The “eX” files: Part 3 : The “WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING” Relationship

The “eX” Files

Yes, most of us know what it is like to have an ex and there are different parts to it I guess.
(Bearing in mind I’m no expert and this is just my own quirky opinion on it)

Part 3: The “WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING??”relationships

Part 1:

Hindsight can be a bitch and makes me wonder why we haven’t created a time machine just yet, just to fix those “never should have happened” relationships, ensuring they never happened.
Everyone has experienced those relationships, the ones where we look back and ask ourselves that one fundamental question after a bad relationship,


These are the various relationships that we were too stubborn to listen to our friends and family about. These are the relationships we went through with paper bags (with eye holes cut in them), over our heads, so we only saw our partner (retards tunnel vision). These are the “WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING??”Relationships.


There are the emotional baggage relationships:

Whereby one person is either plagued by parental issues (I admit, I have some issues here) or worse consumed by a depression so intense, lassie wouldn’t be able to find her way home in it (and bear in mind, lassie found her way home after being taken to some place hundreds of miles distant in Scotland – this dog could do anything). Usually in relationships like this you either sink (and become even more depressed) or swim ( which could mean you either make something of it – and yes, I know a few happy couples – or it could mean you cut yourself lose and move on with your life).
The problem that arises in these types of relationships is when one person finds his or her feelings have changed and tries to end it.

This is when you get the:
“I can’t live without you” stage:
Here the person in question attempts to blackmail you into staying by (stupidly enough) threatening to end his or her life, thereby making you at fault if he or she dies.
This is the worst scenario anyone can face; no one wants the death of another on his or her conscience (except maybe serial killers and mass murderers who sometimes take sadistic pleasure in what they do).
Many people then find themselves trapped in situations just like this one (I was there) eventually you just have to reach out to your respective soon to be ex’s friends and family (and psychologist) and have them help him or her with the loss of, well ,you. I’m not saying be a total bitch/dickwad about it. I’m just saying give them time to accept it, take things slow, give them time to wean themselves off of you the way mothers wean babies off of breast feeding ( and I’m not talking about those mothers who do it till their child is like 5 or 6 or whatever). One thing is certain though, you can’t be held liable for his/her actions nor can you blame yourself for his/her actions.
And YES! I know there are cases where the ex is to blame but daddy and even mommy should buy a shotgun and keep those types away from your precious little girls and boys. (HOWEVER! Do not take the law into your own hands, DO NOT KILL the S.OB, I repeat, DO NOT KILL the S.OB)


There are the “love me” not relationships:

This is the relationship most women (and admittedly some men) are petrified of. This is the relationship whereby one person cannot seem to formulate those three little words women LOVE to hear.

“I love you”

Yup, those three little words can make or break a relationship. To some, it smacks of commitment and some men (A little birdie told me) upon hearing a woman they aren’t related to say these three little words, run as if Cerberus (The three headed dog that guards the underworld) is chasing them because they feel that the minute they say those three little words, wedding bells go off in a woman’s head. YES! For some women wedding bells do go off (NOW these bitches either be crazy OR actually genuinely in love with him). To others it’s three words that could mean the difference between spending your life searching for the right person with the wrong people because you couldn’t say those words or finding that special someone and being brave enough to take a chance.

This is when you sometimes get the:
“Running Man” stage: Named the running man stage (as unfortunately men are more likely to run from this) this is the part where the male usually does a runner (sometimes women do it too – think of Julia Roberts in “runaway bride”). All I can say is rather now than at the altar (or wherever it is that you want to get married). Sometimes the person just needs time and sometimes he/she just needs that wake up call to make them acknowledge their feelings (and NO I do not mean you should kidnap them or stalk them – give them time).


There are the “Tom and Gerry” relationships:

As we all know (those of us who had a childhood and did not watch Jersey Shore or Bieber), Tom and Jerry were two of the most awesome characters EVER! They fought non-stop but still loved one another (Hence the name “Tom and Gerry” relationships – Gerry just seemed more feminine to use). These relationships can be extremely volatile as you never know what to expect from Tom or Gerry. Apparently though the sex can blow your mind (That’s a theory one should test out). The problem however arises when one person in the couple isn’t strong enough to be either character.

This is when you sometimes get the:
“Battered and bruised” stage: In a “Tom and Gerry” relationships violence and dominance set the stage for what can either lead to a fantastic relationship (You know what I mean *nudge nudge, wink wink* ) or can lead to something far more dangerous, especially if one partner becomes abusive ,this however is not something to joke about. GET OUT IMMEDIATILY!! It’s the safest thing to do, regardless of whether or not it’s physical, mental or emotional abuse, GET OUT!! You do not want to be another statistic on a chart or screw your children up further. There are help-lines all over, for this very issue.
Friends and family are a vital safety net you can rely on should things go wrong with your partner, DO NOT remain silent about it. And as I stated before daddy and even mommy should buy a shotgun and keep those types away from your precious little girls and boys (HOWEVER! Do not take the law into your own hands, DO NOT KILL the S.OB, I repeat, DO NOT KILL the S.OB – Report him/her to the police and file a restraining order)


The “Money –go round” relationship”:

Sad fact, this is the relationship type that usually ends up giving women a bad name. This is the relationship whereby men with money allow themselves to be duped by bombshell babes, manipulative whores or easy access to her “not so secret place”. This is the relationship that thrives when money is involved and tends to wane when the money is less and “nooky” time becomes a thing of the past and the poor sod is relegated to the couch at night because she has a “headache” (what she really means is her legs open for a price – bear in mind, this isn’t all relationships only the “Money –go round” relationship” is applicable here) or she’s sulking.

This is when you sometimes get the:
“Fair weather girlfriend” stage: As long as money comes in and you can spoil her she doesn’t care, when the money stops she becomes like a “fair weather friend” and vanishes when you need her most. This is the type of person that will date and dump you for bigger, brighter and definitely greener pastures. You on the other hand should be celebrating the minute she does (if you’re not bankrupt by then of course).


The Friend –Hater relationships:

This in my opinion is one of the worst kinds of relationship to be in. You’re stuck between choosing the people that have always been there for you or your latest partner ( the one you hope will be the one and either put a ring on you or like you enough to let you put a ring on it – A wedding ring on his/her finger for you dirty minded folk out there , yes I mean you nuky – ). This can honestly be tougher than trying to maintain your willpower when you see your favourite chocolate after dieting for two months (I personally can’t last a week). Eventually a rift will form between you and your “now so close to being ex friends” friend and that’s when you have to make your choice

This is when you sometimes get the:
“Shout or Pout” stage: Depending on your partners gender he or she may end up doing both of these things and you have no option left but to make your choice because remember he or she would have done any and almost everything to get you to drop your friends or vice versa BUT BEWARE!!! You DO get those cases where your so called friends are absolute assholes (male and female alike), so make sure you know EXACTLY what’s going on. In the instances where your friends aren’t absolute assholes pick your friends. They were there for you from the start don’t let a great friendship go to waste because he’s hot or she’s got a nice ass. However In the instances where your friends are absolute assholes (who are probably jealous) pick your partner and make new friends (How you may ask? Join a gym, book club or whatever and meet new people). Just always be aware of the fact that the choices you make will impact your life in one way or another.


Basically these “WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING??” relationships have taught us exactly what we needed to learn at any given moment. It’s one of those life lessons we could never mature without.

(There are honestly so many different types of “WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING??” relationships that I doubt I could note all of them down, however I will keep updating this piece.)


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