A New Beginning

Since last December, I’ve been shut off

Granted. I haven’t posted in a while prior to that. November/December of last year messed with me on a level I cant describe. I couldn’t get past it and even now sometimes I struggle.

I sit back and look at the friendships ruined and destroyed by one single act.

I was in a stasis, I didn’t write, I couldn’t connect with people – emotionally and physically. I was going through the motions of life just faking it.

Recently I met someone who changed that. He was the first to read the 7 notes I wrote during the great debacle (nov/dec last year). I opened up again and started writing, living breathing and feeling. I stopped going through the motions of life and started living and maybe even loving again.

Then he shut me out. I admit, I went crazy. It is hard to be given hope and then have it taken away. I wrote him a letter. In my usual weird style.

“Dear [Name]

I liked you, I really really really liked you and no this isn’t some Carly Rae Jepson song, it was a simple fact.

For the first time since those 7 notes, I’ve opened up to someone beyond meaningless and inane chatter. It was an amazing experience being able to engage in conversation and banter with someone again. Especially once you stopped being stuck-up and I stopped being irked with said behaviour. 

The amazing thing was the mutual attraction that sprung up. Here you were – decent with words (you don’t need me to pander to your ego) and there was this spark we both felt. Don’t deny it. I read your messages far too often.

Then it stopped. I became something that I personally hate: Needy, clingy. 

Let me explain, since you should have seen the numerous calls, whats app’s etc.

I am emotionally driven but I also need reason. Lack of reason drives me nuts. The same kinda crazy that happens when you’re female and pms’ing or pregnant and someone calls you crazy. The hormones kick in and quite frankly, if you’re the poor sucker on the receiving end of those hormones, shame son – what would you like inscribed on your tombstone? You gave me no reason. You just shut me out.

It drove me nuts, I had no idea what to make of it. It’s like someone finally opened the door and there was light again and then just as abruptly it was shut. No light, no laughter, just a shell again.

I went through hell and back before for a boy that didn’t deserve it, ironically, he had the same name and surname as you. I wasted 2 years of my life on someone who didn’t deserve it and I can’t do that again. I cried a river back then and with your plans for desalinisation plant in place, I think I’d rather my tears be worthwhile and fuelled by happiness instead of despair.

The last whats app message to you was “Dick-sand. That is what it is”

That was me post “How to be single” movie night realizing that Fat Amy is right. I got so caught up in whatever was happening with you, I lost myself. I put myself in that same mentality that lead to my down fall in 2013/2014…

I found fault with myself instead of just accepting it and moving on – Having read your blog (all 96 posts) I wondered if it were that I was not fair enough, old enough, used too little make-up, was it the fact my eyes are brown or maybe it was the religious thing. Whereby I have none and you are a believer, maybe it was my body? You seemed to like my flat ass enough but who ever actually knows what’s going on inside a guys mind.

And now, while writing you this letter I discovered something that left me broken, but I can’t call you now can I? You won’t answer.

Thank you. For everything I guess.

I’ll pass out your cards if I see an opportunity for you.

Good luck with everything.

Mish”

 

In that moment, I knew he was perhaps just here to help me write again,and I have, but nothing I’d ever share on this blog; it’s a tad NSFW. In terms of the cards thing,he gave me a few of his business cards and if i see an opportunity for him, I’ll hand them out. (I really am way too nice)

I mourn and ache for the loss of the person I once was but I also know I can’t blame myself for the actions and behaviour of other people. It’s not my responsibility. Not anymore.

Maybe in time I’ll share my 7 notes with the blogsphere.

Maybe you’ll feel what I felt and understand.

Maybe you won’t but at the end of the day it’s mine, it’s my battle wound, my scar and I’m proud of it. I’m stronger than I was before but also a lot more fragile.

I guess I’ll just have to wait it out and see.

 

 

 

Messed Up Standards & Mixed Emotions

I’ve begun to notice a trend among guys although it’s been happening all along, to countless other women. I’ll be having a decent conversation and then it’ll be turned into something more flirtatious. Now, don’t get me wrong: I don’t mind that, but there are boundaries and the minute I start to “back away”, it becomes an issue.

I find I have to remind these boys that they, too, have sisters or female cousins; that they, too, might one day have daughters and I ask, “Is this how you would want a guy to treat your sister, cousin or daughter?”

I got various responses, ranging from how he can’t imagine having a sister – I told the one boy to imagine it – and how he’d never have daughters; to another boy telling me that his cousin wouldn’t be a smart-ass like me. What does that mean? How am I a smart-ass for making a valid point?

Why are the standards so skewed that if we dress or act a certain way, it automatically gives boys “rights” over how they can or cannot talk with us? Do we not deserve even a moderate amount of respect? Do some boys think that we have no dignity? They definitely try to make us feel that way, as though we are nothing… especially if we’re not putting out.

Even with the act of sex itself, it’s very hush-hush and taboo to speak about it, but it’s everywhere. My parents never gave me the birds and the bees talk; I learnt about it in school, I heard about it from friends, I saw it alluded to all over my TV or in films and books but none of those things really teach you how messed up the standards are. You’re abnormal if you don’t like it and easy if you talk about how much you like it so it’s taboo to talk about it, but you should do it with at least one person or else you’re a prude.

If you’re a guy you can talk about it and get hi-fives and congratulatory pats on the back but if you’re a girl you can’t be casual about it, you can’t actively enjoy it or even embrace your sexuality with anything over the level of enthusiasm deemed “appropriate” by the unwritten rules of society without being labelled as easy.

I found myself struggling to come to terms with my own sensuality. In a battle of needs and desire vs. respectability and responsibility, I found myself torn between two halves of my own being, saint and sinner, and it’s something we all have, to varying degrees within ourselves.

We should realize that no one else matters but ourselves, so letting someone else’s opinion demean or demoralize you is a waste of your emotions and time. There’s nothing more important, than being proud of who YOU are. If you like it, do it. If you don’t, then don’t. Don’t let yourself be pressured into something just because you’re trying to fit in, rather stand out and be proud of that than be ashamed of something you can’t undo.

Enough

Sometimes I feel like everyone, male or female goes through these stages in life where they feel like they aren’t enough. Heck, I’m there right now. The media at large doesn’t exactly help, especially when it comes to self image.

We see all these picture perfect women; absolutely gorgeous, “flawless” skin, the “right” size, the “right” look and in the meantime.. The majority of that image is photo-shopped to look perfect.

We see all these drop dead gorgeous men, built like Adonis; that supposedly are every girls dream man and to an extent it’s true.
We get force fed a public image that we then want; just so that once we get it, we can project it to the world. Like a “HEY LOOK AT ME, I MADE IT” kind of thing

I can’t date/befriend him because he’s not built enough, he’s not tall enough, he’s not smart enough, he’s not rich enough…
I can’t date/befriend her because she’s not thin enough, she’s not pretty enough, she’s not smart enough , she’s not rich enough…

Your friends and family will sometimes judge your choices like it’s going to be the death of you and yet they have no right to judge.*
Personally? I often feel like I’m not pretty enough, like I’m not smart enough, like I’m not skinny or athletic or whatever enough. I feel like less of a woman. Less of a person because of it, and I know I’m not the only one who feels like this.
Rationally I know, rationally we all know, that we are enough, we’re smart enough, witty, talented, pretty and whatever else enough.

However, these feelings of inadequacy that you deal with on a daily bases, they tend to tear you apart inside; making you doubt yourself and sometimes you literally just need to, as harsh as it may sound, step away from the self pity. You need to realize that to someone out there, you are enough. Heck you’re more than enough, you’re absolutely perfect.

The majority of the world will always find imperfections within others and acknowledge only what is wrong with you but the minority in your world will see those imperfections as part of you and focus instead on the perfection that is you, even though you are flawed.

I believe that the most beautiful things in this world, are all slightly flawed in some way or another, and that makes them absolutely perfect.

* I’m not condoning substance abuse of any sort – this strictly refers to dating or being friends with someone considered “not enough”

Jack

Is there a point, where the pain becomes too much?

Is this when you reach for that first bottle of jack hoping he’ll be a good friend and you won’t remember anything.
Hoping he’ll numb you to the sensation of having your soul stripped off, lash by lash by each emotional whipping you receive.

Is this the point where you stop taking it like a cowering dog and do your own thing, numbing yourself inside and out to avoid the bitter disappointment, all with the help of good ol’Jack?

Does Jack help you forget the first time you kissed? The 14th of January

Does Jack help you forget the intensity that flared between you? The 3rd of March

Does Jack remind you of all the good times, the laughs, the stolen kisses on starry nights or does Jack bring back memories of being taken for granted and all the tears, sleepless nights and feelings of inadequacy.

Does Jack remind you that you’re not enough?

You’re not skinny enough

You’re not pretty enough

You’re not religious enough

You’re too loud and abrasive

You’re too friendly with guys

You don’t deserve it

You never did

All you deserved was the torment you received when you were younger, a continuous cycle of hell.

You deserved it then.

You asked for it then.

You deserve this now too

Does Jack finally, slowly, take everything away, until all you see is darkness or does jack slowly numb your senses to the point where you only come awake upon impact? Perhaps not even then, because perhaps Jack did his job right this time and you’ve gotten your wish.

Your life and others destroyed, because you had to numb yourself from the constant screams of agony at each lashing.

How do you save yourself from drowning in a bottle? Even though you know the answer won’t be there, do you still try to find it there?

How do you numb yourself?

How do you find yourself again?

How do you live a lie again?

Lost

Thunderous echos within
Fading; A staccato rhythm to it’s beat.

A little girl; lost within the ashen chambers,
of a palace once rose red and filled with hope.

Lost

Forgiven but never forgotten,
her past transgressions torment her

Lost within the woman she is yet to become,
she curls up in a corner;
clutching a ratty blanket of memories to her form.

A mediocre form of protection.

Anything to keep warm,
Anything to keep safe,
from the bitter coldness that now torments her every waking moment,
from the demons that now plague her soul.

The bitter coldness, that causes the adolescent that she is still is;
to teeter..
on the edge of madness,
to spread her arms open in jubilation..
to welcome the darkness within

So cold.
So very cold.

Lost within the child she has now become,
the woman clings to her sanity
and her childlike innocence..

Her belief in the promise of tomorrow;
A beacon that lights her way, pulling her away from the edge.

Still,
She stumbles and falls; succumbing to the little broken girl inside of her.
Tears falling; bright red against the stark whiteness of her surroundings.

A rose red; the same colour that her now ashen palace of dreams, once was.

Hope

Okay so it’s been awhile and Merry Christmas for yesterday, I hope you had a fabulous one:)
Amidst all the presents and pigging out on food,
My main thought was that I was unknowingly given a gift more precious than almost anything else by a group of high school students –
On the other side of the world.

I don’t know them, and they don’t know me and well I teared up a little but shit like this gives me hope that one day everyone will be accepted, regardless of race, religion or sexual preference

These High school kids acted with more maturity than many university students I’ve met over the past two years.

I don’t care if you love another man or another woman, that’s your business. I don’t care what colour you are, your heart beats just as mine does.
I don’t care who you worship, your relationship with your god is no concern of mine.

Nobody lives forever, why live to try and make someone else miserable because of their race, religion or sexual preference.

Please give the article a read here

Seasonal Greetings All:)

Islam Awareness Week 2013

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Last week week, the 30th September – 4th October, was Islam awareness week on campus whereby students not of the Islamic faith could learn more about the Islamic faith from Muslim students on campus and various speakers throughout the week. Allowing students to experience various facets of the islamic faith including listening to passages of the Qur’an (The holy book), letting students write on a board their perceptions of Islam, answering other students questions with regards to faith , experiencing islamic art and cultural aspects such as a mass prayer which was open to anyone and using mehndi (henna) as a artistic reference to the artistic side of the religion.

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It was a wonderful idea by the MSA (Muslim students association) of UCT and being a little more than conflicted I wasn’t particularly certain of my own feelings towards the event.

I admit, i was highly skeptical and somewhat wary of the entire event at first. Similar to the reaction of a wild animal experiencing kindness for the first time. I didn’t trust it, I didn’t want to learn more but i found myself drawn to a topic which seemed strange and somewhat elusive to me. It fascinated me, this topic which was integral to my fathers life, taboo to my mothers and mocked and defamed by many media outlets because of preconceived ideals and common misconceptions fed to the masses by media and reporters who spend their lives rushing to meet deadlines with what is often considered to be sensationalistic hard hitting news. So instead of taking the time to do a little proper research and present the public with facts. The public is fed bite sized portions of propaganda which makes that pill much easier to swallow and believe.

I decided to take a step back from my preconceived ideals with regards to the religion to try and understand it from the viewpoint of a non-believer attempting to understand it ; without letting any of my own history and current interaction taint my perception.

Certain aspects of this awareness week I liked:
– The clothing collection for the underprivileged.
– The talks by various outsiders on the five pillars of Islam, the role of women in islam and the misconceptions of islam.
– The tours of the prayer room and the Jumu’ah prayer which was open to everyone.

Unfortunately, I was only able to attend the talk on the misconceptions of Islam and the Jumu’ah prayer but I believe that it was set out wonderfully allowing people of other customs and religions to experience facets of Islam in ways that show what the religion is truly about. I recall the man who had given us the talk with regards to the misconceptions of Islam telling us that the Arabic root of the word Islam is derived from “slm” which encompasses not only humility and unity but peace as well. Others may not agree with me but I find that, that is my interpretation and I find that it does indeed seem that way. The speaker also mentioned the difference between religious and cultural beliefs, regardless of what people believe the two are not always interlinked therefore the cultural customs practiced in Saudi are not practiced in Somalia for example, even though people of both countries practice the Islamic faith. The cultural belief is different. The Jumu’ah prayer was enlightening as well, speaking about the duties of the child to his or her parents.

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The main aspect I disliked about the event are the signs that some of the Muslim students held signs saying “Meet a Muslim” Or “meet another muslim” To me it seemed offensive and belittling to the believers, as if they were a strange anomaly with whom the rest of society is finally coming into contact with.

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The other was somewhat funnier .. But only somewhat

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However I believe that overall Islamic awareness week has actually created an awareness not only about the religion and the various misconceptions which surround it but about the people who practice it and the manner in which they came together to make this event a success. There were no pushy “you must convert” types it was just a beautiful experience.I found myself blessed with a desire to learn more, not because i am meant to (due to my fathers religious beliefs ) but because *I* wanted to. It had nothing to do with either of my parents but rather about what I wanted to learn.

One person remarked that my soul is searching for something more; an inner calm and peace which it has not yet found and I replied that I agreed but my soul strives to learn and I see nothing wrong with learning until I settle and discover what I truly want from life.

Ignorance is bliss is how the saying goes but I believe that to go through life ignorant, is similar to going through life blind and unprepared for the many facets of life that fate may toss my way. Doing that is a sure way to live my life unfulfilled.

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