Jack

Is there a point, where the pain becomes too much?

Is this when you reach for that first bottle of jack hoping he’ll be a good friend and you won’t remember anything.
Hoping he’ll numb you to the sensation of having your soul stripped off, lash by lash by each emotional whipping you receive.

Is this the point where you stop taking it like a cowering dog and do your own thing, numbing yourself inside and out to avoid the bitter disappointment, all with the help of good ol’Jack?

Does Jack help you forget the first time you kissed? The 14th of January

Does Jack help you forget the intensity that flared between you? The 3rd of March

Does Jack remind you of all the good times, the laughs, the stolen kisses on starry nights or does Jack bring back memories of being taken for granted and all the tears, sleepless nights and feelings of inadequacy.

Does Jack remind you that you’re not enough?

You’re not skinny enough

You’re not pretty enough

You’re not religious enough

You’re too loud and abrasive

You’re too friendly with guys

You don’t deserve it

You never did

All you deserved was the torment you received when you were younger, a continuous cycle of hell.

You deserved it then.

You asked for it then.

You deserve this now too

Does Jack finally, slowly, take everything away, until all you see is darkness or does jack slowly numb your senses to the point where you only come awake upon impact? Perhaps not even then, because perhaps Jack did his job right this time and you’ve gotten your wish.

Your life and others destroyed, because you had to numb yourself from the constant screams of agony at each lashing.

How do you save yourself from drowning in a bottle? Even though you know the answer won’t be there, do you still try to find it there?

How do you numb yourself?

How do you find yourself again?

How do you live a lie again?

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Pissed off and Disappointed

I admit, I wrote this piece in quite a rage on Saturday night and I didn’t want to publish it as  post simply because it might or might not hurt the person in questions feelings but then again, my feelings deserve to be heard and acknowledge too and I won’t and can’t let this fester inside me anymore.

I’m not that mad anymore, merely disappointed and I know I would’ve understood a helluva lot more if I just got a simple message saying “Look, I can’t come sorry”

That’s all.

I’d like to hope things can be patched up, I mean I’m not the easiest friend to have but then again if it’s not….  To quote a very wise bear from one of his twitter tweetings,

TED ‏

@TedInRealLife :I’ve learned not to chase after anyone anymore. You want to walk out of my life? Go ahead, I’ll hold the door.

 

Wise words from a wise bear, don’t you think?

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I’m  honestly just so pissed off right now I’m torn between crying and screaming.

There are things we do for friends or people we care about, but there are also things we do to and or for others. Common curtsey dictates that when I make plans for you to stay over almost TWO weeks in advance (and getting my dad to like one of my friends is a pain in the ass, so if he likes you then well DAMN) and you decide to go do whatever it is your doing without even a message, shows exactly what you think of me and yes, I may be freaking out about something “trivial” but when you know someone that always replies and you’re stuck watching time pass waiting for a reply, you obviously start to worry.

She was meant to arrive after 1, I messaged her at 12.30 no reply. I ask her brother where she is at 2 and she’s out shopping. My messages deliver in consecutive order as the hours pass by and I’m starting to freak the fuck out but no, no message not even a freaking facebook message. It’s almost 7pm and she finally messages me to let me know she’s home safe and sound after being out shopping.

Hello. If  I make plans with you don’t DARE cancel on me almost FIVE HOURS later! I could’ve spent my day doing something else instead of waiting for you! My mother wanted to go to a yearly church bazaar but no, my friend was coming so we had to wait. My mother never willingly baked for my other friends nor would she go out of her way to prep things for supper and take out meats etc for a awesome breakfast the next day.

Don’t dare give me any form of pathetic excuse for not even a single message. If you weren’t with someone who was either a) holding a gun to your head or b) attempting to commit suicide or even c) having a baby don’t dare not send a message. Heck I’d even understand if your other friend got dumped and needed retail therapy don’t NOT say a single word to me until the sun has already set.

I actually like to think I CARE about my friends so don’t EVER think to call yourself my friend if you didn’t even have the decency to let me know you won’t be coming over.

I think I’m honestly more disappointed than anything else and if you don’t want to spend time with me, say so because quite frankly I refuse to let you or anyone else turn me into one of those typically pathetic kids we see on American TV shows, you know which ones I’m talking about, the loser waiting for her classmates to come over for a party but no-one shows up? Yeah that’s not me nor will it ever be me.

Sad realization is that I think I was turned into that pathetic kid on TV. Subconsciously I had relegated myself to that role and the person who would normally never disappoint me, was the cool kid who never showed up.

Thanks for that feeling.

It means a lot to me, especially knowing how expendable my feelings and time is in your little world.

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As you can see, I was pissed of beyond belief but I think I’m okay now that it’s off my chest.

How you react, well …

That’s your choice.

 

 

 

 

Moments In Life

Life is not a funny thing yet ironically enough; it has these moments that make us laugh, cry, remember and rage

These moments where we show the world we can be anything we want, from flirtatious to downright foolish (but lovably so). There are moments of regret we feel for rash actions. There are moments where we cannot help but look foolish, but to our loved ones, we remain the same .

These moments that make us cry, as our weaknesses and vulnerability are shown. There are the moments we feel strong because we realize even those bigger than us, stronger and faster and even “better” than us, have weaknesses too.

There are moments when we show fear even though we feel none. There are moments when we fear and almost nothing is given away.

There are moments of pure unadulterated joy as we come together yet again, be it with friends or family.

There are times spent with friends on a beach, alcohol in hand and nothing but exuberant laughter coming from our beings. No worries and No cares. Just as life should be for the younger generation.

There are the people we mourn, gone but never forgotten, although who am I to say never? From missing a loved one dearly … as time moves forward and life goes on, as each second turns into a minute which turns into an hour and then blends into the day and merges with the night, as days merge with the weeks and the passing weeks merge with the months and so forth and so on, which in turn then continues this ceaseless stream of continuity. We move on with our own lives. We almost forget, if not for a reminder, one as simple as a photograph or even a memory of a favourite flower.

There are the bonds we form with people. Whether it be platonically or romantically. They are the bonds that bind us together and tug on our hearts in ways we would never have imagined. They are the friendships people share.

The kinship between three sisters who each lead very different lives. They are the love we form with others as we accept them into our families.

There are moments where our lives stretch before us as we gaze upon the miles of ocean, in a country not quite our own. Where we realize that we are a family and no argument will take away the ties that bind us to one another.

Sometimes there are even moments shared with animals that we’ll always remember and treasure. Regardless of circumstance, just to bring a smile to our faces.

There are moments where we can’t describe how we feel, not to others and not even to ourselves. Moments when all we want to do is rage at the world, beating our fists bloody against the unyielding flesh of white walls tainted red and doors as splintered and fragmented as our inner turmoil ..

There are moments where jealousy is felt as well as a myriad of other emotions, phases and stages and there is nothing we can do about them, except go along with it and try and control ourselves as best we can.

There are so many various moments in our lives. There would be no way to note it all down and not enough words to describe them.

Bitter

I’m rather resourceful when I need to be, and I know it. But you never knew me well enough to know it as well.

You lied.

You took me for a fool.

You fed me pretty little words and I? being the delusional fool, took to them as a bird to the wind.

And I can’t believe I’m still wasting tears on a jerk such as yourself.

I can’t believe I wasted emotion on a cretin such as yourself.

You’re definitely “scum of the earth” but you just hid it better than most.

You say you serve a higher cause but you only serve your own selfish needs.

Worst of all? You’re my own dirty little secret and you made me yours.

The wheel turns and some things are better left unsaid.

But I hope I’ll get the chance to watch your pathetic ass squirm when YOUR world comes crashing down.

I hope you’ll send me a post card from hell 🙂

ArriverderLa

Writing eases the Ache

The weird thing I re-discovered a moment ago. I always knew to be true…
But I never experienced it again until a few minutes ago…
They say writing down what you feel helps.
That it clears your mind…
Calms you…
Soothes you…

It is actually true.

The meltdown of a few minutes ago feels miles away…
What you write is not important.
As long as it is what you feel.
As long as it is what needs to be said.
Even though someone might not read it; Even if they do.
They cannot change the way you feel.

Like I had said before

“The written word cannot be tarnished,
Except by the man who wrote it and by
The man who comprehends its meaning but;
Meaning is lost over time…
And time is lost over meaning… ”

Weird huh?

Hardly anyone in this world shows they care, but I do.
I show it with every fibre of my being.
I love unconditionally.
I pour heart and soul into it.
I carry their burdens as my own.
I comfort them

But

No one does it for me.

I am completely confused.
Helping or loving people is not meant to change me.
I am meant to stay the same.
It is not meant to make me aggressive or depressed, but lately it has begun to do so.
I am aggravated easily now and filled with more despair than usual.

The solution I was given.

“Stop making other peoples shit your own. They aren’t sheep”

Great solution but the thing is, sheep do not try and commit suicide.
Humans decide when they must die.
Sheep do not use you for comfort and discard you as easily as a broken toy
Most humans however have no compunction in terms of “Use em and lose em”
So does not helping a person mean I am deciding to let them die? Am I cruel enough to do that?
So does giving all of myself to one that cannot treat me right mean I am stupid? Am I?

No…

And I never will be. However weak it may seem, helping people is as much a part of my life as poetry.
Falling for the wrong guy is part of growing up into the woman I am destined to become, no matter how many frogs there are.

I just need to learn to let go…
Letting go is the key to taming the inner rage…
Letting go is the key to finding myself before I find a partner.
Letting it wash away…

Thank you “S”…
Thank you very very much…