Jack

Is there a point, where the pain becomes too much?

Is this when you reach for that first bottle of jack hoping he’ll be a good friend and you won’t remember anything.
Hoping he’ll numb you to the sensation of having your soul stripped off, lash by lash by each emotional whipping you receive.

Is this the point where you stop taking it like a cowering dog and do your own thing, numbing yourself inside and out to avoid the bitter disappointment, all with the help of good ol’Jack?

Does Jack help you forget the first time you kissed? The 14th of January

Does Jack help you forget the intensity that flared between you? The 3rd of March

Does Jack remind you of all the good times, the laughs, the stolen kisses on starry nights or does Jack bring back memories of being taken for granted and all the tears, sleepless nights and feelings of inadequacy.

Does Jack remind you that you’re not enough?

You’re not skinny enough

You’re not pretty enough

You’re not religious enough

You’re too loud and abrasive

You’re too friendly with guys

You don’t deserve it

You never did

All you deserved was the torment you received when you were younger, a continuous cycle of hell.

You deserved it then.

You asked for it then.

You deserve this now too

Does Jack finally, slowly, take everything away, until all you see is darkness or does jack slowly numb your senses to the point where you only come awake upon impact? Perhaps not even then, because perhaps Jack did his job right this time and you’ve gotten your wish.

Your life and others destroyed, because you had to numb yourself from the constant screams of agony at each lashing.

How do you save yourself from drowning in a bottle? Even though you know the answer won’t be there, do you still try to find it there?

How do you numb yourself?

How do you find yourself again?

How do you live a lie again?

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Chasing the illusion

What is happiness?

The Web definition of Happiness:
state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

And I’m not talking about that first taste of chocolate or that ice cream cone that made your day, nor am I talking about a hug or a smile from a friend or the completion of a task.

I’m talking about the happiness that can stem from another person into you. The happiness that is supposedly found in relationships. The happiness people long for and dream of once it’s gone; because they never realized its worth, until it isn’t there anymore.

I’m lonely, I’ll admit to it but I will never compromise my “search” for happiness for “instant gratification”.  My best friend had lectured me so severely one day, I had moaned about “needing” a man in my life to make me happy, I was told I didn’t need a man in my life to be happy and even if I had one, I needed to learn to be happy by myself first.

She was right, and I am. I’m happy on my own. Sure I’ll look at guys and dream but that’s just it – a DREAM.  I don’t feel the need or desire to chase this illusion of happiness that some seem to have found. I don’t find myself having those school girl crush moments anymore. It’s like I’ve become old before my time but I’m grateful because it’s given me wisdom which is more useful to me now, than in hindsight.

There are so many women who chase this illusion and to be honest, there’s nothing wrong with hoping and praying for a better and brighter tomorrow with someone by your side, I’ve done it often enough – and I sometimes STILL so it. It’s just when as a woman you start to believe you are fated to be unhappy, you start believing in all those silly online pictures and quotes from pre-pubescent teenagers who haven’t even lived for 2 decades or people long gone.

This would never be written by any boy; It was sent to me by a friend

Is it really worth it? Being in a relationship just for that rush of happiness you feel, a rush akin to that of an adrenaline junkie taking that first step into empty air, falling, a scream voiced from the very depths of your being torn away from you by the wind as you come closer and closer, at an alarming rate to the unforgiving harshness of still waters, just to be yanked back up again by the bungee cord. Is it really worth it?

Especially if you’re taking advice from someone telling you not to give all of you? Is that really an attempt at an everlasting happiness with another or only a way to ensure that something is bound to go wrong? Even if things go wrong eventually, you should be able to say, I TRIED, I PROMISE I didn’t attempt to sabotage it on purpose.

Wise words but are they conducive to finding happiness with another?

Is that when it becomes more about falling in happiness rather than actually being happy? The first few days or even weeks of any relationship are always the happiest. It’s the “honeymoon” phase and eventually, reality will set in. Sometimes it CAN and WILL last but other times, especially when it seems like all you’re after is the initial happy high, doubt (and paranoia)  sinks in and you refuse to get your heart involved, causing a bit of a traffic jam between your mind, heart and soul.

Is that when it becomes more about chasing the illusion of happiness rather than actual happiness? When you start to reminisce about a past in which you were happy, that’s when issues tend to arise because your present misery could never compete with your past, especially if all you recall are the happier moments and not what lead you to your current predicament. The only thing that could ever trump your past and present combined would be your future, which remains unwritten and can only be determined by you.

I’d rather wait for happiness or even work for it, for real eternal happiness, in the  oversized waiting room we call life than spend my time chasing a mere illusion until the doctor calls to tell me my time is at an end.

What is more important I wonder?

To BE happy Or To LIVE happily for a period of time?

Reflections for the insignificantly significant

Some say, when reflecting upon the wonders of life they realise their insignificance in this universe.

For me?

I just need to look upon the masses at university to realise that simple fact.

I just need to gaze over cape town and the seemingly never ending dimming sparkle of lights over a city that slowly, begins to wake amidst the few that have been up since before the sun had touched the skyline with its magnificent presence ..

I just need to stare off into the distance looking past this never ending city, to the mountains; that create a sense of foreboding in winter, when the skies are murky and grey and that create a sense of vibrant vitality and strength when the sky is ablaze in the summer…

I just need to do these simple things…
To realize the extent of my insignificance,
not even in a world so large
but in a city too big to really care.
I just need to do these simple things…
To realize the extent of my insignificance
Not only in a city too big to really care
but in the rat race we are all caught up in called life.

However I’ve realised, while musing over my insignificance…
Ironically enough; we are all significantly insignificant
This in itself in a weird turn-about sort of way makes us significant.

To our friends
To our family
To our peers
To anyone our little interconnected lives may have touched in some way
Because let’s face it, we are all connected with one another.

So maybe I’m not as insignificant as I believe and maybe someday some friends will remember me.
But for now, I’m happier in the background.

It’s easier to hurt alone and share it with the world,
When I’m mostly anonymous amidst the millions of others
Than hurt and share it with “Friends”,
Where I can easily be preyed upon, in the worst possible way.

The Fresher

Well .. This piece I originally wrote on wednesday the first of February 2012 .. And it was posted on my old blog .. But I decided that now that I’ve started a new semester at university I might as well share it..

In hindsight ( and yes, it was only a few months ago) I realize that nothing would’ve changed my mind. Nothing would’ve made me stop and think I couldn’t do it. Nothing can make me think that.

There are only two posts I had done based solely on my life as a “fresher” and that was when I still had time to write .. So there will be a HUGE gap between then and now but anyway .. Maybe I can fill it eventually .. There has been a post about my best friend Nuky ( The greatest friend) and we had met at university but this focus’ more on my specific struggles with my subjects

But this post basically contains more about me and the way my crazily random and stubborn mind works

“Before it all starts

In life there are many things that are uncertain and many things that are decided either by you, or powers that be ( I’d like to call such powers University Curriculum Advisers AKA the demi gods of the underworld; also known as the Faculty Admin )

It is one thing to do what you love and know you will excel at but its completely different to shooting yourself in the foot during that process and cutting off your nose to spite your face, just to prove people wrong.

I was told I wouldn’t be able to cope learning not 1 and not 2 but 4 languages from scratch in the 4 years I would be attending university ( I willingly agreed to do a forth year to do it all). 

The languages being:

-Italian

-Spanish

-French

-Mandarin

I was told it’s a foolish dream and lead to believe that doing it was akin to searching for a government without a corrupt official in one department or the other.

I admit it, i’m just a tad crazy with my goal. I was told its impossible but I hate backing down from a challenge. I was told what I wanted to do  did not go against any of the University’s rules  but I was strongly advised against it. 

What would i do afterwards?

What career would i get?

I stubbornly refused all of the first advisers “help”.. 

The second adviser ( having been forewarned by the first) sat and listened as I rambled out my dilemma and the concerns and doubts I was given by the “lovely” first adviser

Let me mention one thing.. 

you can believe all you want but when the people around you begin to doubt you, 

that is when you too begin to doubt.

and doubt I did,

The second adviser sat there and told me i would do well,

if I didn’t like what I was doing I could change before the end of the term and do something else in second term

Happy with that I left the university but now,a day before I’m due to register as a student.

 I find myself struck with the same doubts others had.. speaking to a third year friend of mine,

I voiced all doubts and uncertainties, now dealing with one as stubborn as myself is not easy. at all.

It is akin to forcing a mule to move. 

Once the mind is made up, there is no changing it yet somehow unlike the others, he didn’t tell me what to do, he rather told me how to make the best of it.

he mentioned i’d need a background in some form of politics or something to make me employable overseas and I found my little loophole ( just as a back up plan). 

For now however..

I’ll stick with the plan I had made and see it through for the year,

who knows.. I MIGHT fail or I MIGHT pass better than the first curriculum adviser ever expected.

This year is mine and mine alone.

Only I can decide what’s best for me in the long run 

and the same applies to you.

I’ll blog about the various trials ans tribulations involved throughout this year
The uncertainties, the friends, the frenemies and even the lectures and who knows what else university life may throw at me.

All the best
The Fresher ”

Well .. I’m not such a “Fresh” fresher anymore XD …

But then again, C’est la vie 🙂