Jack

Is there a point, where the pain becomes too much?

Is this when you reach for that first bottle of jack hoping he’ll be a good friend and you won’t remember anything.
Hoping he’ll numb you to the sensation of having your soul stripped off, lash by lash by each emotional whipping you receive.

Is this the point where you stop taking it like a cowering dog and do your own thing, numbing yourself inside and out to avoid the bitter disappointment, all with the help of good ol’Jack?

Does Jack help you forget the first time you kissed? The 14th of January

Does Jack help you forget the intensity that flared between you? The 3rd of March

Does Jack remind you of all the good times, the laughs, the stolen kisses on starry nights or does Jack bring back memories of being taken for granted and all the tears, sleepless nights and feelings of inadequacy.

Does Jack remind you that you’re not enough?

You’re not skinny enough

You’re not pretty enough

You’re not religious enough

You’re too loud and abrasive

You’re too friendly with guys

You don’t deserve it

You never did

All you deserved was the torment you received when you were younger, a continuous cycle of hell.

You deserved it then.

You asked for it then.

You deserve this now too

Does Jack finally, slowly, take everything away, until all you see is darkness or does jack slowly numb your senses to the point where you only come awake upon impact? Perhaps not even then, because perhaps Jack did his job right this time and you’ve gotten your wish.

Your life and others destroyed, because you had to numb yourself from the constant screams of agony at each lashing.

How do you save yourself from drowning in a bottle? Even though you know the answer won’t be there, do you still try to find it there?

How do you numb yourself?

How do you find yourself again?

How do you live a lie again?

Lost

Thunderous echos within
Fading; A staccato rhythm to it’s beat.

A little girl; lost within the ashen chambers,
of a palace once rose red and filled with hope.

Lost

Forgiven but never forgotten,
her past transgressions torment her

Lost within the woman she is yet to become,
she curls up in a corner;
clutching a ratty blanket of memories to her form.

A mediocre form of protection.

Anything to keep warm,
Anything to keep safe,
from the bitter coldness that now torments her every waking moment,
from the demons that now plague her soul.

The bitter coldness, that causes the adolescent that she is still is;
to teeter..
on the edge of madness,
to spread her arms open in jubilation..
to welcome the darkness within

So cold.
So very cold.

Lost within the child she has now become,
the woman clings to her sanity
and her childlike innocence..

Her belief in the promise of tomorrow;
A beacon that lights her way, pulling her away from the edge.

Still,
She stumbles and falls; succumbing to the little broken girl inside of her.
Tears falling; bright red against the stark whiteness of her surroundings.

A rose red; the same colour that her now ashen palace of dreams, once was.

Tupperware party for your “pantry”

Disclaimer : The content of this post may offend younger/ sensitive readers. It is sexual in nature and I will not be held liable if you continue to read the content of this post.

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So today in class a friend brought along a catalogue for the more kinkier things in this life. A nicer way of saying it would be to say we had a “Tupperware Party”, so on the off chance I ever mention going to a Tupperware party always ask if it’s a tupperware Tupperware party or a “TUPPERWARE Tupperware ” party ( yes, there’s a difference )

I licked lube today and I liked it ( yes read that again cause i did) and I’m not ashamed to admit it ( admittedly I won’t be telling my parents that), during the period before my Italian lecture. XD

It was this heating lube that heated up the more you rubbed it ( friction is good apparently) and when you blew on it, dios mio! Way to start a party in your pants( in normal circumstances ). Even the taste is fantastic , seriously who doesn’t love strawberries and cream???

Okay, before you get your knickers/boxers in a bunch, I licked it off of my own hand so no “wet weather” occurred nor was it an orgy in class but seriously, I have an imagination just like everyone else does so I could imagine what it could do ( digging myself into a deeper hole here but hey, honesty counts)

My genius friend who brought it and a few other choice items to class to show us some of the products she is selling ( No vibes – seriously people,sharing is NOT caring in terms of vibes)

So besides the lube ( and trust me it gets really weird when people tell you to lick your hand and you KNOW you have lube on it and you think they’re taking you for an ass but you do it anyway and are mildly/pleasantly surprised by the taste before going to the bathroom to WASH your hands, nothing more than that), we tested out some other products including the most amazing little roll on bottle of pheromones ever!!!

It apparently helps you seem more attractive to members if the opposite sex( and those who bat for the same team) and surprise surprise it works.
It was tested on people( women) in retail/waitressing and they are more likely to make sales/be tipped more while wearing it, in comparison to those without it on.

I have this fruity/ floral scent ( that i personally think is amazing) while another friend smelt slightly exotic, like the perfect blend of the most expensive eastern spices. There were originally 4 girls in the class and 1 guy and we all tried it, but the guys smell was kind of muted but when we tried it on another male classmate his scent was AMAZING, the first guy couldn’t believe that all 4 girls reacted in such a way to the 2nd classmates scent ( and was a bit miffed – lol ) but he smelt amazing, it’s indescribable.

This stuff works better than axe( in my opinion) , then again at R260 per 10.2 ml bottle, it better work a lot better.

Something that bothers me though, is peoples reactions to sex stuff in general, dear god people it’s sex, it’s not going to kill you ( but what a way to go). Reactions range from amusement to disgust and I just don’t get it. Why be disgusted? Honestly the stork never brought you to your parents nor were you a “monkey on the mountain” or whatever else your parents may have told you.

The fact that sex toys and lubes etc exist should be a good thing and not something looked down upon, at the end of the day woman get as much pleasure from them as men do and there are probably more woman using toys than men. Although some men believe woman who use toys have higher expectations ( because c’mon a battery lasts kinda long in comparison ) but they’re man enough to accept it .

Just have fun ( and none of that “YOLO” crap ), be safe and be aware of what your actions are.

Chasing the illusion

What is happiness?

The Web definition of Happiness:
state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

And I’m not talking about that first taste of chocolate or that ice cream cone that made your day, nor am I talking about a hug or a smile from a friend or the completion of a task.

I’m talking about the happiness that can stem from another person into you. The happiness that is supposedly found in relationships. The happiness people long for and dream of once it’s gone; because they never realized its worth, until it isn’t there anymore.

I’m lonely, I’ll admit to it but I will never compromise my “search” for happiness for “instant gratification”.  My best friend had lectured me so severely one day, I had moaned about “needing” a man in my life to make me happy, I was told I didn’t need a man in my life to be happy and even if I had one, I needed to learn to be happy by myself first.

She was right, and I am. I’m happy on my own. Sure I’ll look at guys and dream but that’s just it – a DREAM.  I don’t feel the need or desire to chase this illusion of happiness that some seem to have found. I don’t find myself having those school girl crush moments anymore. It’s like I’ve become old before my time but I’m grateful because it’s given me wisdom which is more useful to me now, than in hindsight.

There are so many women who chase this illusion and to be honest, there’s nothing wrong with hoping and praying for a better and brighter tomorrow with someone by your side, I’ve done it often enough – and I sometimes STILL so it. It’s just when as a woman you start to believe you are fated to be unhappy, you start believing in all those silly online pictures and quotes from pre-pubescent teenagers who haven’t even lived for 2 decades or people long gone.

This would never be written by any boy; It was sent to me by a friend

Is it really worth it? Being in a relationship just for that rush of happiness you feel, a rush akin to that of an adrenaline junkie taking that first step into empty air, falling, a scream voiced from the very depths of your being torn away from you by the wind as you come closer and closer, at an alarming rate to the unforgiving harshness of still waters, just to be yanked back up again by the bungee cord. Is it really worth it?

Especially if you’re taking advice from someone telling you not to give all of you? Is that really an attempt at an everlasting happiness with another or only a way to ensure that something is bound to go wrong? Even if things go wrong eventually, you should be able to say, I TRIED, I PROMISE I didn’t attempt to sabotage it on purpose.

Wise words but are they conducive to finding happiness with another?

Is that when it becomes more about falling in happiness rather than actually being happy? The first few days or even weeks of any relationship are always the happiest. It’s the “honeymoon” phase and eventually, reality will set in. Sometimes it CAN and WILL last but other times, especially when it seems like all you’re after is the initial happy high, doubt (and paranoia)  sinks in and you refuse to get your heart involved, causing a bit of a traffic jam between your mind, heart and soul.

Is that when it becomes more about chasing the illusion of happiness rather than actual happiness? When you start to reminisce about a past in which you were happy, that’s when issues tend to arise because your present misery could never compete with your past, especially if all you recall are the happier moments and not what lead you to your current predicament. The only thing that could ever trump your past and present combined would be your future, which remains unwritten and can only be determined by you.

I’d rather wait for happiness or even work for it, for real eternal happiness, in the  oversized waiting room we call life than spend my time chasing a mere illusion until the doctor calls to tell me my time is at an end.

What is more important I wonder?

To BE happy Or To LIVE happily for a period of time?

More ramblings from a not so fresh fresher

Hey! Bonjour! Hola! And whatever other greetings there may be.

So yes! I know I haven’t posted in awhile but university has become hectic and for a student studying four languages, even more so.

For some reason my lecturers and tutors feel like their specific  subjects are the most important and pile on work like there no tomorrow, regardless of our other subjects, assignments and homework.

Shit just got real yo (Yeah , no that doesn’t really work for me)

On the dating/guy aspect of uni, there’s a whole separate blog post about that coming soon.

I just need to somehow find the time and balance everything properly. It’s a major thing that I haven’t stopped blogging completely, I’m so proud of myself but please bear in mind my posts will be more sporadic/sparse. It all depends on when my muse decides to make an appearance and whether or not my tired being can bother listening.

When you wake up at 4.45am to get on campus at 6am – just for parking – shows major dedication (but that can’t be remedied until next year – 2nd years can get a parking disc; SUPER AMPED)

So anywhoo I need to be off :/ I still have 1 overdue mandarin assignment plus another due on Thursday

An Italian test on Friday that I still need to study for , plus a shitload of exercises.

A partially completed French assignment due Friday (about a fashion faux-pas – like I know anything about fashion; I’ve only started dressing like a girl recently) plus a shitload of exercises

A Spanish assignment (I think – they changed our course outline but haven’t told us exactly what’s going on)

Okay so that above piece was all yesterday but I just never had the time to publish it, since Dom and I decided to “go get free stuff” At the career fair (and yes, it was free – I was given a shitload of pens, highlighters, and even a Durex feather light condom box with free detol hand sanitizer (which I found a tad weird but okay) or maybe it was the free hand sanitizer that came with free condoms hmmm…)

The thing about “Career fairs” is that they cater for every degree stream (well they are meant to ) except for your Humanities degrees. I admit, last week when going to the IT Career fair and Accounting Career fair, we knew it wasn’t for our degree stream but we went for pens and as bad as that may seem I do need to ‘fess up at this point and say , “YES! I lied about my degree – a few times it changed, depending on the stall- to get free stationary/mugs/highlighters/flashlights/pencils etc etc ” BUT even though the moral of this story is that lying is bad, you can get free shit and you can get busted (As I discovered this week – but that’ll come in a different post).

Yesterday I went to the GENERAL career fair, being naïve (and ignoring Dom who said they don’t HAVE career fairs for humanities students) I thought YAY! FINALLY, A career fair where I won’t have to lie. (I even skipped the engineering career fair the Monday) only to discover that yet again all the big companies only wanted engineers and commerce students. Joy to the freaking world.

Although at one company’s stall I happened to wander by, I was honest about my degree and I admit that company interested me (It’s a financial company – I know I was in shock when I realized how much it intrigued me – and it was also the first company to show interest in a BA student such as myself). I was told that the company would need translators since most of its business was done with international clients and the company made more than a Billion US$ a year. All I had to do was show some interest in the financial market as is, without having to study anything in terms of a course for my degree.

For me personally, every company with international clientele will need someone who can translate and interpret but the career fairs only seemed to emphasize the fact that my chosen path of study wasn’t good enough in comparison to those with science or mathematically based degrees. Bloomberg however gave me that fine thread of hope that I needed to re-motivate myself – If I want to be the best, I’ll have to work for the best.

No company is made up of solely engineers, actuarial scientists, designers etc etc. People with BA degree’s ARE needed in almost every company, whether its publicity work or HR or even as the company psychologist, We ARE needed and we do matter.

As for getting busted,

I was busted by my dad’s friend son.

Thing is, I know this guys dad well enough, I know his younger brother (kinda) but HE (the one who “busted me” ) was always off at uni or whatever being a brainiac actuarial-scientist –to-be  and he was always the “idol” held up to me, a girl with an Indian dad and one who isn’t following the norm and doing anything in medical, financial or law related fields (despite what people say, that stereotype is not a lie).

And now after one “conversation” with him (me lying about my degree and year of study – in my defense I didn’t know who he was at first). My best friend thinks’ he’s GORGEOUS . Admittedly he never busted me to anyone else but when I told my parents who I had finally met and what happened (the busting and according to dom he was flirting with me – LIES,  He just recognized my face and wanted to know how he knew me ) my dad automatically phoned his dad, and told him all about the free pen thing (although my dad has been stealing my bounty). His dad just laughed and said it was a typical Indian thing to get free stuff :/

Hopefully (or maybe not) I won’t see him again but I know I will see/ speak to his dad again (his dad usually phones once every month or so to speak to my dad and I’m the one who answers the phone) and that’s going to be fun.

lots of love

my royal not so fresh fresherness

Reflections for the insignificantly significant

Some say, when reflecting upon the wonders of life they realise their insignificance in this universe.

For me?

I just need to look upon the masses at university to realise that simple fact.

I just need to gaze over cape town and the seemingly never ending dimming sparkle of lights over a city that slowly, begins to wake amidst the few that have been up since before the sun had touched the skyline with its magnificent presence ..

I just need to stare off into the distance looking past this never ending city, to the mountains; that create a sense of foreboding in winter, when the skies are murky and grey and that create a sense of vibrant vitality and strength when the sky is ablaze in the summer…

I just need to do these simple things…
To realize the extent of my insignificance,
not even in a world so large
but in a city too big to really care.
I just need to do these simple things…
To realize the extent of my insignificance
Not only in a city too big to really care
but in the rat race we are all caught up in called life.

However I’ve realised, while musing over my insignificance…
Ironically enough; we are all significantly insignificant
This in itself in a weird turn-about sort of way makes us significant.

To our friends
To our family
To our peers
To anyone our little interconnected lives may have touched in some way
Because let’s face it, we are all connected with one another.

So maybe I’m not as insignificant as I believe and maybe someday some friends will remember me.
But for now, I’m happier in the background.

It’s easier to hurt alone and share it with the world,
When I’m mostly anonymous amidst the millions of others
Than hurt and share it with “Friends”,
Where I can easily be preyed upon, in the worst possible way.