Not Now

Understanding finally came
I was finally becoming sane

After years of waiting in silence
After years of inner violence
After years of hidden tears
After years of so many fears

Understanding finally came
I was finally becoming sane

So close … So agonizingly close
I could almost touch it
I could feel its warmth around me,
A balm to my injured spirit..
I felt safe
I felt loved
I felt complete

Only..

Only to lose it all with a few words
Returning..
Once more to the silence
Returning..
Once more to the inner violence
Returning..
Once more to the hidden tears
Returning..
Once more to my hidden fears

That which was so close …
So agonizingly close
I could almost touch it;
Became a distance so great, not an echo could be heard
I could feel its warmth around me;
Became the cold comfort of an empty space, a space meant to be filled by kin
A balm to my injured spirit;
Vanished,
leaving nothing but broken pieces.

I had felt safe; now I feel persecuted
I felt loved; now I feel hated
I felt complete; now I feel like half the woman I once was

What choice do I have?
My heart or my home?
My home or my heart?
I cannot decide ..
Not now..

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