Unfortunately that could not have been avoided, I am in the process of writing my year end examinations and would not have posted until after but this … This had to be told, so I could remember and perhaps never forget.
I did something stupid on on the 18th of this month, reckless , hormonal and feeling decidedly out of it.. I chatted up this guy, I stayed up all night talking to him and the next day he fetched me…
We well fooled around a little ( but nothing too hectic ) and in the space of less than a week, I managed to fall for the one guy that is without a doubt busier than I am.
He makes me feel alive again.
He makes me question who I am and what I want to be.
He makes me feel safe.
He makes me feel like it’s okay to be me, as crazy as I am.
He understands that there’s a lot more to me than what people first assume ,
and I need that understanding because it rarely happens.
Eventually ( considering I’d known him for less than a week ) I questioned various acquaintances asking that all important question my young mind seemed to bring to the forefront of it all, demanding attention.
“What is wrong with me?
It’s amazing how the first thing I had thought was that the was something physically and mentally wrong with me, and only one person replied without a hint of a lie. He told me I was too intense ..
In hindsight, I agree. I am intense. Within my being resides this inferno that is kept banked and simmers dully but at any chance for it to blaze and burn bright .. It does, it consumes me and that is my fatal flaw.
I am falling deeper and deeper into what could be heaven or hell for someone that I pray is not only an illusion, one that I so desperately crave. The burning intensity within turning a mere man into a god. For that is how I would treat the man who dare risk being burned to love me.
I know I risk being burned by my own fire, as I am burning now,
But what is a life without risk? A life without fire and flame?
A life without a cure for that flame.
It is not a life,
But the makings of a soul marked for damnation.
A damnation not in hell but on earth.
Who would seek a lonely existence but those which cannot dance the dance of fire and passion.