Heartbreak hotel

So I’ve tried and failed for more than a week to get over him but I can’t. I know I’m not in the wrong, that I had done nothing wrong but it hurt that he gave up on me without even telling me why.

I fell inlove with him. I was completely enamored and besotted with him. Smitten.

And I thought he might have felt the same , not that I told him but I thought he knew and with the ever blind faith and loyalty of a dog to its owner, I remain loyal to him.

I think what scares me most about this though,

Is the fact I wasn’t good enough for him.

It makes me question myself in ways I never have before, it created this self doubt that I’m not pretty enough, smart enough, sexual enough, athletic enough, that I’m maybe too much of some things and too little of others.

With him I had felt perfect and now I feel like I’ll never be good enough for anyone. Like to be accepted for me I must change who and what I am to be the “me” guys want.

I hardly eat anymore. I supplement my diet mostly with soda’s and water, which I suppose helps with the tears.

I just wish I knew why I was shut out and I know I’ll never be worth the answer.

Not to him at least.

“If “Happy Ever After” did exist,
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairy tales are full of shit
One more fucking love song, I’ll be sick.

Oh, you turned your back on tomorrow
‘Cause you forgot yesterday.
I gave you my love to borrow,
But you just gave it away.

You can’t expect me to be fine,
I don’t expect you to care
I know I’ve said it before,
But all of our bridges burned down

I’ve wasted my nights,
You turned out the lights
Now I’m paralyzed,
Still stuck in that time,
When we called it love,
But even the sun sets in paradise” – Payphone ; Maroon 5

Everytime I listen to this song I feel it, I see him. Places, conversations the most menial / mundane task or thing reminds me of him.

It’s like I’m being told to never forget. I don’t know what I did to deserve this , as they say “karma is a bitch” , I just hope that whatever I did, was something “worthwhile” because I just lost my heart.

I can only hope that I can move on but I do know I’ll never trust someone with my heart and spirit so easily ever again.

So I thank him for that lesson learnt.

“No more tears, my heart is dry
I don’t laugh and I don’t cry
I don’t think about you all the time
But when I do – I wonder why” – The Reckoning Song ; Asaf Avidan


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