Since last December, I’ve been shut off
Granted. I haven’t posted in a while prior to that. November/December of last year messed with me on a level I cant describe. I couldn’t get past it and even now sometimes I struggle.
I sit back and look at the friendships ruined and destroyed by one single act.
I was in a stasis, I didn’t write, I couldn’t connect with people – emotionally and physically. I was going through the motions of life just faking it.
Recently I met someone who changed that. He was the first to read the 7 notes I wrote during the great debacle (nov/dec last year). I opened up again and started writing, living breathing and feeling. I stopped going through the motions of life and started living and maybe even loving again.
Then he shut me out. I admit, I went crazy. It is hard to be given hope and then have it taken away. I wrote him a letter. In my usual weird style.
I liked you, I really really really liked you and no this isn’t some Carly Rae Jepson song, it was a simple fact.
For the first time since those 7 notes, I’ve opened up to someone beyond meaningless and inane chatter. It was an amazing experience being able to engage in conversation and banter with someone again. Especially once you stopped being stuck-up and I stopped being irked with said behaviour.
The amazing thing was the mutual attraction that sprung up. Here you were – decent with words (you don’t need me to pander to your ego) and there was this spark we both felt. Don’t deny it. I read your messages far too often.
Then it stopped. I became something that I personally hate: Needy, clingy.
Let me explain, since you should have seen the numerous calls, whats app’s etc.
I am emotionally driven but I also need reason. Lack of reason drives me nuts. The same kinda crazy that happens when you’re female and pms’ing or pregnant and someone calls you crazy. The hormones kick in and quite frankly, if you’re the poor sucker on the receiving end of those hormones, shame son – what would you like inscribed on your tombstone? You gave me no reason. You just shut me out.
It drove me nuts, I had no idea what to make of it. It’s like someone finally opened the door and there was light again and then just as abruptly it was shut. No light, no laughter, just a shell again.
I went through hell and back before for a boy that didn’t deserve it, ironically, he had the same name and surname as you. I wasted 2 years of my life on someone who didn’t deserve it and I can’t do that again. I cried a river back then and with your plans for desalinisation plant in place, I think I’d rather my tears be worthwhile and fuelled by happiness instead of despair.
The last whats app message to you was “Dick-sand. That is what it is”
That was me post “How to be single” movie night realizing that Fat Amy is right. I got so caught up in whatever was happening with you, I lost myself. I put myself in that same mentality that lead to my down fall in 2013/2014…
I found fault with myself instead of just accepting it and moving on – Having read your blog (all 96 posts) I wondered if it were that I was not fair enough, old enough, used too little make-up, was it the fact my eyes are brown or maybe it was the religious thing. Whereby I have none and you are a believer, maybe it was my body? You seemed to like my flat ass enough but who ever actually knows what’s going on inside a guys mind.
And now, while writing you this letter I discovered something that left me broken, but I can’t call you now can I? You won’t answer.
Thank you. For everything I guess.
I’ll pass out your cards if I see an opportunity for you.
Good luck with everything.
In that moment, I knew he was perhaps just here to help me write again,and I have, but nothing I’d ever share on this blog; it’s a tad NSFW. In terms of the cards thing,he gave me a few of his business cards and if i see an opportunity for him, I’ll hand them out. (I really am way too nice)
I mourn and ache for the loss of the person I once was but I also know I can’t blame myself for the actions and behaviour of other people. It’s not my responsibility. Not anymore.
Maybe in time I’ll share my 7 notes with the blogsphere.
Maybe you’ll feel what I felt and understand.
Maybe you won’t but at the end of the day it’s mine, it’s my battle wound, my scar and I’m proud of it. I’m stronger than I was before but also a lot more fragile.
I guess I’ll just have to wait it out and see.