No-one really knows what it’s like to be me.
I can’t break free.
I spend all my time either on my phone or watching tv.
I do not socialise.
I’m never let out to anything.
Every other teenager has a normal life, their parents eventually learn to let go but mine don’t and its slowly but surely suffocating me.
I’m drowning in my misery.
And more often than not I can pretend I’m fine, that one day it’ll get better but sometimes times like right now. All I want to do is curl up into a little ball and die.
I hate holidays/term breaks. Simply because I now have no excuse or reason to leave my house each day.
I’m not allowed to leave without my fathers permission and my mother has no say.
I’m sick of living my life in my dreams. Spending hours listening to music pretending I was with my “friends”.
“Friends” I know I have lost because of my entrapment.
My mother once told me I shouldn’t be so happy I had a new best friend because she’d disappear out of my life, like all the others. They’d left because they were allowed to grow up. They were allowed to experience life.
I lose my friends because I can never see them outside of university, I could never see them outside of school either. When my fathers debt forced us to move, forced me to change from an amazing high school where I made amazing friends to a place I loathed, I saw those friends maybe 4 times a year if I was lucky.
Always at my house.
My father would never be one of those “take her and fetch her dads” no matter how hard I wished. He will never let me grow up and do the things I need to do in order to actually live my life.
So with times like right now. All I really want to do is die.
All I want to do is escape this cage I’m living in, seeing freedom but never allowed to experience it.
Times like this I’d do anything to exchange lives with almost anyone on this planet.
Just to be free.
Just so I wouldn’t have constant reminders of what I don’t have.
No material possession in the world matters when one does not have the one thing one longs for the most.
And the worst part is;
I can never talk to them to tell them how I feel.
My father would just go crazy as per usual and then what happens?
I’m stuck living in a house where one person hates me and the other can’t do anything to fix it.
My life has gotten to the point where I have to lie to my parents to meet my best friend for coffee.
Where my dad knows I’m upset if I don’t want to eat.
I always think I find a source of happiness, and that it’ll last, but it never does. And I’m left holding the pieces trying to make everyone happy but myself.
I have to force a smile on my face when all I want to do is cry.
I have to laugh when all I want to do is scream.
I have to walk away, when all I want to do is rage against the utter injustice that is my life.
I was raised right. I know what to do and what not to do. I know things I should and shouldn’t say. I know how to take care of myself.
I know right from wrong.
Sometimes it makes me wonder if it was all for nothing, my upbringing I mean? Like why would anyone subject another to this life.
My life is not one I’d wish on anyone and yes, people out there do have it worse than me. I know that, but this is my personal hell and I can’t seem to find any form of redemption to save my soul from a sin I never committed.