Second semester blues
Well, second semester has started and I DID promise to keep you updated but well, it’s been hard.
So it’s the second week back and the workload is INSANE !!
*Mandarin assignment due on *Thursday (with a follow up type thing due Monday – i.e. next assignment)
*Spanish assignment due Friday ( 150 gorgeous words about going to the doctor x_x)
*French assignment due Friday ( 200 not so gorgeous words regarding a place etc you’d like to visit – basically a travel brochure type thing)
And as for Italian, I’m not entirely sure exactly what they’ve got going on just yet
I seriously need some help or extra tuition better yet, I need to be in direct contact with native speakers of each language. My best friend has also recreated my timetable about 3 or 4 times (and as much as I love her to bits ),she is as anal about study timetables as I am about my study books; if it’s not perfect do it again and again and again …
AND!! On this rainy morbidly depressing Tuesday I’ve realized how awkward I’ve made things for myself.
Especially in terms of one specific guy. The thing about an FWB situation (Friend with benefits) is that NO feelings should be involved. At first I was totally chilled with that, bad break up and if you throw in falling for a douchebag, it all kinda put me off of relationships… BUT! I think I was retarded (or human – whichever) enough to find some way of getting my feelings involved.
Bad thing about that? I tend to be one of those naturally possessive types (We all have those natural instincts to fight/protect that which we deem to be ours – and NO stalking your ex and making sure he/she can’t find someone else is not protecting nor is totally uncalled for jealous hissy fits) and I tend to also get a touch jealous (not enough to go bat shit crazy on the guy; especially if he isn’t the one who initiated the flirtation – and I like to think I can trust the guy I date) especially if I’m not actually IN a relationship with fore mentioned FWB. This is kinda when all these little insecurities I have pop up and I start acting like a total dork.
*I pretend I don’t see him
*I pretend I can’t hear him
*I get “Parry” over little things like a stilted hi-bye conversation
*I over-analyse when there’s nothing to analyse
* I run and hide like a retard attempting to put as much distance between him and myself as possible on a campus such as ours (It’s big but it doesn’t feel big enough especially at times like this)
I should NEVER EVER EVERR IM message people on applications such as Whats App when I’m sleepy. I tend to be brutally honest about any and everything (and I mean EVERYTHING – and trust me it gets awkward)
Worst of all? My wonderful cell phone ( A Blackberry ) has a great dislike for Whats App messages and deletes them .. so I have no record of said conversation (except for a few messages right at the end of said convo that I’ll read when I wake up). Best part? I’ll get the same messages at some random time at a later stage when I reboot my phone.
So far I think I have
*Admitted to liking a friend (he doesn’t believe me though, thankfully)
*Made come-ons to said friend
*There has probably some form of those R rated convo’s but in terms of describing what I have/haven’t done or what I would or would not do
*I might have admitted to some things I would never normally admit. (but let’s not go there)
Anyhow! Besides all of that nonsense in my life…
Something has felt “off” , it’s like an inescapable sense of loneliness that seems to shadow my every move, especially when I’m “alone” ( It’s hard to actually BE alone on campus, there is usually ALWAYS someone around even in the bathrooms) and yes perhaps I’m being a tad emo but hey! I’m cold and wet (well I was cold and wet when I first wrote this blog earlier – I had walked up to upper campus in the rain like a fool) and I think the FWB thing might have triggered it or even seeing other couples on campus.
Yes, I have my best friend who I love to bits and yes I have my wabsy who I love unconditionally and I know who loves me too (He said he’d stop loving me the day his heart stopped beating ) but I know it’ll never be more than that. I’d die for Nuky but I don’t want to have kids with her , same with wabsy. I love them in a way that cannot be defined but deep down I want a partner to love (and yes, I remember the resolution I made, but im looking not touching – although sometimes I wish I could touch… BADLY)
Why is the quest for love such a hard one? Is it because everyone uses those three little words as if it were condoms(Not that many use condoms – look at the size of our population on this teeny “but not so tiny” tiny planet of ours). Is it because they think they’ll have a “free pass” for sex? (Some only say the words to get laid – my advice? “If you want to get laid, crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait” <– best line I’d heard).
I know nothing good in life comes easy but god, give a girl a break would you??
It’s not easy to do this type of thing alone
But then again, who really knows? Life is unexpected like that.
Anyway, I’d better stop rambling and start paying attention in class..
It’s easy to get lost while learning mandarin.. WAAAAAY too many characters ( And yes, I only posted this now but I wrote it on paper during class because whipping out my little laptop to type furiously during class would not have gone down well – at least by writing it, it looked like I was taking notes).
More at a later stage, I need to stop procrastinating and actually do my assignments.