Messed Up Standards & Mixed Emotions

I’ve begun to notice a trend among guys although it’s been happening all along, to countless other women. I’ll be having a decent conversation and then it’ll be turned into something more flirtatious. Now, don’t get me wrong: I don’t mind that, but there are boundaries and the minute I start to “back away”, it becomes an issue.

I find I have to remind these boys that they, too, have sisters or female cousins; that they, too, might one day have daughters and I ask, “Is this how you would want a guy to treat your sister, cousin or daughter?”

I got various responses, ranging from how he can’t imagine having a sister – I told the one boy to imagine it – and how he’d never have daughters; to another boy telling me that his cousin wouldn’t be a smart-ass like me. What does that mean? How am I a smart-ass for making a valid point?

Why are the standards so skewed that if we dress or act a certain way, it automatically gives boys “rights” over how they can or cannot talk with us? Do we not deserve even a moderate amount of respect? Do some boys think that we have no dignity? They definitely try to make us feel that way, as though we are nothing… especially if we’re not putting out.

Even with the act of sex itself, it’s very hush-hush and taboo to speak about it, but it’s everywhere. My parents never gave me the birds and the bees talk; I learnt about it in school, I heard about it from friends, I saw it alluded to all over my TV or in films and books but none of those things really teach you how messed up the standards are. You’re abnormal if you don’t like it and easy if you talk about how much you like it so it’s taboo to talk about it, but you should do it with at least one person or else you’re a prude.

If you’re a guy you can talk about it and get hi-fives and congratulatory pats on the back but if you’re a girl you can’t be casual about it, you can’t actively enjoy it or even embrace your sexuality with anything over the level of enthusiasm deemed “appropriate” by the unwritten rules of society without being labelled as easy.

I found myself struggling to come to terms with my own sensuality. In a battle of needs and desire vs. respectability and responsibility, I found myself torn between two halves of my own being, saint and sinner, and it’s something we all have, to varying degrees within ourselves.

We should realize that no one else matters but ourselves, so letting someone else’s opinion demean or demoralize you is a waste of your emotions and time. There’s nothing more important, than being proud of who YOU are. If you like it, do it. If you don’t, then don’t. Don’t let yourself be pressured into something just because you’re trying to fit in, rather stand out and be proud of that than be ashamed of something you can’t undo.

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Jack

Is there a point, where the pain becomes too much?

Is this when you reach for that first bottle of jack hoping he’ll be a good friend and you won’t remember anything.
Hoping he’ll numb you to the sensation of having your soul stripped off, lash by lash by each emotional whipping you receive.

Is this the point where you stop taking it like a cowering dog and do your own thing, numbing yourself inside and out to avoid the bitter disappointment, all with the help of good ol’Jack?

Does Jack help you forget the first time you kissed? The 14th of January

Does Jack help you forget the intensity that flared between you? The 3rd of March

Does Jack remind you of all the good times, the laughs, the stolen kisses on starry nights or does Jack bring back memories of being taken for granted and all the tears, sleepless nights and feelings of inadequacy.

Does Jack remind you that you’re not enough?

You’re not skinny enough

You’re not pretty enough

You’re not religious enough

You’re too loud and abrasive

You’re too friendly with guys

You don’t deserve it

You never did

All you deserved was the torment you received when you were younger, a continuous cycle of hell.

You deserved it then.

You asked for it then.

You deserve this now too

Does Jack finally, slowly, take everything away, until all you see is darkness or does jack slowly numb your senses to the point where you only come awake upon impact? Perhaps not even then, because perhaps Jack did his job right this time and you’ve gotten your wish.

Your life and others destroyed, because you had to numb yourself from the constant screams of agony at each lashing.

How do you save yourself from drowning in a bottle? Even though you know the answer won’t be there, do you still try to find it there?

How do you numb yourself?

How do you find yourself again?

How do you live a lie again?

Disillusioned

I find myself disillusioned and out of touch with reality. Torn between the two pieces of my being that makes me whole.Suffocating parts of myself deemed “socially unacceptable” by hypocritical beings who indulge behind closed doors. I find myself torn between the irrationality of my subconscious desires, the silent sinner at the forefront of it all and the rationality of my conscious reality, a loud mouth saint to hide the sinner. A façade to separate two halves of a whole being.

Where did I go wrong?

Life

It’s all about the choices we make, the chances we take .. And the people we don’t break

People fight so hard to gain freedom, freedom to make their own choices , to follow paths not set out for them but they do not know the consequences of choice. They do not realize that our paths have already been predetermined and perhaps not by some higher deity but by our actions,our words our very sense of being

What is the sense of self , one can ask?
Only you will know, another can reply.

As people, we know, no-one better than we know ourselves.
Best friends , partners, lovers, siblings, family members …
They are all an extension of ourselves

They know us but they can never truly KNOW us as we know ourselves.
We doubt ourselves , we question , we rationalize to such extents that we are left feeling raw and vulnerable. We are left with question upon question, seeking solace in someone other than ourselves, hoping they can identify the person within us. The real being inside.

What if?, one always asks when an opportunity arises
You will never know unless you take the chance, another can say

As people know, there are once in a lifetime opportunities that life tends to hand us on a silver platter. I suppose it’s an “I’m sorry” of sorts from life.
However some refuse to take the chance
Be it on life itself, love and other things.

Our pessimistic viewpoint tells us that it won’t work out, subduing the little optimistic voice inside us that whispers “What If?”, so quietly it might not have been heard, except for the faint quickening of your heartbeat that for a millisecond, the imagined the possibilities

The possibilities are as limitless as the universe, it’s all about the choices we make.

We cannot traverse through this crazy ride we call life without breaking people along the way. Failed relationships , complications, trysts, feuds with family or now ex friends. However there are the few that remain who we don’t break. Who are either similar in mannerisms to us, or who suck it up to be around us. There are the best friends, the family who never exactly had a choice, the crushes and those that just accept you for who you are.

What makes a person break, one can ask one self?
The same things that could break you, another could answer.

We are all wired so differently it’s amazing we are compatible with one another. The mind set of some lead me to believe that there may not be hope left for generations to come, that too many will be cynically hardened by life and will refuse to take that once in a lifetime chance , based on one experience when they have a lifetime to create better memories if it had to fail.

As people who have been broken, and have in turn broken others. We know what to expect so we either shut any form of emotion out of our lives or we keep trying ever so desperately to find the right person, both causing a destruction of self that we can never really recover from.

Why do we do this? Is it a form of protection? Why not take the chance and see what happens?

As people who have been broken, and have in turn broken others. We need to be aware of not only the destruction of self but the duality of self. The duality of self is one that cannot be denied or repressed. Life requires balance. A ying to its counterpart of yang, good to bad , right to wrong.

You end up repressing half of your being based on an unpleasant experience. You should be rational enough to know that by repressing yourself, you would be killing yourself. Not only killing yourself but closing yourself off to new experiences and memories which would be detrimental to your spirit.

Live life. Breathe. Make mistakes. Learn. Take a chance. Be happy.

___________

I’m well aware of my own duality and it’s not something I bother fighting because fighting what I am serves no purpose. All it does is slow me down. I’ve learnt to take care with my choices , take chances on people and things, how to break and how to handle being broken, without repressing the saint and sinner within.

I’m going to drown myself

I’m going to drown myself in the sweet melodies of my music and pretend today never happened.

I’m going to close my colour blind eyes and open them again to see the world in technicolour.

I’m going to lose myself in the rhythm,beat, drum and bass.

I’m going to scream along to lyrics to feel anything but the disappointment I currently feel.

I’m going to pretend for one night, that I actually matter and that I’m the only one on this over populated planet of ours.

I’m going to deafen myself listening to dance,trance, metal, rap and even R&B and hip hop.

I’m going to do any and everything to drown out the feelings inside until all I feel is the music pulsing through my system, my heart rate and breathing in sync.

I’m going to deafen myself to the sounds of everyday life until all I can hear is the music within my soul.

Music also defines who I am and what I’m feeling
Better than words ever could

 

Music defines where I’m going.

Music defines where I’ve been.

Music defines what I’m feeling.

Music defines what I’m seeing.

Music defines me.

I don’t need a plant to get high,

Music is my drug and it’s one I’ll never stop taking.

Religiously Screwed

Am I even date-able? ,
I sometimes wonder to myself. Like seriously my home life is messed up .. Super over protective Muslim indian dad who only wants a muslim/indian boy for his “moekies” (yes, that’s what he calls me) and a coloured mother ( German /Filipino mix) who prefers white/christian males :/ Seriously? When did MY choices become that of my parents. My mother is still a Christian so she never converted to Islam and my father is still a Muslim who didn’t force her to convert. So I’m royally screwed in terms of religion.

I was raised by my mothers family, mostly shunned by my fathers family ( hence my mums family raising me) so I do lean towards one side more than the other but regardless of that I can’t choose either religion despite what people say. According to some, you are what your mother is and according to others you are what your father is.

So WTF am I?? I can’t choose either without offending the other parent. So I decided that I’d adopt whatever religion my future husband or whatever has and I admit, I’ve experimented with some religions.. Some more pagan than others but still. I’ve taken an agnostic view of this thing but there was a conversation I had with a friend that bugged me.

Today, we were in one of the buildings on campus, chilling on the stairs and talking (He had previously joked that next time he saw me he’d ask me out – He forgot XD) so I asked why he bothered coming to campus since he hardly goes to lectures and he replied he came to Uni to get a degree.. Lectures weren’t a necessity, being me, I asked so not even for the girls? And he replied in kind that he tried that as a first year and it didn’t work out so great, so now he’d rather go to “temple” ( He’s hindu) to meet girls, as they aren’t as distracted or busy at temple.
I admit, I laughed.

Later on we had a talk about him having forgotten to ask me out and in turn I replied that he shouldn’t ask me out and then I said something which kinda stuck with me, ” Go meet a nice, normal, religious girl at temple. It’s the safest thing to do”

Have I become so bad that I’ve gotten to the point of being that girl overly religious parents warn their sons about? Not by doing any dirty deed mind you but by simply not having one set faith?

What is the definition of “normal”? And why did I even set myself down like that in the first place?
Is it seriously all because of religious differences or differences within myself? Like a great divide which separates my brain from rational thought almost like a defence mechanism to protect me from being shunned further because of religion.

I’ve always wondered how awkward it must be to have to explain to parents exactly how you are, especially in terms of religion and religious ignorance is not bliss.

Even more so when the guy (who could be fanfreakingtasticly amazing for all I know) has an overly religious family.

I grew up in a situation like that and quite frankly, it sucked. There is no eloquent way to describe it. It just sucked. Always on the outside never quite sure if I belonged or not. This religious divide can seriously fuck a kid up and it did fuck me up and I guess because of it religion in general will always be a touchy, raw nerve kind of subject with me.

Where does one draw a line (if ever) in terms of religion and dating? Do you only date within a specific religious group? (Some people do – but what if you miss “The One” because of it? Settling sucks) Do you try and force them to accept your beliefs? What should one do?

Sad thing is .. No one really knows the answers to these questions because everyone’s life is different and I can only hope that one day I’ll be able to answer these questions.

Moments In Life

Life is not a funny thing yet ironically enough; it has these moments that make us laugh, cry, remember and rage

These moments where we show the world we can be anything we want, from flirtatious to downright foolish (but lovably so). There are moments of regret we feel for rash actions. There are moments where we cannot help but look foolish, but to our loved ones, we remain the same .

These moments that make us cry, as our weaknesses and vulnerability are shown. There are the moments we feel strong because we realize even those bigger than us, stronger and faster and even “better” than us, have weaknesses too.

There are moments when we show fear even though we feel none. There are moments when we fear and almost nothing is given away.

There are moments of pure unadulterated joy as we come together yet again, be it with friends or family.

There are times spent with friends on a beach, alcohol in hand and nothing but exuberant laughter coming from our beings. No worries and No cares. Just as life should be for the younger generation.

There are the people we mourn, gone but never forgotten, although who am I to say never? From missing a loved one dearly … as time moves forward and life goes on, as each second turns into a minute which turns into an hour and then blends into the day and merges with the night, as days merge with the weeks and the passing weeks merge with the months and so forth and so on, which in turn then continues this ceaseless stream of continuity. We move on with our own lives. We almost forget, if not for a reminder, one as simple as a photograph or even a memory of a favourite flower.

There are the bonds we form with people. Whether it be platonically or romantically. They are the bonds that bind us together and tug on our hearts in ways we would never have imagined. They are the friendships people share.

The kinship between three sisters who each lead very different lives. They are the love we form with others as we accept them into our families.

There are moments where our lives stretch before us as we gaze upon the miles of ocean, in a country not quite our own. Where we realize that we are a family and no argument will take away the ties that bind us to one another.

Sometimes there are even moments shared with animals that we’ll always remember and treasure. Regardless of circumstance, just to bring a smile to our faces.

There are moments where we can’t describe how we feel, not to others and not even to ourselves. Moments when all we want to do is rage at the world, beating our fists bloody against the unyielding flesh of white walls tainted red and doors as splintered and fragmented as our inner turmoil ..

There are moments where jealousy is felt as well as a myriad of other emotions, phases and stages and there is nothing we can do about them, except go along with it and try and control ourselves as best we can.

There are so many various moments in our lives. There would be no way to note it all down and not enough words to describe them.