The “eX” Files
Yes, most of us know what it is like to have an ex and there are different parts to it I guess.
Part 1: The ex who left you (but will not leave you)
Generally speaking I am one of those people that can get along with almost anyone, even an ex that left me (Believe me, his timing sucked but then again, there is never a “right” time for this). As I was saying, I am not opposed to still remaining friends that is just how I am. Although I know many people would not do the friend thing and I guess it differs from situation to situation.
I DO have issues when the ex in question will not seem to let go. I mean for heaven’s sake. He left me but now I am to blame for everything that went wrong? It is now MY fault we broke up. Have any of you experienced this, this almost psychotic need by an ex to blame you for what had happened? I actually believe that I cannot be the only one to be caught up in a situation like this and all I can say is:
It is BULL
Complete and utter bull.
Generally in most friendships you have one person that is an amateur psychologist, you know the person you turn to for advice. The person who sometimes seems to know it all, regardless of the situation, in most of my friendships I AM that person. But just because I am that person does not mean I am an actual qualified psychologist, it just means I care enough to offer help (for FREE).
I had “put my life on hold” (to his knowledge – any relationships I attempted to start I kept away from Facebook or places he could see now I just do not care) after the break up for my ex.
He and I went to the same high school but I only actually started talking to him last year (well actually it was November/December 2010 going into 2011 – my final year of high school) we hit it off and well peoples personalities tend to show up in full swing usually after you start dating awhile. He was my first “proper” boyfriend and that was pretty awesome. Eventually little things bugged me but I ignored it, I mean it wasn’t a big deal and I understood that for him not being accepted or actually having my parents know he was my boyfriend bugged him but that’s how things were and I was upfront about that from the start. Eventually things progressed and 9 months down the line things came to a halt.
I’m one of those people that generally tend to worry like a maniac over everything, this time I was worried about my matric final results (In South Africa the senior class aka Matriculants/Matrics write their final exams but the exams are set by the provincial education departments, and you need to pass these exams in order to attend university etc). Obviously my stress put strain on the relationship and I needed a break because I just couldn’t handle it anymore. That was only the start of the problems eventually it resulted in our break-up. I would still converse with him after the break up, and no matter how hard he tried (and still is trying for that matter) he could not (can’t) make me hate him. He would switch between rational and irrational after the break up faster than Buzz Light-year could say “To infinity and beyond!” He would switch from being the guy I had first fallen for to something completely foreign filled with bitterness and loathing as well as a lot more self loathing. I endured all of his crap thinking mostly of his parents who I had become quite fond of. My ex has been known to have depressive episodes and I understood that because quite frankly I have had them too, so knowing this I was extremely careful about how I approached and said things to him after the break up. After that it was a continuous vicious cycle of insults hurled my way and I just took it. I let him try and break me down and I admit some of it got to me and eventually I snapped.
About 5 months after our break up I completely lost it. I was sick of being blamed for a choice he made (one that I now, am actually glad he made). I was sick of being his emotional scapegoat and taking every insult he hurled at me and just accepting everything he said even his apologies. I then started to actually argue back. I put a stop to all of the put downs he directed at himself and me and I reminded him exactly whose choice the break up was as well as severing most forms of communication. I still speak to him but nothing personal. Only pleasantries that extend to how his parents are doing and his grades. I had realised that I am not his psychologist and I was not being paid to take all of his emotional outbursts. Truth is, I do still like him just not in the way I used to.
If anything this experience has taught me that regardless of the other person’s mental state you cannot keep sugar coating the fact it is OVER. You cannot keep trying to keep the peace and most importantly, you CANNOT put your life on hold for his or her sake.
I realised that regardless of the situation, regardless of the insults thrown my way I was strong enough and mature enough to handle it.
Okay I am a tad wary of getting a new partner, just in case my ex decides that my new partner would be the perfect person to try his MMA skills on but that’s fine by me because it has given me the chance to try and find a prince and not a frog but I am done hiding any relationship I may try and form just because I am scared of his reaction.
The main advice I would like to give you the reader, especially if you are in a situation similar to mine is something I had stated earlier and will state again “You cannot keep trying to keep the peace and most importantly, you CANNOT put your life on hold for his or her sake.”
Not living your life for the sake of someone who will not let you go is the worst thing you can ever do.
To yourself and to them