the type of person) and could open up a whole can of worms you just do not want to go fishing with. Succumbing to that line is even worse, especially if you still harbour feelings for the person that said it, I can guarantee there is going to be a lot of pain involved in it for you

3)
The “Things”.During most relationships, items would be given to one another, be it letters or articles of clothing, photographs or even jewellery. What you do with it is up to you. Personally I’d give it back ( but since I didn’t have the guts to do it ) or you could box it up and put it in storage ( I did this ) or you could burn the lot in a bonfire and kiss those memories goodbye (many find this method brings them closure). Don’t be tacky and ask for jewellery back because honestly, what are you going to do with it? Giving it to someone else is NOT an option. EVER. However I suppose you could sell it but its still tacky.

4)
Do not succumb to the guy/ girl that seemingly latches onto you the minute they hear you’re single. It can only lead to disaster especially if that person had his/her chance BEFORE you found yourself in a relationship with your ex. Kindly but firmly tell them you need space because you need to get your life in order ( or be mean and tell them to Fuck off either way works)

5)
Have some tact when starting a new relationship (don’t flaunt it over social networks, it makes you look desperate for attention) wait for a decent period of time before SLOWLY integrating this other person onto your social networks, bear in mind that it is only if you feel the need to “stake your claim” and show the world you did better (don’t show the world if you dropped your standards – Seriously. DO NOT SHOW THE WORLD)

6)
Do not advertise your new relationship on social networks like it’s a new puppy or sports award. It is NOT going to end well if the relationship ends, however if you do feel the need to share it with the world ( I admit, I sometimes feel that need) then do it in a way that yeah your friends etc know but DO NOT EVER stoop to the level of slandering the other person if it ends. Facebook ex wars are fucken funny for those of us watching (reading) but can also be painful for the people involved especially if you share a group of friends.

7)
The “rebound” thing works perfectly, provided you’re not “rebounding” with someone that actually thinks it’s going to end up being a proper relationship. Make sure the rules are clear from the start. Sometimes you may even find that you have stronger than average feelings for your “rebound” and that’s okay. Just always make sure you’re on the same page with the person

8)
As much fun as it would be to make your ex jealous with your new partner it’s not always the way to go unless (forgive me I am but human and bear in mind, the little imp on my shoulder made me put this here) your ex was a complete dick-wad/bitch and you know for a fact your new partner can hold his/her own against them then by all means: GO FOR IT

And mostly importantly

9)
Take it slow. Don’t rush into anything just so you can forget.
Just be you. Its the most important thing you can do

There’s also so many different things you can do to move on with your life to find that special someone.
That someone that deserves and accepts you despite your quirks.

All I can say (as overused – and surprisingly full of historical meaning- as it may be) is,
“Keep calm and carry on”