Messed Up Standards & Mixed Emotions

I’ve begun to notice a trend among guys although it’s been happening all along, to countless other women. I’ll be having a decent conversation and then it’ll be turned into something more flirtatious. Now, don’t get me wrong: I don’t mind that, but there are boundaries and the minute I start to “back away”, it becomes an issue.

I find I have to remind these boys that they, too, have sisters or female cousins; that they, too, might one day have daughters and I ask, “Is this how you would want a guy to treat your sister, cousin or daughter?”

I got various responses, ranging from how he can’t imagine having a sister – I told the one boy to imagine it – and how he’d never have daughters; to another boy telling me that his cousin wouldn’t be a smart-ass like me. What does that mean? How am I a smart-ass for making a valid point?

Why are the standards so skewed that if we dress or act a certain way, it automatically gives boys “rights” over how they can or cannot talk with us? Do we not deserve even a moderate amount of respect? Do some boys think that we have no dignity? They definitely try to make us feel that way, as though we are nothing… especially if we’re not putting out.

Even with the act of sex itself, it’s very hush-hush and taboo to speak about it, but it’s everywhere. My parents never gave me the birds and the bees talk; I learnt about it in school, I heard about it from friends, I saw it alluded to all over my TV or in films and books but none of those things really teach you how messed up the standards are. You’re abnormal if you don’t like it and easy if you talk about how much you like it so it’s taboo to talk about it, but you should do it with at least one person or else you’re a prude.

If you’re a guy you can talk about it and get hi-fives and congratulatory pats on the back but if you’re a girl you can’t be casual about it, you can’t actively enjoy it or even embrace your sexuality with anything over the level of enthusiasm deemed “appropriate” by the unwritten rules of society without being labelled as easy.

I found myself struggling to come to terms with my own sensuality. In a battle of needs and desire vs. respectability and responsibility, I found myself torn between two halves of my own being, saint and sinner, and it’s something we all have, to varying degrees within ourselves.

We should realize that no one else matters but ourselves, so letting someone else’s opinion demean or demoralize you is a waste of your emotions and time. There’s nothing more important, than being proud of who YOU are. If you like it, do it. If you don’t, then don’t. Don’t let yourself be pressured into something just because you’re trying to fit in, rather stand out and be proud of that than be ashamed of something you can’t undo.


Just a lil rage in the month of love

I’m sorry! I know it’s been awhile and I’ve been meaning to post ASAP ! But a lot has happened the past month or so ( my birthday, the Swedish house mafia concert, starting uni again etc )

but for now..
I feel I need to rant just a little first.. ( before I kill an unsuspecting – well, im sure he expects it now- idiot )


And here’s why ..
Ps: this is the same idiot from the boys will be boys post.

2/15/2013 20:07: Nightshadehunter: Nice pic btw
2/15/2013 21:05: The Idiot: Thanks, can’t talk now. Sorry :).
2/17/2013 20:43: The Idiot: I wanna kiss you.
2/17/2013 20:50: Nightshadehunter: How drunk are you?
2/17/2013 20:51: Nightshadehunter: We barely speak the past week or so
2/17/2013 20:51: Nightshadehunter: And now this?
2/17/2013 20:54: The Idiot: That hurts, and I’m not drunk.
2/17/2013 20:54: Nightshadehunter: Uhm so why do you want to kiss me now all of a sudden?
2/17/2013 20:56: The Idiot: So I’m not allowed to want to kiss you?
2/17/2013 21:09: Nightshadehunter: No.. Cause when I admitted to you ( after your 21st if I might not add – which was a few weeks ago ) that I my only regret was NOT kissing you, you told me it was for the best
2/17/2013 21:10: Nightshadehunter: Because you liked someone else and shit with me would be too complicated
2/17/2013 21:10: Nightshadehunter: Based on a fact you never thought to enlighten me on ( your fears ) whatever. FINE
2/17/2013 21:10: Nightshadehunter: Then
2/17/2013 21:11: Nightshadehunter: When I attempted normal friendly banter afterwards you shut me out?
2/17/2013 21:11: The Idiot: Done?
2/17/2013 21:12: Nightshadehunter: Mildly irked
2/17/2013 21:12: Nightshadehunter: But done
2/17/2013 21:13: The Idiot: Lol okay firstly I’m sorry if you feel I’ve been ignoring you but when you message me it is at awkward times.
2/17/2013 21:13: The Idiot: Secondly I lied about liking another girl I did still like you but I had to tell you something to turn you off.
2/17/2013 21:15: The Idiot: Finally when I said “I wanna kiss you” it was based on a dare from a friend.
2/17/2013 21:15: The Idiot: Which was insensitive so I apologize.
2/17/2013 21:15: The Idiot: I am sorry.
2/17/2013 21:16: Nightshadehunter: You said that based on a dare
2/17/2013 21:16: The Idiot: Pretty much.
2/17/2013 21:17: Nightshadehunter: So after basically fucking begging me to date you for a few months last year. I relent and admit to liking you and you felt the need to “turn me off” ?
2/17/2013 21:18: Nightshadehunter: 🙂 okay then ”

Just note exactly how many days later the ass responds, and the first thing he says is ” I wanna kiss you”

Really now? What does this fool take me for?
Do I not have feelings?
Should my emotions not be respected after he TOLD me there was someone else and I had enough faith in him to believe him and I left shit be?

All I’d love to do right now is chuck a brick or something at his head.

Ooh I just got his reasoning for not wanting to date me.
While on our date I mentioned that my dad had a gun, and that freaked the poor soul out apparently.
However, a different guy came to my house on a Sunday ( which happens to be a day where the family tends to congregate at my home ) to take me to the cinema, he met not only my dad and most of my family but was told by my father that my father would kill him if he touched me. He still asked me out again after that.

The idiot , only met my mother and she was moderately well behaved ( considering she is an irrepressible joker and doesn’t know when to draw the line – my dad was in china )

Honestly I can only hope, that the BOYS who act this way, will one day have daughters, and I can only hope that no ass does to their daughters, what they were willing to do to other girls when they were young.

I also KNOW there are girls out there who do the exact same to guys ( and yes, I’d love to chuck a brick or something at them too ), and I can only hope their sons aren’t toyed about with in the same manner simply because no one deserves to be toyed with.

Although it’s a different story once you involve kin now isn’t it ?
Once you involve a loved one ?
Someone you care about …
Like a younger sister or brother…
Like a cousin…
Like a best friend…

Think about it
Remember it
And then remember to think before you toy with someone else’s feelings

Looking Back

Despite my romantic ups and downs of the year 2012, I realized and recalled today that my ex had sent me something in a variety of languages while drunk one night. Having only remembered it now I translated it ( google etc because I’m not THAT good at translation just yet – especially it with Greek etc )

Σας έχω αγαπήσει κάθε μέρα
(I’ve loved everyday)

אני אוהב אותך עד סוף

(I love you until the end )

sin conturbantes cor meum
(If you break my heart )

(I will never forgive you)

I’m not sure how to feel about it to be honest , in hindsight it was sweet while we were dating but now it feels like I’ll always have this over me, I thought I had made peace with the past and maybe I should just forget this but I’m not sure if I can. Do I really need his forgiveness? Or is my own self worth , worth more?

I also feel like I shouldn’t be asking for forgiveness for something I had no control over, he was given a choice and he made it, and I’m okay with that but sometimes it feels like I have unfinished business. I’m not one to walk away when a problem should be resolved but I feel in a situation as volatile as this, I should .

I’m a confrontational person and I don’t like to hide when I feel I can sort it out but I have also moved on with my life and I can only hope he has as well.

2012 was an educational experience for me in terms of varying “relationships” and it made me realize it IS okay if a guy walks away, it hurts but you learn. I realized that nothing has to last forever and sometimes the shorter the better. I realized I’m not as plain as I always thought I was and it’s given me more of a confidence boost as I now believe in my femininity regardless of my tomboyish ways.

I realized exactly how complex I am and I’m not sure most guys would ever be able to comprehend AND appreciate that fact.

I’m as “unique” as every other individual on this earth, perfect in being perfectly flawed and perfectly crazy ( at times – who am I kidding, all the time).

It’s all about balance and maybe one day I’ll achieve that PERFECT balance, for both the saint and sinner inside of me.

Boys will be boys

So the other day I attended the 21st celebrations of a university friend, and honestly it was an amazing night. I saw a different side to a guy that I at first Was determined not to like ( simply because he was persistently pesky -but in a fun way- also there was the issue with the asswipe from the previous posts)

Eventually I went on a date to Kirstenbosch Gardens with this guy, determined to give him a chance ( new year, new beginnings and all that) and I found myself liking him a little more.

The 21st was a bit of a nightmare at first, the decorations were perfectly classy and slightly quirky ( which is just how he is – it was a black and white themed evening , in true Sir style) and the venue was a dream but not being the friendliest person at times and knowing only the birthday boy himself ( and the classmate who introduced us) I felt like I’d gone off the deep end.

Throughout the night I made some new friends, as well as befriending his equally as persistent cousin who seemed determined to get us ( birthday boy and myself) together. Fed up , slightly exasperated and quite embarrassed ( I AM a little shy you see) I asked why me? Wasn’t there another girl who he wasn’t related to? And she replied that’s got nothing to do with it,you’re the prettiest one here.

I think at that moment I might’ve died on the spot ( had dying at a compliment not been even more embarrassing) , I mean I know I brush up well but I didn’t know I did it THAT well, I found myself considering what she and his other friend were saying ( the other friend mentioned how the birthday boy only invited a select few people to his celebrations etc etc)

As mentioned before at the 21st I saw a different side to him; a humorous , witty, slightly sarcastic side I found myself liking.

The following day ( today) when I mentioned to him my only regret was not kissing him… After a drawn out process where I demanded answers and he answered he replied,

“We’re good as just friends so let’s not complicate it. Plus I have feelings for someone else.”

Excuse me? So why ask me out?

Because it was only a mild crush a week ago and he had thought nothing of it.

The bitch in me, doesn’t care .
She’s simply annoyed that he wasted her time,
But the girl, she’s unsure of how to feel.

I mean you finally start to feel something for someone, genuine feelings and you get shot down when you express a desire to try.

I guess when a guy gets what he wants; be it a date, a kiss or even sex.
He doesn’t feel the need to care anymore. It really is more about the thrill of the chase than anything else. I say this because in that same week ago he developed this mild crush on an unknown girl, he was still explaining to me why we’d make an okay if not good couple.

All I can say?
There are about 360 days left to this year,
Things might not have worked out with this guy but maybe it’ll work out with the next guy brave enough to try.

Boys will be boys, but a real man won’t waste a woman’s time.

Sexual standards

“It’s so screwed up, the standards,” Kelsey said abruptly, tossing a pillow toward the ground. “You should like it, but you shouldn’t like it too much or talk about how much you like it. You should do it, but you shouldn’t do it with too many people or talk about how much you’re doing it. It’s like there are so many rules, but none of them make sense.”

Excerpt From: Keplinger, Kody. “Shut Out.”
This material may be protected by copyright.

If a guy mentions to his friends he got with a chick or two over the weekend, it’s not a big deal. He gets a high five from his buddies and told he’s a man, not just a man but THE man. If a guy screws around with more than one girl at a time, stringing them along, he’s a player, a pro. Someone most guys idolize and want to be. Someone ( unfortunately) all the girls want to be with. Leaving the decent guys shaking their heads at the stupidity of the chicks who friend zoned them ,but will later complain that there are no nice guys left.

It’s okay for a guy to like sex, to enjoy it and be casual about it, to talk about it.

If a girl does the same. She can be one of two things. A tease or a slut. End of story.

It’s taboo for a girl to discuss what she has or hasn’t done, and depending on what those things are she’s yet again labeled and classified as a tease or a slut. Its even worse if it seems like she enjoys and embraces her sexuality with anything over the level of enthusiasm deemed “appropriate” by the unwritten rules of society, and quite frankly .. It sucks.

Some guys can’t wait and tend to pressure girls who aren’t ready by using the worst lines possible ,

” If you really love me …. ” ,
” I love you, don’t you love me too? ” ..

As if false assurances of love should be worth it.

I find myself struggling to come to terms with my blatant sexuality. It’s a battle of needs/desire vs respectability/responsibility.

I find myself torn between two halves of my own being, saint and sinner.

If a girl acts “inappropriately” she’s a slut,if she dresses in a certain way, she’s a slut, if she hangs out with plenty of guys ( who are her FRIENDS) she’s a slut.

We live in a society that is quick to point fingers and place blame , to label and judge but heaven help you if you do the same to them. Sometimes the holier than thou saints that are so quick to judge and label are the biggest sinners of the lot.

Eventually , I began to realize that sometimes there’s nothing more important, that being proud of who you are.

“she had known something all along that I hadn’t: that being ashamed of what you want or how you feel is pointless, and letting anyone else make you feel ashamed is a waste. ”

Excerpt From: Keplinger, Kody. “Shut Out.”
This material may be protected by copyright.

And sometimes, it’s better to be accepted for who you are, than for who you pretend to be.

The Mid-Year Resolution

I’m so sick of the douchebags.
I’m so sick of guys that are full of themselves, filled with the misguided notion and concept that they are men, when they are in-fact boys at best.

I’m sick of being treated like nothing.
I’m sick of being bothered by boys acting like assholes, especially if I harboured (Note: Past Tense) not so secret feelings for one of them but you know what?

I’m over it.
No more assholes.
No more being treated like dirt.
No more egos.
No more douchebags
And most importantly

If I date again, I don’t want to date a boy.. I’d like someone I’d define as a man and yes that definition differs based on my personal opinion and taste but you know what, when I find the right man, I’ll let you know exactly what that definition is.
I’m not looking for “Mr Right” I’m looking for “Mr Right Now (who might stick around for awhile)”
I won’t say no to a spot of fun ( Dependent on who is asking )
Because I know what I’m worth and currently, this is not it

But for now..
I have my mid-year resolution..


Who knows, I may even break this resolution for a boy that may fool me into thinking he’s a man.
Only time will tell..

C’est la vie 🙂